Published on 12, July, 2020
I haven’t felt comfortable at home for a while, but hoped that getting a diagnosis would help. It hasn’t. I’m not listened to, not taken seriously, everything I say gets contradicted. I think I have a gift for reading people and it’s hard to watch your partners mother manipulate and control her, and now ur child, without being able to say anything. Every time I speak up I’m just shut down and its put down to my mental health issues.
Lets bring a bit of logic and reason to this hideously emotional and scary thing, Vesters. I'm hoping you are a man, otherwise discount my advice completely, and please do not be offended by my tone.
Your partner saw something in you enough to have a child with you. She may by now be suffering the fatigue that affects anyone who is living for a long time with an undiagnosed Autist. Unlike me you got your diagnosis before the big parting of the ways, I think I've been lucky enough to get mine before the second parting of the ways.
YOU can set the ground here, as the authority on Autism...
A few ideas I think could be useful to you to "weild".
1: Autism is not a mental condition (although there may well be co-conditions brought on by how we get treated, but you don't need to mention that) It is a DISABILTY in this society and a lot of situations, although in unusually challenging situations, we can of course shine, in a way that neurotypicals find sexy....
2: Used sparingly, (for "emergencies" really) "the don't rag on me for the things I cannot help" card can kill a really nasty brewing argument with one's partner quite quickly, using ones developing insights, to at least catch yourself doing the annoying stuff early, and apologise early, seems to pay bigger dividends.
3: If partners mum is using your new status to treat you like a half wit, as part of the manipulation you talk about, then just wait for one of the really egregrious times, that co-incides with when you have your full wits about you, and take her up on it, as kindly as you can mange making sure that gently but clearly, and in great detail, you explain point 1 above, and point to the many, many high performing autists that fill this forum & public life in geenral, and above all, as you feel things in yourself changing for the better, which as you get more confident in your start abilities and more knowing of your failure possibilities they surely will, make sure you partner knows about it.
4: (people with the new-fangled thinking, please look away) YOU are the MAN, that is YOUR WOMAN, YOUR CHILD, take ownership and care for them as a man should do, irrespective of whoever wants to interfere! UNLESS, you are certain that you have lost your woman's heart, in which case, I'm afraid, it's probably time to "bail out" with as much grace and access to your child as you can possibly get... If I had had my diagnosis 20 years ago, I would probably have been able to save and make good that particular relationship.
Whichever way it goes, (and with relationships there is always the random factor of the other person having their own mind) remember you loved each other a while back and IF you can fix whatever the real problem is, you could perhaps even get back to making a loving family. That's a glittering prize of you ask me, and all you have to do is think & act like a real cis-gender testosterone fueled, but well brought up, man!
(masculinity is very underrated these days. Historically it has solved many more problems than it has caused, and it gets a much worse rep from a vocal minority than it deserves). In P.C. company I like to segue off into my favourite the Feminist V the Large Spider (on in the case of my domestic feminist revolt even a tiny sub "baked bean" Spider is enough to require my services) misogynist rant, but in the back of mind is always the embarrassing but true realisation that if you need to say get rid of a class of American Nuclear weapon systems stationed where they should not be, like say, Greenham Common, testosterone doesn't cut it, you need a bunch of stroppy women living in trees.
Well, that's what passes for help from me, Apparently I'm doing unusually well at the duration and depths of my relationships for a 'sperg. OO ***, I almost forgot. Read Eric Berne's EXCELLENT guide to human and normie behaviour "Games People Play". Just because we are not wired up to do relationships well, doesn't mean we can't learn how, has been my experience.
BUT ALWAYS try your absolute best to be kind and do no harm, as you wrangle with your relationship. However it goes, that will get you the best outcome, I have found. Hope some of that is useful, I really do.
I'm no trained expert, but I seem to be winning more harmony by applying these principles, although it isn't always easy, because i'm a bit of a berk still, quite a lot of the time...
I can confirm I am a man and still identify as one!
Sorry if I miss your point. You be left a very comprehensive reply, building I'm not good for taking on let of information at once!
I support that is part of the problem. If things decend into arguments then can't compute the information and a response fast enough so just get frustrated and swear and lash out. Which doesn't help anyone.
I am so sorry. I do woffle on sometimes! You got to number four, which really was far enough..
I think about the advice to be kind in whatever you do, at the bottom, is also "golden" based on the conversation I just had with my 26 year old child.
At least the post was "pitched right" to be most helpful, there's a lot, and even a little, I believe will be very useful in your situation.