Processing conversations

Yes I think there's different layers. I'd say for me processing subject matter is easy, it's all the other bits which take extra thought. Maybe....I don't know!

I agree that writing is much easier as theres time to think and fewer or no variables in action. Also, talking to just one person can also be demanding because there's nowhere to hide. I'm lucky that all my friends are chatty but in a good way and their style of communication is easy for me to deal with. I think, from developing a mask and never knowing when a silence is awkward I always feel like I've got to fill it. I was thinking the other day, I'd love a friend who I can just sit and be quiet with although I have my partner for that which I'm thankful for.

From my diagnosis now, it's becoming clearer what goes on "behind the scenes" in my brain.

Yesterday we saw frirnds and their baby. It was really difficult because baby needed attention every ten seconds so there was never a finished conversation and lots of chopping and changing and "shifting" then I was working out if I should continue on said topic, are they listening etc it was really hard. After they left I just felt weird for the rest of the day. Like I couldn't concentrate and felt off. I haven't felt like this in a long time as haven't geen in any similar situation for so long and put the indescribable feelings  down to events of the afternoon. Then I started reading about socisl hangover.

yea there is one guy in my office and i can never understand what he says so he has to email me stuff instead ---- hes very nice about it.

Yes, me too.

I think the difference is information content v emotional content. Verbal v pragmatic language if you like.

I'm fine and dandy with one on one conversation with people I know well. They tell me what they feel. In groups, this is often not verbalized yet NT pick all that up anyway without any thought at all. They ARE thinking about the conversation, but about the subject matter.

We're also doing that, but in addition trying to think about peoples motive, attitude and response to the subject matter and we might not be getting it right.

I talked about this with my best friend when autism first raised it's head. 'But you dig deep emotionally' she said. Yes. But she feels or sees feeling and knows. I feel or hear (seeing it is super hard) others and then analyse before I know. And then, I'm processing subject matter on top of that. It's hard work and the thread or more subtle meaning is lost at speed or in groups.

It's the same for me. I think this is why I find it so much easier to communicate via writing, because it is a much simpler medium. No eye contact, no body language, no nuance, no tone of voice to interpret. I can be more direct and just say the facts without emotion and I feel like there is less of a burden on me to respond in an "appropriate" way.

I can easily watch a video of someone talking, because I am not participating in it. I can take in the information being said, because I don't have to run 1000 cognitive processes in my brain about how I'm supposed to respond. Whereas a video call is hell for me.

Conversations involving more than 1 person are extremely cognitively demanding. It's too difficult to know when it is my turn to speak and I generally say nothing. I find conversation very tiring, even if it's 1 on 1 with someone I know such as a family member. The feeling is like I have to be "switched on" all the time, paying attention to so many things.

If I had to tell a normal person what it feels like, I would tell them to imagine they had to take a maths exam. How do they feel after a 2 hour maths exam, that's how I feel after a 2 hour conversation. I sometimes need to go to a dark, quiet room by myself to recover.

It's difficult to tell people when I need to be left alone, because they can take it personally. But if I can't get a chance to get away from conversation then I eventually just shut down and become unresponsive.

Yes I can watch youtube videos about stuff other people wouldn't find interesting and it all goes in, but being in a room making chit chat is hard. 

I can see where you are coming from re emotions but what about when I'm making small talk with a colleague but about something I'm interested in? I don't feel nervous or any other particular emotion yet there's still this "processing speed" thing going on. 

Ethan said:

Sometimes I feel like I'm watching an orchestra completely in tune and I'm sat there with a triangle with no idea when to play my note. 

I love that!! Then sometimes one might just wade in with some big cymbals to be heard or a really out of tune instrument and everyone else is like WTF.

Yes it's definitely harder the more people. I used to think 4 including myself was a good number but even now I notice I get lost. The whole "what do you think" question is very vague and I struggle with that cos it's not specific enough. I also think I need time to weigh up my own opinion on something and digest what's been said. 

