He's refusing to make a decision

JuniperFromGallifreyPlastic@Michael 

Hi all, 

You are absolutely right, I need to leave him be and focus on myself and baby. It's probably going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life because I love him so dearly, but I think I need to start to accept he will never come home and our marriage is over.

Are his parent interested in being grandparents?? How odd.

This feels like an emotional nightmare. As a mentor to younger women I would say you need to Leave Him Be. Delete him from your phone, put ALL past emails in to a folder so they're not present and check out for a moment. This takes a good deal of possibly crying him out of your system right now. Assume he's not returning. He may, but you cannot live in a state of: Indefinite Postponement.

After you get past this hard part, create a fantasy/vision of the most enjoyable life you can think of. Repaint the walls if you want. buy a nice cooking pan. Throw out an ugly blanket. Nuances of change in our environment can help accept unbearable changing realities. As someone with social issues, I learned a great deal by studying Ethics. By learning about Boundaries. These rules of relationships were what I found to be the only thing stable and reliable in an ever-changing world.

Regardless of him being or not being attached while gone, YOU have needs and are worth being kind/considerate toward. The more you put your life on hold for someone who is not investing their FAIR share into the partnership, the more you will eventually resent him and that doesn't help.

We cannot control the other and this is a hard reality. Love requires diligence and respect from both parties. It requires us to allow the other person their imperfections. But it also can require a consequence of creating appropriate boundaries. If I allow another to be selfish and careless toward me, again that love will turn to resentment. 

I would start planning my life on my terms with my friends. I would make my routine and start finding help raising my child and if the father wants to fit himself in to a life I've created, he can but on my terms. Basic needs need to be met: food, shelter, finances, trust. Many things can be negotiable, but respect is not one of them. 

Right now you need to make yourself cookies. And binge watch something and research how to be the best mum in the world. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I've had to go through something similar but decided to grow into a better human and I cannot tell you how grateful I am for it. It took me a week to get past the shock, and then I started to find I really enjoyed doing what ever I want how ever I want when ever I wanted. If a friend or a sibling can move in with you for the time, please make this happen. It would do a world a good. You shouldn't go through this alone. 

JuniperFromGallifreyPlasticDaveAsperg

Hi all,

He is still sending money for bills etc but has offered nothing towards preparing for babys arrival.

He came to see me last night, told me he still loves me but doesn't know if he can be with me or any relationship or if he will be living his life alone. He has told me to focus on myself and baby while he is  off taking time out to sort out his mental health and deciding if he wants to be with me or not. 

I appreciate that he has finally come to speak to me instead of ignoring me completely, leaving me begging his disinterested parents for answers. But the fact I have to just wait around to see what my future holds is making me ill. 

Do autistic partners miss their spouse? The longer he is away, is it more likely he will just become detached from me and never come home? I want to give him space but at the same time fear that if I do this he will forget about me. 

Blue said:

more you pester the more difficult it gets to recover and the longer it takes

Curious how you rephrase this from? We all get inundated from work or other responsibilities. SHE might be 'pestering' but it doesn't help her understand and also, she is not responsible for his maturity or emotional well being. He is. And yes there's a dynamic - both parties need to find ways to support each other. 

Lulu - one of the best phrases I'd learned to ask myself is, does this help or hinder? Does this heal or hurt. And then act on that. 

You've mentioned "This is what caused the problems we've had, his reluctance to see the  amount of time spent on games as an issue and the mood the games put him in if he either was a on them all day or couldn't go on them."

I disagree that's the root of the problem. Rather it sounds like that's compounded the emotional weight. It clearly seems like he needs - perhaps an autistic therapist, who can help him learn "Life Management" tools and tricks. If the root of the problem is his feeling a lack of purpose in life, then no amount of trying to extract romance (conversations, connexion) will fix this. Simultaneously, feeling like I'll never be enough for the other also creates a downward spiral. I've had loads of male friends who indulge in this saviour-complex thinking. Our culture puts a load of unnecessary weight on young men who opt for suicide over this, which is horrible. Because no, no one WILL actually be enough, so do my feelings dictate my actions? I can allow myself that melancholic self-indigence for the next few hours and then do something useful. 

