Moving from a lifetime of self denial to acceptance - any tips?

TheGreenFrog said:

But now it all Just Makes Sense!

Yes, you nailed it!

TheGreenFrog said:

So no, we are not mad or bad but rather more unique then most people!

I love the above quote, too!

I have felt what you described, and it is liberating! I wish this could help me accept myself when I am struggling, but it seems to only work AFTER the struggles have subsided. And even then, I seem to have a lifetime habit of trying to hide it all, brush it under the carpet, act as if nothing happened. I'm ready to ditch these habits, though. They're not helping! Reading your words - and others' words here - are helping me accept myself, though. It's so good to realise I'm not alone.

Thank you, mael - yes, this sounds like me too! 

KikiCat, yes I know what you mean. I still find it difficult to know what I want and to separate that from others. What has made this extra tricky is that I met my partner because we have work passions that we both love. It has taken a couple of years to untangle what bits are mine. I often get really inspired when my partner talks about our shared work passions, and end up wanting to follow that path, even now.

With the shutting off emotions part - I understand this. This was a really difficult habit to break. Noticing that I was quashing my own emotions was the biggest and hardest step, though. I ended up working with a few trusted complementary therapists for a few years, using a format that worked best for me. They allowed me the space and time to explore each individual feeling, helped me ask myself questions and explore what was coming up. For me, it seemed like a skill I had to learn from scratch and I needed to practice that skill with support and develop it.

I might be on the other side of shutting emotions off, but I'm now onto my next task of allowing myself to know my emotions are valid, no matter what others say or do. I have a difficult time processing strong emotions on my own and if I must process them alone, they can grow and get much worse. I usually turn them inward and find some way to turn it into self hate. Yet, I'm not giving in. I can self-validate a few things, usually the smaller, easier emotions, so maybe there's a way for the bigger ones. Even if I'm the only one feeling that in a room full of people. This last part, being the outsider, is probably what's behind me struggling to follow through and validate myself, support myself.

Thank you for sharing this story, Loz. it is such a beautiful, honest story of self reflection. I've recently experienced something similar and it wasn't easy.

I saw some problems that were unresolved, and initially, others also did and they complained. I was in a position of responsibility where I could push for change. It would have helped me a lot and I was sure it could still help others. But after a while the others no longer cared about the change and even failed to respond when I eventually asked about it again, quoting their previous complaints. I almost missed that I was the only one on my own crusade. It was hard to admit it and it felt illogical to let problems persist when the solutions were relatively simple. I still don't completely understand why the other stopped caring about this issue.

I can also relate to what you described about soldiering on and/or leaving your job for something similar. I've done both quite a number of times. Yet, one thing I'm glad about is that I'm not in the old work I used to do. It was too people focused, even though I loved the work itself. But the work itself exists in many formats, so I'm hoping to use those skills I loved in a new context soon.

Wishing you all the best with everything you are juggling right now.

Wishing you well on your path to wellness, Pikl. Thank you for the luck, too! 

Thank you, Plastic. I can relate to that - thinking others also have a pure work ethic and were the same as me. I wouldn't say you had been a 'fool' though, yet I understand why you might feel that way. I've felt similar when realising these things about myself. We were definitely doing our best at the time, acting on the knowledge we had back then. Very glad to discover these differences now. I refuse to repeat my patterns of the past that led to self sacrifice and burn out.

Yes, I should clarify that my mother was a teacher for 30 years, she didn't have a fraction of this red tape. My husband is a teacher and I was a teacher and teaching assistant for 10 years. I saw how teachers bend over backwards for their students (not literally) and yet still get blamed by the government and parents. Grrr.

Yet when I say to people 'are you going to train as a teacher, you think it's an easy job, you could do well at it.' Out come the excuses...er...I don't like kids...I like my current job...etc. etc!

As chair of governors to 2 schools until recently I agree with you.  Most teachers love their vocation and are so frustrated by the red tape that they have to contend with on a daily basis.

We were so lucky that a) a Montessori nursery opened just before our daughter was born so she went there aged 2-4.

b) both her primary and secondary schools got new, dynamic headteachers a few years before she joined them, so she got the benefit of their visionary leadership. Before them, both schools had terrible reputations but now they are oversubscribed. Both schools have done wonders for her. It was her secondary school which recommended she get assessed for autism.

So I'm contradicting myself, but in general the education system leaves much to be desired in Britain. Generally because teachers are treated badly, disrespected, paid poorly, and even mocked by the government. I have only met a few bad teachers, 99% of them are dedicated professionals who break their necks to support their students. 

There have been endless reviews and changes to the education system since 2000 and schools don't know whether they are coming or going. I wish the government would get a competent minister for Education, decide on a system and stick with it to end the confusion.

That is my rant for the day, lol!

