Moving from a lifetime of self denial to acceptance - any tips?

TheGreenFrog said:

But now it all Just Makes Sense!

Yes, you nailed it!

TheGreenFrog said:

So no, we are not mad or bad but rather more unique then most people!

I love the above quote, too!

I have felt what you described, and it is liberating! I wish this could help me accept myself when I am struggling, but it seems to only work AFTER the struggles have subsided. And even then, I seem to have a lifetime habit of trying to hide it all, brush it under the carpet, act as if nothing happened. I'm ready to ditch these habits, though. They're not helping! Reading your words - and others' words here - are helping me accept myself, though. It's so good to realise I'm not alone.

Thank you, mael - yes, this sounds like me too! 

Thank you for sharing this story, Loz. it is such a beautiful, honest story of self reflection. I've recently experienced something similar and it wasn't easy.

I saw some problems that were unresolved, and initially, others also did and they complained. I was in a position of responsibility where I could push for change. It would have helped me a lot and I was sure it could still help others. But after a while the others no longer cared about the change and even failed to respond when I eventually asked about it again, quoting their previous complaints. I almost missed that I was the only one on my own crusade. It was hard to admit it and it felt illogical to let problems persist when the solutions were relatively simple. I still don't completely understand why the other stopped caring about this issue.

I can also relate to what you described about soldiering on and/or leaving your job for something similar. I've done both quite a number of times. Yet, one thing I'm glad about is that I'm not in the old work I used to do. It was too people focused, even though I loved the work itself. But the work itself exists in many formats, so I'm hoping to use those skills I loved in a new context soon.

Wishing you all the best with everything you are juggling right now.

Wishing you well on your path to wellness, Pikl. Thank you for the luck, too! 

Thank you, Plastic. I can relate to that - thinking others also have a pure work ethic and were the same as me. I wouldn't say you had been a 'fool' though, yet I understand why you might feel that way. I've felt similar when realising these things about myself. We were definitely doing our best at the time, acting on the knowledge we had back then. Very glad to discover these differences now. I refuse to repeat my patterns of the past that led to self sacrifice and burn out.

Hi. As someone who has just recognized that i am Autistic it can be hard to come to terms with it. But now it all Just Makes Sense!. Acceptance is easier when you realize that you can now see what has been going wrong in your life all this time. So no, we are not mad or bad but rather more unique then most people!

Hello  i'm  probably where you are .the one thing i have noticed is when the masking stops ,the stress and anxiety  is more directed . i can see the reason .Before it would be there but i didn't now why.  Also realised my whole life has revolved around my autism ,and have limited understanding of my emotions . It's a very bumpy ride . i'm not who i thought i was. 

The higher our expectations, the more wrath we shall build up.

Don't expect the Sun, the Moon and the Stars from people. They're self-seeking.

I've actually had a moment within the last month. I'm still awaiting assessment, still trying to figure it all out.

When I started at my current job, I had diagnosed depression and anxiety disorder. Now, I also add PTSD resulting from a couple of road accidents, and through the subsequent counselling, I found out I was likely on the spectrum.

With Covid and all the consequences that have affected my work (I've gone from busy reception to eight hours a day staring at the door and hoping for something to do). It's been difficult. I've not had any management support and in fact have had times where they've actually made the situation worse.

I went to a workplace counsellor who gave me some excellent advice and suggestions, he also put me in contact with a company who is now helping me to work out what support I actually need as I really don't know and haven't a clue how to ask for it. I've always done what the rest of my team were doing and until the last few years and the additional stress, I never needed anything different. Things came to a bit of a head a few weeks ago, and I had a meeting with a senior manager because of my 'behaviour'. 

We actually had a chat for a good few hours and are going to have more of a discussion later, but one of the things I had issues with, was how the addition of a new building that we needed to cover was affecting our team.

I was on a bit of a crusade because it seemed to be an issue for everyone. A few weeks ago, I realised, that the reason I was so against it, was not because it affected my team, but because it affected me. The anxiety of additional travel, clock watching and planning just to get to and from, having to keep up with a third building. To me it seemed like these things were a problem for everyone because it never occurred to me, that actually, while my team wasn't happy about it, they could all cope, but I couldn't. It's the first time that I've really had to accept, that I can't do this. Before, if I was at this stage, I would just soldier on and get to the point where I would leave my job and find something simpler. All that's done is get me further from what I want to do. It's only now that I'm beginning to understand that it's not that I can't function, it's just that I can't function the way everyone else does.

I grew up in the late 60s - there was no such thing as autism then - just the remedial class of assorted 'slow' kids.     I was one of those super-bright kids but I didn't know just how different I was from all the other kids.     I became very independent - there was nothing I could get from anyone that I couldn't get for myself faster - I ;loved the library - so many colourful books - and it was the space age - I remember being glued to the tv for the moon landings.

When I went to work, I thought everyone was doing the same as me - working for the common good and that hard work would be recognised.    I was very successful.

It was only after my diagnosis in my early 40s did I realise the truth and reality.

That took a lot of re-evaluation my whole life.      I had been a fool.

Mantra, you just explained exactly how I feel, except for doing well. This is something I need to do, I just haven't figured out how yet. Good luck with your journey of discovery. 

Thanks, Plastic. That certainly resonates - all the searching for where to fit in.

Do you feel you have always been aware of your autistic challenges? Or do you feel, like I mentioned above, that you have tried to deny them at first?

I wish I had learned to recognise and accept mine sooner. I still have so much I think I'm denying to myself, and this is not helping me.

Hiya

It's relatively common to keep trying new ways to fit in - constant chameleon mode - constantly re-branding yourself and trying again.      It often caused by self-denial and so never understanding where your natural colour scheme fits.

So many people with autism just follow the wrong path-  always trying, always banging your head against the all.

Where do you fit?    What is your niche?

I spotted the odd + quiet = target but odd + extrovert = interesting and mysterious so I deliberately created a huge extrovert personality that got me from young teenager to my 40s before it all blew up.    It got me good jobs, family - I appeared successful but at great cost.