Published on 12, July, 2020
I did a very stupid thing tonight. My wife was out for the first time in months after lockdown and I watched a documentary about a mother who had attempted to take both her own life and the life of her autistic daughter because she couldn't cope with her daughter's autism anymore. I shouldn't have watched it I won't go into it further at it's all very upsetting, but she said that jail was better than the jail of autism and all the commenters were supporting her and I was left feeling broken. I hyperventilated, I cried and couldn't stop, and then my wife came home and found me in such a state and we just sat on the sofa and she rocked me. I feel so awful that she had to deal with this when it's the first time she's been out with her friends since all these months of lockdown. She deserves so much better. I'd leave me if I were her. My eating disorder is not great at the moment and I am getting support with it but I just feel such a burden on my loved ones. I feel so awful that my two little sisters had to grow up with me and I worry if my own mum ever just completely despaired at me. I could never be her perfect girl and she's just the best mother in the world and she deserved so much more than me.
Sometimes this pain is just completely overwhelming. It's all-consuming guilt that I had to be autistic. Am I alone?
I know this was written a long time ago and I'm responding away too late BUT I actually get mad when I hear of parents berating their autistic children about how they wish there kids were normal etcetc ..it makes me mad because I love my son dearly and yes it's very tough he has autism and I have.no friends family etc a and am single mum and he us very difficult it's very tough but you know what he doesn't do it on purpose he didn't ask to be born with a disability...how dare a parent say how they wish there kids weren't ruining there lives how dare they....they should stop and think that they are the ones lucky enough to have a brain that functioning how it does in a world that they can function in and all the skills they've been blessed with and stop and think hiw there children feel knowing they'll never have this...God parents should stop feeling sorry for themselves they are not the ones with the disability..suck it up and realise how fortunate and blessed you are to have children in the first place..and I hate it when parent moaning saying oh my child does this or that it's so hard on me.etc etc....do you think that there child likes soiling themselves or shouting or anything else..no because they have a disability.
I too feel a burden but it would be terrible to suicide. However the police don’t understand this and convicted me for trying to help suicidal thoughts........ don’t blame others?..
You're not alone, I've seen so many on the Autism Spectrum thinking they're broken and a burden to others.
Please always remember if people have a problem with something about Autism you're not the burden, their burden is their fear to learn to understand what they don't understand, their fear is their burden, not you or Autism.
The fact when your mother got home and held onto you shows the video you watched is not true. My dad has never given up on me when I need support, my dad's got a full-time job and a partner, I don't like asking him to use his free time on me because I want him to enjoy his life.
So even I myself sometimes feel like I'm a burden to my dad but I get that thought out of my head. I just know by intuition he loves me for who I am, including my Autism.
u didnt choose to be autistic.
u didnt choose to be born
u didnt choose to be the only child
so u are not at fault.
You have no need to feel guilty about your existence.
You’re not alone, a few years ago my mum told me that she had a risky birth that could have killed both of us and because of it being so risky she can and will never have another child, I felt so terrible that of all the kids she could’ve had, she had me and my autism, she was a single parent for most of my life and has fought so much for me to get the best help I can get, and too think she can never have a neurotypical child made me feel like such a burden. As of now I still get that feeling every now and again but I’m better, I hope someday you’ll get better and no longer feel guilty about something you can’t control about yourself.
I agree with aidie
no you are not alone
its good you expressed yourself in this forum as the reflection on your actions will be healing
BTW it is ok to make mistakes
---- your partner will be fine and you can tell her it wont happen again and ask her to go out again as this wee break is good for her.