I have a son now, and I'd do anything to find an alternative for him. But I know that he will have to follow a similar path as there is no alternative. I can't afford to home school him.

Best chance we have is to choose a nursery & then schools with good reputations, and just help him as much as I can, but it's going to really difficult to watch. I was bullied, a bit in work as well, so it will being back a lot of memories I think

I agree, school is a terrible introduction to life and the world. It needs to be rethought completely.

Hi. As someone who has just recognized that i am Autistic it can be hard to come to terms with it. But now it all Just Makes Sense!. Acceptance is easier when you realize that you can now see what has been going wrong in your life all this time. So no, we are not mad or bad but rather more unique then most people!

I agree. I feel school pits children against each other, forming a natural hierarchy, the intelligent Vs the less so, the strong Vs the weaker, the popular Vs the insular, the wealth Vs the poor.

It starts society on a path of inequality and prejudice in my opinion

Hello  i'm  probably where you are .the one thing i have noticed is when the masking stops ,the stress and anxiety  is more directed . i can see the reason .Before it would be there but i didn't now why.  Also realised my whole life has revolved around my autism ,and have limited understanding of my emotions . It's a very bumpy ride . i'm not who i thought i was. 

The higher our expectations, the more wrath we shall build up.

Don't expect the Sun, the Moon and the Stars from people. They're self-seeking.

I've come to accept that life isn't meant to be 'Fair'. There are supposed to be winners and losers. As a kid, I tried to hang out with the winners; but felt more comfortable with the losers. School isn't the right environment for children; as far as I'm concerned.

"Since then, I've gotten more and more lost, focused more on trying to belong to a group of people that I actually had nothing in common with."

I know what you mean! I've enjoyed motorsport for many years but it's been a constant battle with aggressive men (and sometimes women) to be accepted as a fan. I have been thinking recently 'can I really be bothered? Do I really want to fit in with an aggressive, competitive fandom?' I'm thinking no. 

I've done a similar sort of thing. I loved Costume history, studied it and went into theatre work. Obviously being undiagnosed, I struggled and didn't understand why, I went into retail work for a break and never went back to it. Since then, I've gotten more and more lost, focused more on trying to belong to a group of people that I actually had nothing in common with. I honestly don't know (and really don't care) what is happening on Eastenders). I stopped talking about costume because everyone around me seemed bored when I discussed it, I stopped trying to keep up with my sewing skills because I'm not interested in modern fashion at all.

In the last few years, I've discovered the Historybounding community who talk incessantly about period costume, there is an emphasis in using historic style to create modern outfits and it's putting me back in touch with the person I always wanted to be. Because of the community, I've also discovered that I can find the type of work I want to do and I'm currently working at bringing my skills and my health back up to where they need to be so I can do exactly that.

It's like no longer trying to meet everyone else's expectations and finally beginning to figure out who I am for the first time in my life.

Mine is more about recognising my emotions and not shutting them off/ misunderstanding them. I was brought up and trained to always put others first, to the point of denying that I had needs or wants or interests of my own. In the last few years I've been focusing on myself and my life, rather than other people all the time. Asking, what do III want? what do III need?

I'm not sure that's what you asked though.

I've actually had a moment within the last month. I'm still awaiting assessment, still trying to figure it all out.

When I started at my current job, I had diagnosed depression and anxiety disorder. Now, I also add PTSD resulting from a couple of road accidents, and through the subsequent counselling, I found out I was likely on the spectrum.

With Covid and all the consequences that have affected my work (I've gone from busy reception to eight hours a day staring at the door and hoping for something to do). It's been difficult. I've not had any management support and in fact have had times where they've actually made the situation worse.

I went to a workplace counsellor who gave me some excellent advice and suggestions, he also put me in contact with a company who is now helping me to work out what support I actually need as I really don't know and haven't a clue how to ask for it. I've always done what the rest of my team were doing and until the last few years and the additional stress, I never needed anything different. Things came to a bit of a head a few weeks ago, and I had a meeting with a senior manager because of my 'behaviour'. 

We actually had a chat for a good few hours and are going to have more of a discussion later, but one of the things I had issues with, was how the addition of a new building that we needed to cover was affecting our team.

I was on a bit of a crusade because it seemed to be an issue for everyone. A few weeks ago, I realised, that the reason I was so against it, was not because it affected my team, but because it affected me. The anxiety of additional travel, clock watching and planning just to get to and from, having to keep up with a third building. To me it seemed like these things were a problem for everyone because it never occurred to me, that actually, while my team wasn't happy about it, they could all cope, but I couldn't. It's the first time that I've really had to accept, that I can't do this. Before, if I was at this stage, I would just soldier on and get to the point where I would leave my job and find something simpler. All that's done is get me further from what I want to do. It's only now that I'm beginning to understand that it's not that I can't function, it's just that I can't function the way everyone else does.