Has anyone, AS or NT had experience with cassandra syndrome?

No idea what this Cassandra syndrome is. Is just your husband the one with ASD, or you both? Both my ex & I are ASD/ADHD. (I'm awaiting assessment, he'd never get dx, but it is obvious now I know what I'm looking for)  A lot of what you've put I can relate to. In hindsight, we should have split much sooner than we did.

Regardless of that, a brief look at your posts has huge alarm bells ringing about your husband & his ability to safely parent your child. He doesn't sound stable or grown-up enough to take care of a baby. I would be focussing on getting through the rest of the pregnancy safely on your own. When the baby is born I would only allow access in a supervised way. At his parents house perhaps, if you trust them to take care of an infant until he is able to prove himself as trustworthy. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate

Cassandra syndrome?

I had to look it up on the internet.

Now I have an extra bullet in my armoury when it comes to quiz shows.  Thank you.

Lulu said:

I think it's a very confusing time for him, he doesn't know if he wants the marriage or not and doesn't know if his issues are caused by autism or other events from his past or both.

That is indeed his problem atm and one not to be taken lightly. It is the ' not knowing ' what is wrong with himself or what has made him this way that will be driving him crazy and totally overwhelming him. 

As Plastic has pointed to, he may not have fully grown-up yet, taken or even had to consider responsibility as a grown adult with a family and what that means. I know men in their 50's 60's & 70's who will go to their graves, never having fully matured or examined themselves in any significant way. Men who have known trauma often ignore it, along with the unpleasant feelings/emotions that are stored in their bodies. Addictions usually follow.

It is only when things get tough in life or we start to suffer on repeat that we begin to think something is not quite right here. The suffering is not the enemy, only the messenger or alarm bell that change is needed. Confrontation of our problems can feel very unpleasant to begin with and some of us go on running with our fingers in our ears; distractions, obsessions, addictions and so on to escape. Of course, we are not living in the present moment when we engage in these activities so we often try to kill the messenger ( suffering/unpleasant feelings ) each time it is presented to us and the cycle continues. It is the unpleasant feelings we run away from.

He may or may not be ASD. In any case, he will still have to confront his problems one at a time, one step at a time. Lifetime conditioning or habits don't disappear overnight. Addictions cause suffering in the long-term and need to be overcome - ASD or not. With confrontation comes resistance that can manifest in anger, frustration, meltdowns, shutdowns, sorrow, anxiety, depression etc. It is important for you both to know and expect this.

A mentor who has experience of coming through the other end of such would be very helpful. I wish you the best of luck.

I would concentrate on the baby create your own little family ,try not to let him ruin your pregnancy /birth .

If he grows up and stops blaming the world for his problems ,sort that out then.

if you have some space you might realise how bad he is treating you,

Will do, thanks for the advice

Lulu said:

He has said he's not going to file for divorce but won't stop me if I decide to. Maybe he's wanting me to make it easy for him and just make the decision for him?

What a chicken POS.   That sounds very much like he can't be arsed with growing up and taking his responsibility.

I've always considered kids to be an extension of my hobbies - things to show them and play with them - my 22 year old daughter got a huge Technical Lego set for her birthday.

Leave it a week or so then ignore him and talk to the parents calmly and ask them what part they want to play in their only grandchild's life..

Hi Plastic,

The more I have spoken to his parents about the issues at home, the more it does feel like he is painting me to be poison. The evil witch that forced him in to having a baby (he was the one that pushed for the baby not me), that I want him to bin all his hobbies (I only asked him to cut down as I want him to have a relationship with his child), and that I wanted him to go to counselling (this one is very true but down to his anger poblems as I don't want baby witnessing such outbursts of rage and feeling scared the way I do). I'm not sure how he has managed to spin that one as a negative, but upon speaking to his dad, he seems very much on his side even at the same time as quoting "we know what he can be like".

I honestly don't know what is going through his mind as he won't speak to me, and if I try to tell him my thoughts or feeling he cuts off as if they don't need to be heard. I get that he's probably not able to cope with hearing them at the moment which is why I have backed off after speaking with you guys, to try and give him the time and space he needs. 

