Do you Internalise or Mask or both ?

Mask - all day long. It's a system 1 response for me. I have never internalised, but I did experiment with EXternalising - that's right, exposing everyone around me to my unique thoughts and feelings - hey, if I have to put up with the poisonous residue of people still being able to smoke in the streets then they can damn well put up with the residue of my harmless autism - I recommend it, it's liberating

Would love too but even the thought of externalising as you put it makes me anxious and probably even scared I feel like a lot of people are not "ready" to hear what I have to say about what goes on in my head and what I have always held back from them. They all have this perfect idealisation of me in their heads and if I did what you do that idealisation would shatter no doubt.

What you describe is our one-sided concern about what NTs will think of us if we say what's in our heads. It is one of the strongest drivers for internalisation, but it affects NTs as well.

I discovered and resolved this when I started speaking publicly. Like everyone, I worried "will anyone be interested in what I have to say?", "Why would they listen to me?", "Am I good enough to be up there?", "Will I look stupid and make a fool of myself?", "Will I choke and forget what to say?", "What will they think of me after?" etc.

So I considered how I think of presenters when I'm watching them. I automatically ascribe them the position of expert. I follow their lead. If my opinions differ from theirs I re-evaluate my position first to see if maybe I'm wrong. I believe they are speaking out because they know what they're talking about. I start from a position of respect - they don't have to earn it. NTs do the same thing.

I realised that NTs really don't spend any time thinking about "how stupid others look", they're far too worried about how they look to notice you.

I took this further and looked at how leaders speak and act (business, political, religious etc). They make some massive blunders. Seemingly the more senior they are the bigger idiots they are, but they don't care, because they speak with authority and NTs believe they are in power because they know their stuff - even if they don't agree with what they're saying.

Once you realise that they are NOT judging you (they're too busy judging every nuance of their own emotionally charged lives to notice you), you begin to realise that just being yourself is ok.

Of course they are not all like that and they will not all agree with what you say, but you'll quickly realise the fear was a lot bigger than the reality.

Some will take offence, but that's THEIR issue, not yours. And whilst you still have to suffer the fall out of THEIR issues, it's really important to recognise that by staying quiet, bottling it all up, worrying about their responses, you are already suffering the fall out of their issues, all the time, not just when you speak out. And you're suffering it in a self imposed, 24 hour a day, mental prison while your quiet. 

It's scary I know, and we're not comfortable with conflict, but remember that your are suffering passive conflict all the time as a submissive, internalising autistic. If you externalise then you will potentially suffer more directly, but a lot less often and, as people get to know and love your quirks, almost never, and you will feel liberated and proud to be you.

Plus, and most importantly, the world will get to see another amazing autistic mind shine its brilliance on all around it. 

What you describe is our one-sided concern about what NTs will think of us if we say what's in our heads. It is one of the strongest drivers for internalisation, but it affects NTs as well.

I discovered and resolved this when I started speaking publicly. Like everyone, I worried "will anyone be interested in what I have to say?", "Why would they listen to me?", "Am I good enough to be up there?", "Will I look stupid and make a fool of myself?", "Will I choke and forget what to say?", "What will they think of me after?" etc.

So I considered how I think of presenters when I'm watching them. I automatically ascribe them the position of expert. I follow their lead. If my opinions differ from theirs I re-evaluate my position first to see if maybe I'm wrong. I believe they are speaking out because they know what they're talking about. I start from a position of respect - they don't have to earn it. NTs do the same thing.

I realised that NTs really don't spend any time thinking about "how stupid others look", they're far too worried about how they look to notice you.

I took this further and looked at how leaders speak and act (business, political, religious etc). They make some massive blunders. Seemingly the more senior they are the bigger idiots they are, but they don't care, because they speak with authority and NTs believe they are in power because they know their stuff - even if they don't agree with what they're saying.

Once you realise that they are NOT judging you (they're too busy judging every nuance of their own emotionally charged lives to notice you), you begin to realise that just being yourself is ok.

Of course they are not all like that and they will not all agree with what you say, but you'll quickly realise the fear was a lot bigger than the reality.

Some will take offence, but that's THEIR issue, not yours. And whilst you still have to suffer the fall out of THEIR issues, it's really important to recognise that by staying quiet, bottling it all up, worrying about their responses, you are already suffering the fall out of their issues, all the time, not just when you speak out. And you're suffering it in a self imposed, 24 hour a day, mental prison while your quiet. 

It's scary I know, and we're not comfortable with conflict, but remember that your are suffering passive conflict all the time as a submissive, internalising autistic. If you externalise then you will potentially suffer more directly, but a lot less often and, as people get to know and love your quirks, almost never, and you will feel liberated and proud to be you.

Plus, and most importantly, the world will get to see another amazing autistic mind shine its brilliance on all around it. 

That's really nice thank you I do want to try and be open about who I so I will definitely look back at your response when I ever feel worried and I'll take you advice on.

Thank you.