Published on 12, July, 2020
I did a very stupid thing tonight. My wife was out for the first time in months after lockdown and I watched a documentary about a mother who had attempted to take both her own life and the life of her autistic daughter because she couldn't cope with her daughter's autism anymore. I shouldn't have watched it I won't go into it further at it's all very upsetting, but she said that jail was better than the jail of autism and all the commenters were supporting her and I was left feeling broken. I hyperventilated, I cried and couldn't stop, and then my wife came home and found me in such a state and we just sat on the sofa and she rocked me. I feel so awful that she had to deal with this when it's the first time she's been out with her friends since all these months of lockdown. She deserves so much better. I'd leave me if I were her. My eating disorder is not great at the moment and I am getting support with it but I just feel such a burden on my loved ones. I feel so awful that my two little sisters had to grow up with me and I worry if my own mum ever just completely despaired at me. I could never be her perfect girl and she's just the best mother in the world and she deserved so much more than me.
Sometimes this pain is just completely overwhelming. It's all-consuming guilt that I had to be autistic. Am I alone?
I know this was written a long time ago and I'm responding away too late BUT I actually get mad when I hear of parents berating their autistic children about how they wish there kids were normal etcetc ..it makes me mad because I love my son dearly and yes it's very tough he has autism and I have.no friends family etc a and am single mum and he us very difficult it's very tough but you know what he doesn't do it on purpose he didn't ask to be born with a disability...how dare a parent say how they wish there kids weren't ruining there lives how dare they....they should stop and think that they are the ones lucky enough to have a brain that functioning how it does in a world that they can function in and all the skills they've been blessed with and stop and think hiw there children feel knowing they'll never have this...God parents should stop feeling sorry for themselves they are not the ones with the disability..suck it up and realise how fortunate and blessed you are to have children in the first place..and I hate it when parent moaning saying oh my child does this or that it's so hard on me.etc etc....do you think that there child likes soiling themselves or shouting or anything else..no because they have a disability.