Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I'm relatively new to the forum - I appreciate hearing other people's experiences here because it has been helping me overcome something: denial of my challenges.
I've been so deep in denial that I've closed off memories of my past when things were at their worst and I felt beyond my limit. But slowly these memories have started to come back, especially now I'm seeking ways to learn about my own autistic traits (beyond the generic descriptions) and find ways to support myself now and in the future.
I have been denying my struggles on the inside: the pain, the stress, the health issues (most likely linked with huge levels of stress over years). I've been masking for myself (not just others).
The problem today is that I'm doing WELL! (Ha, I know, that doesn't sound like a problem). But when I'm relaxed, doing well, reasonably healthy and so on... I can pass as non-autistic and fool myself. I forget my sensory sensitivities and my limited capacity to process things, for example, yet I think I try to forget these on purpose (on a sub conscious level).
Have any of you been through this process of recognising and accepting your challenges after so long of denying them to yourself?
I welcome any thoughts or experiences if you're comfortable sharing them.
[Post edited 02/06/21 to simplify it and make it clearer what I'm asking about.]
Mine is more about recognising my emotions and not shutting them off/ misunderstanding them. I was brought up and trained to always put others first, to the point of denying that I had needs or wants or interests of my own. In the last few years I've been focusing on myself and my life, rather than other people all the time. Asking, what do III want? what do III need?
I'm not sure that's what you asked though.
KikiCat, yes I know what you mean. I still find it difficult to know what I want and to separate that from others. What has made this extra tricky is that I met my partner because we have work passions that we both love. It has taken a couple of years to untangle what bits are mine. I often get really inspired when my partner talks about our shared work passions, and end up wanting to follow that path, even now.
With the shutting off emotions part - I understand this. This was a really difficult habit to break. Noticing that I was quashing my own emotions was the biggest and hardest step, though. I ended up working with a few trusted complementary therapists for a few years, using a format that worked best for me. They allowed me the space and time to explore each individual feeling, helped me ask myself questions and explore what was coming up. For me, it seemed like a skill I had to learn from scratch and I needed to practice that skill with support and develop it.
I might be on the other side of shutting emotions off, but I'm now onto my next task of allowing myself to know my emotions are valid, no matter what others say or do. I have a difficult time processing strong emotions on my own and if I must process them alone, they can grow and get much worse. I usually turn them inward and find some way to turn it into self hate. Yet, I'm not giving in. I can self-validate a few things, usually the smaller, easier emotions, so maybe there's a way for the bigger ones. Even if I'm the only one feeling that in a room full of people. This last part, being the outsider, is probably what's behind me struggling to follow through and validate myself, support myself.
I've done a similar sort of thing. I loved Costume history, studied it and went into theatre work. Obviously being undiagnosed, I struggled and didn't understand why, I went into retail work for a break and never went back to it. Since then, I've gotten more and more lost, focused more on trying to belong to a group of people that I actually had nothing in common with. I honestly don't know (and really don't care) what is happening on Eastenders). I stopped talking about costume because everyone around me seemed bored when I discussed it, I stopped trying to keep up with my sewing skills because I'm not interested in modern fashion at all.
In the last few years, I've discovered the Historybounding community who talk incessantly about period costume, there is an emphasis in using historic style to create modern outfits and it's putting me back in touch with the person I always wanted to be. Because of the community, I've also discovered that I can find the type of work I want to do and I'm currently working at bringing my skills and my health back up to where they need to be so I can do exactly that.
It's like no longer trying to meet everyone else's expectations and finally beginning to figure out who I am for the first time in my life.