Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
If you have seen my previous posts you are probably aware that I'm currently trying to save my marriage.
Yesterday my hubby finally came to the house to discuss how he was feeling. I want to thank everyone who has responded to my previous posts on here, you are all such wonderful people to take the time to respond and help me understand my husband more.
Unfortunately our marriage is still far from healed, my hubby told me yesterday that he still loves me but it's not about love anymore and that it is about his mental health moving forward. On this basis he needs time to decide if he can be with me or not. Im devastated that at the moment our marriage could end at any moment but in the meantime they're is nothing more I can do.
After listening to what he has had to say, I feel sad at how he had been made to feel, although at the time he never showed or explained this. In asking for the emotional connection I so desperately needed, I have made him feel pressured and distressed and now feel extremely guilty.
In the first 3 years of the relationship things were fine, but when the first lockdown hit and we only had eachother, this is when I felt I started to lose him and thus is when he started feeling the pressure from me. I never pressured him through malace or intent to cause upset, I just love him so much, missed him and felt I was losing him.
After speaking to him last night I started doing some reading about the feelings from my side that have motivated my input to what I now realise has contributed to the downfall of our marriage and found cassandra syndrome. Upon reading more about it I realise that this is me over the last year, emotions amplified and heightened by the lockdown.
I feel I want to explain this to my hubby, to show him that with more unstanding of how and why this has happened and with us both receiving help, this could work. However I'm worried that pointing this out to him will cause even more distress and push him away further.
Any advice on this subject would be very much appreciated
Thank you in advance
Plastic
Hi Plastic,
You're probably right about his parents. His brother seems to be NT though.
Unfortunately, nothing seems more important to him than the games, nothing makes him want to put the phone down, not his other hobbies, not me or even his future child it would seem. He refuses to see that it is a problem and refused to ask for help with it.
I'm hoping that when he gets assessed and starts getting the support he needs that the therapist may pick up on it as an issue but I can't see it as he won't mention it to them as being a problem even though it has practically destroyed our marriage.
I have reflected and apologised to him for my nagging actions that I'm now starting to believe are motivated by the symptoms of cassandra syndrome. However, he doesn't seem to have looked at himself and at how his actions have contributed to me feeling that way.
I'm starting to think he will only come back if he is able to continue to ignore me.
Will be ever get bored of the games and start to miss me once I'm no longer there?
From all the things you've said, he sounds like a bit of a man-child and adult life is something he's been playing at - and it's all got too real. The fact his parents aren't kicking his bum and not supporting you says a lot.
As much as it pains me to say it, I don't think you can build a life with him - you really need to concentrate on yourself and your child and making yourself happy. I've no idea how much of a dad he'll be, but stability for your child is the most important thing now so I'd be planning to do things without him.
At the moment, it's all about him - he may be under ridiculous stress internally, but his behaviour is unacceptable - and his parents are enabling it (they may not know what to do either - do you talk to them?)
If he suddenly grows a pair and starts to man-up, then you set the rules of the interactions to limit the damage if he flakes out on you again.