I did observe in a situation once, I can't remember the specifics,  that I found myself making a leap of faith in what someone was meaning.  This turned out to be the correct leap,  but it didn't come naturally and I wonder if non AS people are better at this.

I also remember once with a good friend when we were meeting new people, as I just sat there quietly observing, he and this other guy were sort of "steps ahead" in where the conversation was going while I was lagging behind. And like, they had missed logical steps out which they felt didn't need to be there cos both knew what was happening in the conversation.

And today with my friend who is easy to talk to, she kept changing the subject and I didn't know where I stood. 

I'd be happy for you to write more! It's something which interests me yet I find it difficult to talk about this with anyone without coming across as mard or overthinking.

Hiya

This is very common - it's all to do with the emotional content of the conversation.

If you are really into the information input, you'll find you can process at rocket speed - I watch nerdy youtubes at x2 speed.

If it's an unpredictable, heavy career meeting with your boss or at the hospital being told you have cancer, your brain locks up - the stress and emotions are taking control of processing all the 'what ifs' and your ability to process, remember and then think of questions and answers disappears.

The only way around this is to write all your potential questions down so you can go through them together or take a carer with you - someone who can listen and do the remembering and prompting for you.

You will usually have forgotten almost all the conversation by the time you leave the room.

In a quick answer (because it's late and I could write all night given half a chance) yes. There's a level of intuition across NT's that I don't think I have.

It's more noticeable now I'm on managers meetings where there's no set agenda for topics (bring them back!) and the exchanges are more free-flowing and things are a lot more fluid. There's been several occasions where I've seen  something come out of the blue which has kicked off an exchange of ideas which go into full flow across several people - people know when to jump in, jump out, pick up a thread, drop another one, offer support, arrange a meeting and move back and forth in between topics. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching an orchestra completely in tune and I'm sat there with a triangle with no idea when to play my note. 

The more folk there is - the harder I find it to keep track of where things are, and I've had many an occasion where I've been asked what I think after an energetic exchange, where lots of ideas have been batted around, and I've had to ask someone to bring me up to speed because I've lost the thread (or become overloaded and switched off). 

I agree and this is one of the things I'm just accepting of. Whereas I can make changes in my life to address other difficulties this is one thing which is just part of who I am. I'm just curious about it and what other people think. 

if someone speaks too fast i start to hear nothing. My ears have been tested many times and are fine.  Indeed above average.  it just the processing of speech is my issue.  I no longer worry about it what can I do ??????

I think this is the same for non autistic people too...shy people feel more at ease with others who are chatty but maybe for different reasons. I often wondered if it was shyness in myself...but I notice I have difficulties (the working out of what's going on) even when I'm with people I feel relatively comfortable with. 

Yes I agree that sometimes chatty people make me feel more at ease because they lead conversation and generally don’t have too many immediate expectations. I also find it difficult to process information with overly chatty or overstimulating people.

It's a double edged sword! Chatty people make me feel more at ease and possibly more social cues. However some people who can be overly chatty I find difficult because there's more to process and I often forget what I wanted to say. And i have to feign interest.

I find it really interesting because I know people who I definitely would not consider to be on the spectrum yet they monologue and cannot read when I have had enough (altho I think masking means I don't show this very well).

I agree it feels more intuitive with people i don't feel a need to mask with.

I definitely think that conversation is much more of a conscious process for me rather than instinctive - why I find written communication easier.  It feels more intuitive with people I don’t need to mask with or my family.  It’s also a reason why I feel the need to analyse social interaction frequently. I have noted that there are generally two main communication styles for neurotypical people: chatty comments that encourage conversation or a series of questions. 

Also I don’t know whether conversation feels like a conscious process due to masking. If I didn’t have to mask conversation would be very different.

Do you find very chatty people overstimulating or sometimes feel interrogated by constant questions? (Even if people are trying to get to know you.)