It's 18 weeks until baby is due, and every day is torture. He has said he's not going to file for divorce but won't stop me if I decide to. Maybe he's wanting me to make it easy for him and just make the decision for him?

I'm not going to lie but I know quite a few young ASD adults who blame all of their life problems on someone and cut them out of their lives - normally a parent who has been "so unfailr"  (Kevin) and they don't ever think of that person again.     They get locked in a very rigid mindset of self-righteousness - and they cut of not only the person, but anyone who could link them back to that person - friends, social media - they are usually very thorough.

Obviously, I don't know the full picture of what's going on between yourself and your husband because we can only see one side but I'd concentrate on yourself and your needs because right now, he's too fritzy to bank on.

You might want to gently ask his parents their intentions on being grandparents - what involvement would they like - can you rely on them for babysitting, family days out etc.   Paint a romantic picture in their heads to see if they are interested or if they consider you to be poison.    You'll be able to work out what the future is.

Hi Plastic,

For the moment I've been told by himself and his parents not to contact him. They have given no clue as to how long for but the things they have said in passing suggest this is likely to be after baby is born. And this is for him to make his decision of if he wants to be with me or not. Its possibly due to his assessment being due in the same month as baby being born. 

I have taken on board your suggestion, so if he does make contact and want to reconcile I will attempt to put this in motion.

I think it's a very confusing time for him, he doesn't know if he wants the marriage or not and doesn't know if his issues are caused by autism or other events from his past or both.

The problem with this is, I feel the longer he stays away, he will either just forget about me or the harder it will be to begin to live together again, is this the case? I have read that he won't be missing me if he is autistic, or if he is missing me it won't be long term, is this true? 

Are you able to create a written contract with him?    Agree a set of rules where he knows that angry outbursts are not acceptable - especially around a child - he's got so find another way of dealing with his impulses.     He's a grown man so acting like a child is unacceptable - be careful about making unreasonable rules but let him know where the limits are and the consequences - and the rewards.

Losan

Hi Losan,

I definitely want to make our marriage work, I'm all about learning to work together and I do love my husband more than I could ever begin to describe. He does have his positive moments too, although through the lockdown they have practically become none existent, but I do hope he can become the man i married, minus the anger, with help.

My fear is now that he will decide he needs to live his life alone, and the family unit we both dreamed of is over before its even begun.

I'm not sure it's too late. But you need to decide for yourself whether you can cope with getting back together as well. 

It sounds like at least some of your attempts to convince him to come back are creating additional stress for him. The way you communicate with each other needs to break out of that cycle.

Losan

Hi Losan, 

In the beginning the amount of gaming wasnt an issue, if has been made far worse throughout lockdown. 

Workgroup knowing it could be autism I've felt abandoned and alone throughout a miscarriage and a pregnancy, and have taken it as him not caring rather than him trying to cope.

Now i know it could be autism, it's too late for me to tackle this from a more understanding perspective as he has already left me and in attempting to convince him to come back in just pushing him further away.

I wouldn't rule out autism - there are plenty of traits. 

On the gaming - I think you'll need to consider how much of a problem it is. 

- Special interests are pretty common and can be obsessive

- I've known a lot of people for who gaming was a 'healthy' addiction relative to alternatives e.g. gaming isn't as destructive as drugs, drink, gambling. I'm not saying it's good either - but if there is going to be an addiction...it's not one of the worst.

- If gaming is his 'safe space' or his 'retreat' then directly trying to get him to stop gaming isn't going to help. Other stressors need to be reduced so he feels less of a need to retreat away to a safe space.

Hi Plastic,

It's more than just being blunt, he shouts and swears, throws things, punches things, smashes things and worse. 

This sort of rage can be over the simplest of things, Eg losing a sock and thinking I've moved it. 

The meltdown he had the night he left me was different. The expression on his face was that of a lost child, he was hunched and cowering as if to be scared and then locked himself in the bathroom and was shouting but not about anything towards me in particular although he wouldn't let me go near him. I've never seen him behave like that before.

