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How do I tell my boyfriend how I feel without him taking it as I’m constantly ‘criticising him’ and ‘telling him what to do’?

NAS72897

Hiyaa,

I really need advice, my relationship is at breaking point and I want to do everything I can to make it work.

Me and my partner have only been together for a year and a half, however it feels like a life time with all of the disagreements we have had during that time.

I constantly feel like he doesn’t care about me, he resents me and he makes me feel worse when I need him the most.

For example, if we’re having an argument and I get upset. He will either get really angry and make comments like ‘why are you crying?’ ‘Turn it in’ ‘why are you being dramatic?’ ‘You’re just over sensitive and take everything to heart’ or he will just lay there in silence staring into space whilst I cry. 

After we’ve had an argument, he ALWAYS asks me to relay the story back to him? Why? I used to do this, but now I’ve stopped as if I repeat the story wrong or say a different word for example ‘you shouted very loud at me’ he will get really wound up and say no I never shouted ‘very loud’ I just shouted. Everything I say he takes literal. If I mess up the story I’m called a liar. So I’ve learnt from this, and now I say to him why do you need me to tell you what happened, we were both there in the argument, we both know what got said so I don’t need to relay it to you. But he still won’t drop asking me every time. 

I’m at the point now were I don’t know how to communicate with him. If something is bothering me and I say it to him, he takes this as I’m constantly on his case, im telling him how to act and ‘he’s his own person’ and im always criticising him. I’ve tried saying it in a jokey way but that only resulted in the same comments.

Can anyone give me any tips or advice please? I really love this man and don’t want to give up on our relationship. He told me yesterday that he’s his own person and I need to take a step back as he feels like I’m constantly questioning him and telling him how to act when I’m really not I’m just trying to express how he’s made me feel.

thank you for taking the time to read this x

Parents

  • Being in my 40s and through quite a few relationships, my first reaction is he sounds very immature. He may have been raised in an environment where his own feelings were hurt and then dismissed and treated with contempt. He may have been raised in an abusive situation where his parents demanded he relay back what happened untruthfully as they may have been incredibly unkind. 

    In the best of possible scenarios here's how this works. After arranging some time to discuss a thing, both parties have a sit down. 

    Mature Person 1: "When you said / did X it really hurt my feelings. Being that we're responsible toward and with each other, I'm hoping we can work this out."

    Mature Person 2: "Oh wow. I never want to hurt you. I didn't mean to, how can I help fix this?" 

    End of discussion. Now. Obviously things like this can be manipulated, but in the best of all situations, both parties will seek to understand each other not dominate. Not demean. Not disrespect or diminish... these are not elements of love but of competition and Possession and I am not anyones possession.

    A loving partnership takes a commitment to be kind toward another who is in turn making the same commitment. Love requires being vulnerable and choosing to protect each other, even from my own selfishness. It takes a level of understanding what my role is and what my responsibilities are. 

    If he's asked you to take a step back, I might respect that even if you don't feel respected. I might pack some things and take a step to a friends house for a week, or two and put a stop to all communication for a set disciplined period of time. And stick to it no matter what. It's emotionally traumatic at first, but I can assure you, once you get past the first few days and just cry it out, you'll begin to see things a little more clearly. I might suggest researching the different between healthy boundaries and abuse. x

Reply

  • Being in my 40s and through quite a few relationships, my first reaction is he sounds very immature. He may have been raised in an environment where his own feelings were hurt and then dismissed and treated with contempt. He may have been raised in an abusive situation where his parents demanded he relay back what happened untruthfully as they may have been incredibly unkind. 

    In the best of possible scenarios here's how this works. After arranging some time to discuss a thing, both parties have a sit down. 

    Mature Person 1: "When you said / did X it really hurt my feelings. Being that we're responsible toward and with each other, I'm hoping we can work this out."

    Mature Person 2: "Oh wow. I never want to hurt you. I didn't mean to, how can I help fix this?" 

    End of discussion. Now. Obviously things like this can be manipulated, but in the best of all situations, both parties will seek to understand each other not dominate. Not demean. Not disrespect or diminish... these are not elements of love but of competition and Possession and I am not anyones possession.

    A loving partnership takes a commitment to be kind toward another who is in turn making the same commitment. Love requires being vulnerable and choosing to protect each other, even from my own selfishness. It takes a level of understanding what my role is and what my responsibilities are. 

    If he's asked you to take a step back, I might respect that even if you don't feel respected. I might pack some things and take a step to a friends house for a week, or two and put a stop to all communication for a set disciplined period of time. And stick to it no matter what. It's emotionally traumatic at first, but I can assure you, once you get past the first few days and just cry it out, you'll begin to see things a little more clearly. I might suggest researching the different between healthy boundaries and abuse. x

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