Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
tl;dr : I'm worried that my autism is at odds with my university degree course and my ability to finish it successfully.
I've been at university for three years now but I only got an autism spectrum condition diagnosis a few weeks ago. What I have learnt since then about autistic fatigue, burn-out, special interests and alexithymia seems to shed some light on my struggles to get on with my degree course for the past couple of years. I'm worried about what to do moving forward to combat these difficulties. I have disclosed my disability to the university and should be getting some support by the time I start my fourth year this autumn but given the extent of my burn out and my suspicion that my lack of interest in the subject Im studying is the root cause for my fatigue, I'm worried that this support won't be enough for me to successfully finish my degree.
When it comes to special interests I tend to become very interested with something for a few weeks, and use it to make sense of how I'm feeling. This is where alexithymia comes in - I like it when someone describes the feelings they experience under circumstances similar to my own, because this helps me see what my own feelings might be. Once I feel I have learned enough and get bored I move onto the next topic. I'm worried that the subject I chose to study at university was just one of these short term interests. It was interesting for a bit but only in as much as I could relate it to my inner life and use it to find out more about myself. But there isn't a lot of material that feels right and interesting to me and I've come to actually find most of my studies boring and annoying.
This, I fear, leads to autistic fatigue and I suspect it has led to an autistic burn out that has been affecting me for around two years now. Without that sense of interest I find it almost impossible to engage with what I'm studying. Because of my issues with processing I need to take in every word in order to understand, make sense of and retain information. I can apply this hyper focus for subjects that I am interested in. But it is difficult to motivate myself to focus like this on my university material - forcing myself to get through the work anyway is very time consuming and often leaves me physically, mentally, and emotionally drained.
Does this ring any bells for anyone else? Does anybody have any advice?
Thanks,
Phoebe
Hi Phoebe,
I could have written the title to your post, and I have experienced what you describe - on multiple different levels.
My first recommendation is to lean into whatever support is on offer via disability support at uni. Some forms it might take are - extra time in assessments, quiet rooms for exams, and support for applying for things like funding for additional tutoring in areas you feel you need most. Keep talking to them as they may be able to give advice specifically for you as an autistic student and in many other areas, too. Unis often have a welfare team in addition to this (or may be called by another, similar name) - they're another great place to reach out to, especially on a wellness level. All these people could be open just for a one-off chat, or could be able to offer more involved / longer term support, depending on what you want or need.
With burnout - it's great you've recognised this in the first place. It's important generally in life to take care of yourself and learn what helps you rest and recharge. I have had different levels of burnout and the worst was due to me ignoring the signs and spending no time learning how to support myself, let alone coming close to addressing my needs for basics like down time. I had no idea what burnout was back then and just kept going and going. I could have chosen to take a break and recharge, but instead the burnout created a life intervention that forced me to take a break and recharge. I can joke about this now that I was not a quick learner because there really were tonnes of warning signs that I saw but chose to ignore!!
Switching interests - I've felt this on some level in the past. I'm also concerned that I will feel it in what I'm doing now because it's a relatively new path. All I can share is that, so far, I've found ways to keep myself connected to my 'why' - the bigger picture behind what I'm doing, and ALSO the connection to each specific sub-topic I'm studying. I sometimes find that my sensory things and social issues can dampen my interests and I seek things that are away from that additional stress. So it can seem like I'm not interested in the original topics, but in actual fact, I realise I'm needing more quiet time to work and focus, plus more free time. I've also found myself not liking having to work at other people's speed, so I try to make sure I take mini breaks (anything from 10 mins to a day or two) to let myself explore other things, slow down, etc. This all depends on the work load of course, deadlines, etc. but 10 mins is almost always possible. It's a balance. The hardest part is letting myself be imperfect at some things while other areas get more attention.
Taking a year out from uni is another option - to do whatever you choose, but then return to your degree afterwards (or not, if you chose not to). Besides talking to uni's disability support and welfare teams (who will probably be better prepped for these convos) you can also explore all these things with your tutor or another staff member you feel comfortable with. They're all there to help. Some will be better at it than others, to be expected, but at least there are usually multiple options. A decision on an option like this one will take time to explore.
Keep believing in yourself - you've already come a long way. Regardless of what you choose to do next, you've come this far and that's amazing for anyone, autistic or not.
Thank you! This is really helpful. :)