Choosing to be the right person for the other without devaluing myself is key. Here again, if you both commit to growth - learning to compromise on what you need (only a few things are absolutes like trust), learning to give space and to help rather than push the other away, you'll weather any storm. 

First of all, if I were his parents, I would call you immediately to make sure you're OK, and parent him - he can recoup and take space but he doesn't get to stonewall you. He may not have the capacity or the language yet to communicate if his emotions are overwhelming, but he can certainly say goodnight and make sure you're safe and have all the help you need. Men do not get to knock up a woman and abandon her. That said, it sounds like he's not been well parented, but I don't know the situation. 

You need tangible, practical help right now, not further emotional drama. Pregnancy is a hard enough task to go though, modifying brain chemistry and requiring a little more financially to stay healthy. We are all responsible - autistic or not - for how we affect our significant others, for knowing where our limits are and for communication how ever we can with our partners.

That said, is he still being financially responsible toward you? Is he making sure you have practical help? If so, these are efforts that communicate he's not irresponsible, he cares, he's just well beyond his emotional limit. But you both need to grow - you'll both need to find your emotional limits and boundaries, compromise on how to get your needs met, and how to effectively work together to be a source of safety and security for your children. Taking time apart can be incredibly beneficial, so long as there is a contractual agreement of the length, some small effort to keep trust (one text per day at the same time) and that it is to be a better human FOR the other.  You have nine months to do some soul searching and character building and it sounds like you both need to take it.

That said, if you can, don't text him, text your friends, make sure your practical needs are being met, as sometimes we all need to be responsible for our own emotional well-being. So find small luxuries: Read books (Caitlin Moran has a few which are magnificent), watch whatever you want, meditate, do yoga, find your inner peace, higher self, indulge in things you enjoy and find a mentor. If it's not your mother, maybe it's a friends mother or a woman from a book club. Women have this seemingly instinctual auto-switch and can sacrifice themselves to where they loose their very soul for the man they're with. We have to enact certain disciplines to counter this until we're older and are no longer afraid to spend me-time. But if you can undergo the emotional and mental process of overcoming this fear sooner, the stronger you will be for yourself and your partner.

Sorry this is long! This is not an easy time, it's important to research how to create a safe space for you and be a safe person for the person you'd like to build a life with. It doesn't happen immediately. But if you can both at least commit to growth and to creating trust, everything else is just navigation. 

Choose wisely with counsellors - they will all claim to be experts in autsim but most have no clue.   They are 'normal'; people so it's like them trying to understand what motivates a dolphin - they are guessing.   Some are very good - search them out.

Maybe involve a mutually friendly 3rd person to talk.

I have got into a similar situation with my wife who I love dearly, but we seem to now live fairly separate lives, which I regret greatly.

The 3rd person should ideally be someone who understands autistic thinking and behaviour.

many counsellors say they do as it is a common scenario .

DaveAsperg

Thanks for your advice Dave. 

I have tried to find things to do that interest him. I have even played on a game console with him for 9 hours straight which I did purely for him despite him telling me that I was bad at it the whole time. Towards the end of playing on the game with me, he began checking his watch like someone needing their next fix before disappearing off for an hour and a half to play on his phone game. I was gutted. 

How do I commuitate to him that the amount of gaming is too much? When I have previously asked him to cut down he takes it that I am being controlling and demanding he stop gaming all together.

Hi Plastic,

Thank you again for your input.

His main interest at the moment is gaming, which is what has caused problems in the marriage. He will go to his gaming room and spend all his time in there. This has taken over his previous obsessions such as music, something we both enjoyed together. 

The gaming room has had to go to make space for the baby's room. This is something that he really couldn't cope with, but as we are unable to afford a bigger house, it was the only option. 

It is only after I fell pregnant that we realised the likely hood that he is on the spectrum. Before this we assumed he had some sort of ptsd and anger issues caused by traumatic events in his early 20s. He's had therapy before but never kept up to it. I could see a difference in him for it but he always insisted it wasnt working

Some very good points made and realisation this is a sad situation. Finding enjoyable things to do together would be my advice, to build your enjoyment and team working. The computers and games need to be limited though as they are a common retreat for us autistics.

Hi Blue,

Thank you for your input. 

