How do I tell my boyfriend how I feel without him taking it as I’m constantly ‘criticising him’ and ‘telling him what to do’?

Hiyaa,

I really need advice, my relationship is at breaking point and I want to do everything I can to make it work.

Me and my partner have only been together for a year and a half, however it feels like a life time with all of the disagreements we have had during that time.

I constantly feel like he doesn’t care about me, he resents me and he makes me feel worse when I need him the most.

For example, if we’re having an argument and I get upset. He will either get really angry and make comments like ‘why are you crying?’ ‘Turn it in’ ‘why are you being dramatic?’ ‘You’re just over sensitive and take everything to heart’ or he will just lay there in silence staring into space whilst I cry. 

After we’ve had an argument, he ALWAYS asks me to relay the story back to him? Why? I used to do this, but now I’ve stopped as if I repeat the story wrong or say a different word for example ‘you shouted very loud at me’ he will get really wound up and say no I never shouted ‘very loud’ I just shouted. Everything I say he takes literal. If I mess up the story I’m called a liar. So I’ve learnt from this, and now I say to him why do you need me to tell you what happened, we were both there in the argument, we both know what got said so I don’t need to relay it to you. But he still won’t drop asking me every time. 

I’m at the point now were I don’t know how to communicate with him. If something is bothering me and I say it to him, he takes this as I’m constantly on his case, im telling him how to act and ‘he’s his own person’ and im always criticising him. I’ve tried saying it in a jokey way but that only resulted in the same comments.

Can anyone give me any tips or advice please? I really love this man and don’t want to give up on our relationship. He told me yesterday that he’s his own person and I need to take a step back as he feels like I’m constantly questioning him and telling him how to act when I’m really not I’m just trying to express how he’s made me feel.

thank you for taking the time to read this x

Parents
  • Thank you for your quick reply! From what he’s told me about his childhood, his parents beat him on the bathroom floor frequently. He made a joke to me that him and his siblings would put on lots of pairs of pyjamas so they wouldn’t feel the pain as much. Him and his brother have a different dad to his two sisters. Apparently one of his sisters was a nightmare growing up and caused his family a lot of trouble. His childhood compared to mine sounds very troubled. He told me he was never well behaved in school and constantly getting expelled. 

    Your examples of the conversations is exactly what I wish ours would be like and why it upsets me so much that they don’t go that way as that is what I’m used to from previous relationships! 

    In regards to taking a step back, we don’t live together! I see him every Wednesday and then we spend Saturday evening until Monday morning together. He said I need to take a step back as in ‘not having a go at him’ or ‘telling him what to do’. He also says that I need to ‘use my brain’ and ‘think for myself’, for example if he doesn’t reply to my message all day. If I mention to him it would have been nice to hear from him he will say ‘you should use your brain and know I’m busy’. I just can’t win x 

Reply
  • Thank you for your quick reply! From what he’s told me about his childhood, his parents beat him on the bathroom floor frequently. He made a joke to me that him and his siblings would put on lots of pairs of pyjamas so they wouldn’t feel the pain as much. Him and his brother have a different dad to his two sisters. Apparently one of his sisters was a nightmare growing up and caused his family a lot of trouble. His childhood compared to mine sounds very troubled. He told me he was never well behaved in school and constantly getting expelled. 

    Your examples of the conversations is exactly what I wish ours would be like and why it upsets me so much that they don’t go that way as that is what I’m used to from previous relationships! 

    In regards to taking a step back, we don’t live together! I see him every Wednesday and then we spend Saturday evening until Monday morning together. He said I need to take a step back as in ‘not having a go at him’ or ‘telling him what to do’. He also says that I need to ‘use my brain’ and ‘think for myself’, for example if he doesn’t reply to my message all day. If I mention to him it would have been nice to hear from him he will say ‘you should use your brain and know I’m busy’. I just can’t win x 

Children
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