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Processing conversations

Deleted User

I was diagnosed with Aspergers earlier this year. The main thing which got me thinking about if I was on the spectrum was that I've always felt a bit "out of step" in conversations although from "coming out" to people no-one has ever really noticed apart from me. (Tania Marshall's comment on "missing a conversation gene" was what set it all off).  From some comments by my assessor to a few things in my report, to analysing situations in a new light, it's got me thinking about how I process conversations.

It feels like it's very much a cognitive process to interact with other people. I seem to notice this more when I'm tired in that I struggle more to have conversations because there isn't enough room in my brain. Even when it's a bit of chit chat and not big in-depth questions, I still feel I need to "think" about what's being said and what I'm saying. But it happens so quickly myself or others don't notice it. Can anyone relate to this? When I've brought this idea up with a non-AS person they have said that they too have to think about things in conversations but I think it feels different for me but I cannot explain quite why. I haven't been able to find much on the internet other than a comment on an unrelated youtube video. I feel this also relates to why I think so much about conversations after they have happened - maybe at the time there were things which I didn't process.

Does anyone else feel that for them conversation is more cognitive rather than intuitive? I'm not saying non-AS people communicate solely on an intuitive basis, but perhaps it's more intuitive than cognitive. Whereas for people on the spectrum it's the other way round. Let's discuss....

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  • Hiya

    This is very common - it's all to do with the emotional content of the conversation.

    If you are really into the information input, you'll find you can process at rocket speed - I watch nerdy youtubes at x2 speed.

    If it's an unpredictable, heavy career meeting with your boss or at the hospital being told you have cancer, your brain locks up - the stress and emotions are taking control of processing all the 'what ifs' and your ability to process, remember and then think of questions and answers disappears.

    The only way around this is to write all your potential questions down so you can go through them together or take a carer with you - someone who can listen and do the remembering and prompting for you.

    You will usually have forgotten almost all the conversation by the time you leave the room.

  • in reply to Plastic

    Yes I can watch youtube videos about stuff other people wouldn't find interesting and it all goes in, but being in a room making chit chat is hard. 

    I can see where you are coming from re emotions but what about when I'm making small talk with a colleague but about something I'm interested in? I don't feel nervous or any other particular emotion yet there's still this "processing speed" thing going on. 

  • in reply to Deleted User

    It's the same for me. I think this is why I find it so much easier to communicate via writing, because it is a much simpler medium. No eye contact, no body language, no nuance, no tone of voice to interpret. I can be more direct and just say the facts without emotion and I feel like there is less of a burden on me to respond in an "appropriate" way.

    I can easily watch a video of someone talking, because I am not participating in it. I can take in the information being said, because I don't have to run 1000 cognitive processes in my brain about how I'm supposed to respond. Whereas a video call is hell for me.

    Conversations involving more than 1 person are extremely cognitively demanding. It's too difficult to know when it is my turn to speak and I generally say nothing. I find conversation very tiring, even if it's 1 on 1 with someone I know such as a family member. The feeling is like I have to be "switched on" all the time, paying attention to so many things.

    If I had to tell a normal person what it feels like, I would tell them to imagine they had to take a maths exam. How do they feel after a 2 hour maths exam, that's how I feel after a 2 hour conversation. I sometimes need to go to a dark, quiet room by myself to recover.

    It's difficult to tell people when I need to be left alone, because they can take it personally. But if I can't get a chance to get away from conversation then I eventually just shut down and become unresponsive.

  • in reply to Untoward

    I agree that writing is much easier as theres time to think and fewer or no variables in action. Also, talking to just one person can also be demanding because there's nowhere to hide. I'm lucky that all my friends are chatty but in a good way and their style of communication is easy for me to deal with. I think, from developing a mask and never knowing when a silence is awkward I always feel like I've got to fill it. I was thinking the other day, I'd love a friend who I can just sit and be quiet with although I have my partner for that which I'm thankful for.

    From my diagnosis now, it's becoming clearer what goes on "behind the scenes" in my brain.

    Yesterday we saw frirnds and their baby. It was really difficult because baby needed attention every ten seconds so there was never a finished conversation and lots of chopping and changing and "shifting" then I was working out if I should continue on said topic, are they listening etc it was really hard. After they left I just felt weird for the rest of the day. Like I couldn't concentrate and felt off. I haven't felt like this in a long time as haven't geen in any similar situation for so long and put the indescribable feelings  down to events of the afternoon. Then I started reading about socisl hangover.

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  • in reply to Untoward

    I agree that writing is much easier as theres time to think and fewer or no variables in action. Also, talking to just one person can also be demanding because there's nowhere to hide. I'm lucky that all my friends are chatty but in a good way and their style of communication is easy for me to deal with. I think, from developing a mask and never knowing when a silence is awkward I always feel like I've got to fill it. I was thinking the other day, I'd love a friend who I can just sit and be quiet with although I have my partner for that which I'm thankful for.

    From my diagnosis now, it's becoming clearer what goes on "behind the scenes" in my brain.

    Yesterday we saw frirnds and their baby. It was really difficult because baby needed attention every ten seconds so there was never a finished conversation and lots of chopping and changing and "shifting" then I was working out if I should continue on said topic, are they listening etc it was really hard. After they left I just felt weird for the rest of the day. Like I couldn't concentrate and felt off. I haven't felt like this in a long time as haven't geen in any similar situation for so long and put the indescribable feelings  down to events of the afternoon. Then I started reading about socisl hangover.

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