We have been married for a year and a half. Spending a year of it in lockdown. My hubby used to enjoy us going out on a weekend, he enjoys gaming and playing his instruments.

However since he was furloughed during the first lockdown  he began spending all his time on the games, either in his gaming room or on his phone whenever he was sat next to me. The conversation died and I started to feel very alone, insisting that he would need to cut down on gaming when baby arrived. 

This is what caused the problems we've had, his reluctance to see the  amount of time spent on games as an issue and the mood the games put him in if he either was a on them all day or couldn't go on them. Either way I was faced with a moody snappy hubby. It's like the games sap his social skills.

It was him that always wanted kids, he used to talk about having a family bubble and a child to teach things to. He has told me since that he is worried about if he will be a good enough dad. I have tried to reassure him with how I have seen him play dad to our cats who he makes little dens for if we ever get anything delivered in a big enough box. 

I don't doubt he will be a good dad, as long as he can control his temper and pull himself away from the games long enough to get to know his child. 

The games haven't always been such a massive issue and I pray that once the country opens up and he ventures out again, the amount of gaming will go back to how it was originally. My fear is that it won't and that I will never see my hubby and our child will never see his dad. 

someone having Autism spectrum disorder / Asperger can explain behaviours but it doesn't always justifies individuals with autism spectrum disorders / aspergers  behaviour .If he is relatively aware that he is on the autism spectrum and has managed to maintain a relationship with you to procreate with you then he is certainly too late to just walk away from you.

You mentioned things have been difficult for a while, how long since the relationship started to break down. Before or after you became pregnant ? I mention this because even men who are not on the spectrum experience Dad shock/ Dad Depression.

If you this is accidental pregnancy and you and your husband were not on the same page when you conceived your baby then the pressure and anxiety of becoming a father is crippling him. Being neuro diverse makes it extremely difficult when you have issues with social imagination you can't imagine or predict how you life is going to be affected and that uncertainty makes you malfunction when you have autism. 

Another thing is to relieve the pressure is have a deep serious talk, which you should of had months ago on how your husband having autism is going to affect his ability to be a parent and how to may affect this child emotionally, mentally and genetically. Their are some amazing autistic fathers out their but like neurotypical fathers their are some who just aren't capable. He could be extremely worried about having the child with additional needs with predetermined guilt if the child is born with autism or other neurodevelopmental disorders because there is a genetic component feeling extremely bad for the child's possible future hardships that come with the disorder. Yes, having autism can make life difficult but with the right support and encouragement a child with autism can thrive. 

Stop contacting him and let your husband recover from the burnout, more you pester the more difficult it gets to recover and the longer it takes. i would give him a week at most to recover. It could mean the relationship is over or he could recover from burnout and apologize and return home. 

When your in a relationship with someone with autism you need to make reasonable accommodations if not the relationship will breakdown, You need to take this time and reflect on the relationship to se when you could made some very simple accommodations so if you both decide to stay together so this doesn't happen again.  

Whilst his brain is fried to the point that he's run way to his safe space, then sending demanding texts loaded with emotion and deadlines and ultimatums will not get a response.

Until you can calm his brain down and get him stress-stabilised, he won't engage.   If he feels that you just represent extreme stess , he'll avoid you.

What hobbies does he have?    Is he into planes or cars?    Is there somewhere you can take him to indulge his 'hobby-brain'.   If you can, it will offset the 'stress-brain' for a while and you'll be able to chat to him - but only as long as you keep ALL emotion out of it - treat it like a business meeting.   Have a picnic - have a lovely day and let him go back to his parents afterwards - that will put a huge positive into his mind and help him reprocess what he's doing.

He will need to have a solid plan for stability - uncertainty is unacceptable - and if he feels it's all his problem, then he'll be brain-fried and locked up.  If you can lower the stress, you'll be able to communicate easier.

Unfortunately, the end result of all this may be that he admits he can't do it - it seemed like a good idea but he simply doesn't have the brain processing power to deal with working, being a husband, running a house and now being a dad.

You may have to be prepared to call it a day and look after your own interests.     How well do you get on with his parents?   There's a third way of some kind of part-time relationship if it works - semi-divorced - it will work for him and the child but it will mess you up because your needs won't be met..

There's a lot to think about.