I'd suggest your father in law is aspie and is panicking and verbalising what's worrying him inside - maybe he would really like a grandchild.

Preferring to speak to adults is normal - kids are chaos - adults are predictable.

No friends - photos probably show acquaintances - maybe not friends as you would measure them - trying to be part of a group - as a mask.

Anger - are you sure it's not just very, very blunt frustration?    People measure things according to their experiences - I've heard people recounting events that I've witnessed - I interpreted extremely blunt frustration and others think it was WW3 

Plastic

Hi Plastic,

Thank you again for your continued time and support in helping me understand my situation, your words are more valued than you will ever know. 

It's hard to tell if his parents are interested in their grandchild, they don't ask about me, about the pregnancy or about baby's movements. His dad keeps repeating "I know grandparents don't get any rights" if ever my parents or I manage to track him down to try and speak about recent events. I don't know why he keeps saying this as I have never even suggested that they would not get to see their grandchild, it makes me wonder if it's a form of manipulation, but to me that would suggest more narc than aspie. Correct me if I'm wrong, I am still learning. 

The life you mapped out does not match the life I know my husband to have had. 

I know he had an interest in model figurines when he was little and preferred to speak to the adults at nursery than the children.

I know he had "girlfriends" from being very you g who he would hold hands with or kiss on the cheek.

His parents have stated be had no friends growing up since reading about autism, but he has previously told me he did, I have seen photos of him with friends an know he was in a rock band for a number of years of his life.

His parents have also stated that most of the traits he has mainly started in adolescence. And that up until then he was a very huggy child. After that he became a very angry person, began using stimulant drugs and became a bit of a delinquent. 

He went through a traumatic time in his early 20s at which point his issues with drugs and anger got worse. He was cast out by his family and went to live alone.

He has had a number of short term girlfriends/flings, all who have removed themselves after the meltdown type outbursts started. But from what he has told me had no problems going in to bars and approaching women to pull them.

Other than the short term relationships he has pretty much lived alone, with a housemate or pets for almost a decade, following the same evening routine after work, basically living his life between his home and a few shops nearby. 

I know he met a number of girlfriends on online dating, including myself. It was a couple of months in when I witnessed his anger for the first time, this was over the phone and was caused by the signal being bad and me having to ask him to repeat what he said a number of times. 

I'm starting to wonder after reading your latest post if this is in fact autism or something else. His dad seems very much the same as he is so there could be learned behaviours maybe if his mum is aspire and his dad a narc? 

It's all very confusing. 

I can spot aspies a mile away - male and female - there's a 'look', the demeanour - we stand out like sore thumbs.      I guess bullies and abusers can spot us too.

My sister and my mother in law are classic narcissists - I'm used to their tricks and behaviours - thoroughly unpleasant people.

With kids with ASD parents - it depends on which one the child spends the most time with - if dad is aspie but works all the time, an NT child has a fair chance of growing up ok from the NT mother.     If the caring parent is ASD, then the child will be slightly messed up but able to learn from peers and family.

If the child is ASD and so is the parent, then the child will probably be very socially stunted, emotionally starved and lacking in all the normal experiences of childhood.

ASD kid + both ASD parents - good luck - the outcome will be totally unpredictable..

I know lots of aspies and I've seen every permutation and combination many times.

I have an NT twin and an ASD mother so I'm very, very different from most aspies - I had a working model to copy 24/7 and because we were treated as a composite person, my quirks were covered by my brother's normality.   

I'm very much more aware of what I am and how I function and why I do the things I do.

Something i have noticed is that alot of asd people end up with sociopaths or narcissists ,[i suppose this is just common sense as these people tend to go for venerable people],

I have found it is common that asd people brought up in these circumstances really struggle as one parent is asd copying/masking or normalising ,and one parent manipulating and using/blaming.  

I think something that people  struggle with is thinking it's asd or normal .

You touch on it when you say "abusive girlfriend", but what happens when you are brought up by one ,it has become normalized , so the cycle continues .

The worst i have met are the malignant narcissist, I now one who has marryed two people with asd and you can see how she still controls both to keep here world view intact, 

Right, makes sense.