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How do I tell my boyfriend how I feel without him taking it as I’m constantly ‘criticising him’ and ‘telling him what to do’?

NAS72897

Hiyaa,

I really need advice, my relationship is at breaking point and I want to do everything I can to make it work.

Me and my partner have only been together for a year and a half, however it feels like a life time with all of the disagreements we have had during that time.

I constantly feel like he doesn’t care about me, he resents me and he makes me feel worse when I need him the most.

For example, if we’re having an argument and I get upset. He will either get really angry and make comments like ‘why are you crying?’ ‘Turn it in’ ‘why are you being dramatic?’ ‘You’re just over sensitive and take everything to heart’ or he will just lay there in silence staring into space whilst I cry. 

After we’ve had an argument, he ALWAYS asks me to relay the story back to him? Why? I used to do this, but now I’ve stopped as if I repeat the story wrong or say a different word for example ‘you shouted very loud at me’ he will get really wound up and say no I never shouted ‘very loud’ I just shouted. Everything I say he takes literal. If I mess up the story I’m called a liar. So I’ve learnt from this, and now I say to him why do you need me to tell you what happened, we were both there in the argument, we both know what got said so I don’t need to relay it to you. But he still won’t drop asking me every time. 

I’m at the point now were I don’t know how to communicate with him. If something is bothering me and I say it to him, he takes this as I’m constantly on his case, im telling him how to act and ‘he’s his own person’ and im always criticising him. I’ve tried saying it in a jokey way but that only resulted in the same comments.

Can anyone give me any tips or advice please? I really love this man and don’t want to give up on our relationship. He told me yesterday that he’s his own person and I need to take a step back as he feels like I’m constantly questioning him and telling him how to act when I’m really not I’m just trying to express how he’s made me feel.

thank you for taking the time to read this x

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  • I'll tell you with genuine honesty, that how he is treating you right now is how he's always going to treat you. He does not like or trust anyone who is an authority figure who tries to dominate him, because in his mind, he knows better than everyone else.  And because he does not like to be told what to do, he ends up doing whatever he wants to do without boundaries, and his parents could not teach him boundaries, and his teachers had less of a chance to teach him anything for that matter, because he refused to be told what to do (and he has not changed since then). He will keep hurting you and he will not care when you cry, because he just wants to be right all the time, which is why he always asks you to repeat the events, to try to gaslight you and to paint the picture that your memory is impaired, is wrong, and that you are lying, and other negative things like that. You cannot even express how he made you feel, because he does not care about your emotions. You'll likely feel more and more broken the more if you stay with this guy. 

    I'll tell you this by experience, because I have a brother who behaves like your boyfriend does, that they likely have high narcissistic traits, and very low empathy (or no empathy at all). You on the other hand have lots of empathy, you're likely kind, caring, and compassionate, but to someone who has no empathy, you will seem over-sensitive, dramatic, over-emotional, and it's perceived in a negative light in general. You'll likely try everything you can to make the relationship work because you still have hope, while at the same time he'll be destroying you from the inside out, demeaning you, devaluing you, and hurting you. You might want to help him out, but you will end up sacrificing way more than what it's worth. He'll likely criticise every good thing you do for him, and he'll never never be happy with what you do. My suggestion is to leave him. I was afraid of every girl that my brother has dated, knowing how mean and ruthless he can be. You have to remember that in a relationship, if the other person does not care that they hurt you, emotionally, mentally, or physically, then it means that the person is not the right one for you. 

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  • I'll tell you with genuine honesty, that how he is treating you right now is how he's always going to treat you. He does not like or trust anyone who is an authority figure who tries to dominate him, because in his mind, he knows better than everyone else.  And because he does not like to be told what to do, he ends up doing whatever he wants to do without boundaries, and his parents could not teach him boundaries, and his teachers had less of a chance to teach him anything for that matter, because he refused to be told what to do (and he has not changed since then). He will keep hurting you and he will not care when you cry, because he just wants to be right all the time, which is why he always asks you to repeat the events, to try to gaslight you and to paint the picture that your memory is impaired, is wrong, and that you are lying, and other negative things like that. You cannot even express how he made you feel, because he does not care about your emotions. You'll likely feel more and more broken the more if you stay with this guy. 

    I'll tell you this by experience, because I have a brother who behaves like your boyfriend does, that they likely have high narcissistic traits, and very low empathy (or no empathy at all). You on the other hand have lots of empathy, you're likely kind, caring, and compassionate, but to someone who has no empathy, you will seem over-sensitive, dramatic, over-emotional, and it's perceived in a negative light in general. You'll likely try everything you can to make the relationship work because you still have hope, while at the same time he'll be destroying you from the inside out, demeaning you, devaluing you, and hurting you. You might want to help him out, but you will end up sacrificing way more than what it's worth. He'll likely criticise every good thing you do for him, and he'll never never be happy with what you do. My suggestion is to leave him. I was afraid of every girl that my brother has dated, knowing how mean and ruthless he can be. You have to remember that in a relationship, if the other person does not care that they hurt you, emotionally, mentally, or physically, then it means that the person is not the right one for you. 

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