Published on 12, July, 2020
I did a very stupid thing tonight. My wife was out for the first time in months after lockdown and I watched a documentary about a mother who had attempted to take both her own life and the life of her autistic daughter because she couldn't cope with her daughter's autism anymore. I shouldn't have watched it I won't go into it further at it's all very upsetting, but she said that jail was better than the jail of autism and all the commenters were supporting her and I was left feeling broken. I hyperventilated, I cried and couldn't stop, and then my wife came home and found me in such a state and we just sat on the sofa and she rocked me. I feel so awful that she had to deal with this when it's the first time she's been out with her friends since all these months of lockdown. She deserves so much better. I'd leave me if I were her. My eating disorder is not great at the moment and I am getting support with it but I just feel such a burden on my loved ones. I feel so awful that my two little sisters had to grow up with me and I worry if my own mum ever just completely despaired at me. I could never be her perfect girl and she's just the best mother in the world and she deserved so much more than me.
Sometimes this pain is just completely overwhelming. It's all-consuming guilt that I had to be autistic. Am I alone?
You’re not alone, a few years ago my mum told me that she had a risky birth that could have killed both of us and because of it being so risky she can and will never have another child, I felt so terrible that of all the kids she could’ve had, she had me and my autism, she was a single parent for most of my life and has fought so much for me to get the best help I can get, and too think she can never have a neurotypical child made me feel like such a burden. As of now I still get that feeling every now and again but I’m better, I hope someday you’ll get better and no longer feel guilty about something you can’t control about yourself.
u didnt choose to be autistic.
u didnt choose to be born
u didnt choose to be the only child
so u are not at fault.
You have no need to feel guilty about your existence.