How do I tell my boyfriend how I feel without him taking it as I’m constantly ‘criticising him’ and ‘telling him what to do’?

I'll tell you with genuine honesty, that how he is treating you right now is how he's always going to treat you. He does not like or trust anyone who is an authority figure who tries to dominate him, because in his mind, he knows better than everyone else.  And because he does not like to be told what to do, he ends up doing whatever he wants to do without boundaries, and his parents could not teach him boundaries, and his teachers had less of a chance to teach him anything for that matter, because he refused to be told what to do (and he has not changed since then). He will keep hurting you and he will not care when you cry, because he just wants to be right all the time, which is why he always asks you to repeat the events, to try to gaslight you and to paint the picture that your memory is impaired, is wrong, and that you are lying, and other negative things like that. You cannot even express how he made you feel, because he does not care about your emotions. You'll likely feel more and more broken the more if you stay with this guy. 

I'll tell you this by experience, because I have a brother who behaves like your boyfriend does, that they likely have high narcissistic traits, and very low empathy (or no empathy at all). You on the other hand have lots of empathy, you're likely kind, caring, and compassionate, but to someone who has no empathy, you will seem over-sensitive, dramatic, over-emotional, and it's perceived in a negative light in general. You'll likely try everything you can to make the relationship work because you still have hope, while at the same time he'll be destroying you from the inside out, demeaning you, devaluing you, and hurting you. You might want to help him out, but you will end up sacrificing way more than what it's worth. He'll likely criticise every good thing you do for him, and he'll never never be happy with what you do. My suggestion is to leave him. I was afraid of every girl that my brother has dated, knowing how mean and ruthless he can be. You have to remember that in a relationship, if the other person does not care that they hurt you, emotionally, mentally, or physically, then it means that the person is not the right one for you. 

I guess there's a possibility that a 'sorry' in his past has not yielded any kindness.

Also, for some of us (us humans, particularly with difficult, unloving, invalidating pasts), we may not even know what sorry really means.

It took myself well over a decade of adult life to realise how to properly say sorry, because I'd been in a family environment whereby sorry was a placation and a defence mechanism rather than an act of learning and a bridge towards harmony.

You sound very open. I wish you well in reassuring him and I wish you well in hearing reassuring things from him.

calmerchameleon Thank you for your reply! 

I will try the positive reinforcement too and see if that makes a difference. 

I will always admit when I’m in the wrong and apologise however he is the opposite and I think that’s why it gets to me so much because he barely ever says sorry to me. Sometimes I feel like I’m apologising when I haven’t done anything wrong. 

Yeah you have helped a lot thank you. I’m going to take your comments on board and see if it helps our relationship! Thanks :) 

JuniperFromGallifrey Thank you for your quick reply! From what he’s told me about his childhood, his parents beat him on the bathroom floor frequently. He made a joke to me that him and his siblings would put on lots of pairs of pyjamas so they wouldn’t feel the pain as much. Him and his brother have a different dad to his two sisters. Apparently one of his sisters was a nightmare growing up and caused his family a lot of trouble. His childhood compared to mine sounds very troubled. He told me he was never well behaved in school and constantly getting expelled. 

Your examples of the conversations is exactly what I wish ours would be like and why it upsets me so much that they don’t go that way as that is what I’m used to from previous relationships! 

In regards to taking a step back, we don’t live together! I see him every Wednesday and then we spend Saturday evening until Monday morning together. He said I need to take a step back as in ‘not having a go at him’ or ‘telling him what to do’. He also says that I need to ‘use my brain’ and ‘think for myself’, for example if he doesn’t reply to my message all day. If I mention to him it would have been nice to hear from him he will say ‘you should use your brain and know I’m busy’. I just can’t win x 

Being in my 40s and through quite a few relationships, my first reaction is he sounds very immature. He may have been raised in an environment where his own feelings were hurt and then dismissed and treated with contempt. He may have been raised in an abusive situation where his parents demanded he relay back what happened untruthfully as they may have been incredibly unkind. 

In the best of possible scenarios here's how this works. After arranging some time to discuss a thing, both parties have a sit down. 

Mature Person 1: "When you said / did X it really hurt my feelings. Being that we're responsible toward and with each other, I'm hoping we can work this out."

Mature Person 2: "Oh wow. I never want to hurt you. I didn't mean to, how can I help fix this?" 

End of discussion. Now. Obviously things like this can be manipulated, but in the best of all situations, both parties will seek to understand each other not dominate. Not demean. Not disrespect or diminish... these are not elements of love but of competition and Possession and I am not anyones possession.

A loving partnership takes a commitment to be kind toward another who is in turn making the same commitment. Love requires being vulnerable and choosing to protect each other, even from my own selfishness. It takes a level of understanding what my role is and what my responsibilities are. 

If he's asked you to take a step back, I might respect that even if you don't feel respected. I might pack some things and take a step to a friends house for a week, or two and put a stop to all communication for a set disciplined period of time. And stick to it no matter what. It's emotionally traumatic at first, but I can assure you, once you get past the first few days and just cry it out, you'll begin to see things a little more clearly. I might suggest researching the different between healthy boundaries and abuse. x

Writing things down can sometimes help, if done nicely and fairly.

If one does write things down, it's usually good to make sure one is including plenty of positive reinforcement about the good things he is also doing.

If it's a balanced, caring piece of writing, it'll be easier to take in. It's quite helpful to read it back to yourself after at least an hour after first writing it to check it is indeed balanced.

Also, be self-aware and open about where you may be coming a touch short too. If you are open to making mistakes in yourself, that'll help him to be open about mistakes too.

I've had success with my own family and partners in doing this. An email or on a piece of paper works better than 'back and forth' messaging, as it gives the other person time to take in the full balance of what you're communicating; the balance of positivity and constructive learning.

It might seem a lot of up-front effort, but then having those disagreements and crying probably drain more hours from us (autism folks and non-autistic partners alike).

Does this help a touch?