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How do I tell my boyfriend how I feel without him taking it as I’m constantly ‘criticising him’ and ‘telling him what to do’?

NAS72897

Hiyaa,

I really need advice, my relationship is at breaking point and I want to do everything I can to make it work.

Me and my partner have only been together for a year and a half, however it feels like a life time with all of the disagreements we have had during that time.

I constantly feel like he doesn’t care about me, he resents me and he makes me feel worse when I need him the most.

For example, if we’re having an argument and I get upset. He will either get really angry and make comments like ‘why are you crying?’ ‘Turn it in’ ‘why are you being dramatic?’ ‘You’re just over sensitive and take everything to heart’ or he will just lay there in silence staring into space whilst I cry. 

After we’ve had an argument, he ALWAYS asks me to relay the story back to him? Why? I used to do this, but now I’ve stopped as if I repeat the story wrong or say a different word for example ‘you shouted very loud at me’ he will get really wound up and say no I never shouted ‘very loud’ I just shouted. Everything I say he takes literal. If I mess up the story I’m called a liar. So I’ve learnt from this, and now I say to him why do you need me to tell you what happened, we were both there in the argument, we both know what got said so I don’t need to relay it to you. But he still won’t drop asking me every time. 

I’m at the point now were I don’t know how to communicate with him. If something is bothering me and I say it to him, he takes this as I’m constantly on his case, im telling him how to act and ‘he’s his own person’ and im always criticising him. I’ve tried saying it in a jokey way but that only resulted in the same comments.

Can anyone give me any tips or advice please? I really love this man and don’t want to give up on our relationship. He told me yesterday that he’s his own person and I need to take a step back as he feels like I’m constantly questioning him and telling him how to act when I’m really not I’m just trying to express how he’s made me feel.

thank you for taking the time to read this x

Parents

  • Writing things down can sometimes help, if done nicely and fairly.

    If one does write things down, it's usually good to make sure one is including plenty of positive reinforcement about the good things he is also doing.

    If it's a balanced, caring piece of writing, it'll be easier to take in. It's quite helpful to read it back to yourself after at least an hour after first writing it to check it is indeed balanced.

    Also, be self-aware and open about where you may be coming a touch short too. If you are open to making mistakes in yourself, that'll help him to be open about mistakes too.

    I've had success with my own family and partners in doing this. An email or on a piece of paper works better than 'back and forth' messaging, as it gives the other person time to take in the full balance of what you're communicating; the balance of positivity and constructive learning.


    It might seem a lot of up-front effort, but then having those disagreements and crying probably drain more hours from us (autism folks and non-autistic partners alike).


    Does this help a touch?

  • in reply to calmerchameleon

    Thank you for your reply! 

    I will try the positive reinforcement too and see if that makes a difference. 

    I will always admit when I’m in the wrong and apologise however he is the opposite and I think that’s why it gets to me so much because he barely ever says sorry to me. Sometimes I feel like I’m apologising when I haven’t done anything wrong. 

    Yeah you have helped a lot thank you. I’m going to take your comments on board and see if it helps our relationship! Thanks :) 

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  • in reply to calmerchameleon

    Thank you for your reply! 

    I will try the positive reinforcement too and see if that makes a difference. 

    I will always admit when I’m in the wrong and apologise however he is the opposite and I think that’s why it gets to me so much because he barely ever says sorry to me. Sometimes I feel like I’m apologising when I haven’t done anything wrong. 

    Yeah you have helped a lot thank you. I’m going to take your comments on board and see if it helps our relationship! Thanks :) 

Children
  • in reply to NAS72897

    I guess there's a possibility that a 'sorry' in his past has not yielded any kindness.

    Also, for some of us (us humans, particularly with difficult, unloving, invalidating pasts), we may not even know what sorry really means.

    It took myself well over a decade of adult life to realise how to properly say sorry, because I'd been in a family environment whereby sorry was a placation and a defence mechanism rather than an act of learning and a bridge towards harmony.

    You sound very open. I wish you well in reassuring him and I wish you well in hearing reassuring things from him.