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He's refusing to make a decision

Lulu

Hi all,

My undiagnosed autistic husband left me and removed all his things from our family home a few days ago, things have been difficult for a while, I'm currently pregnant and we have only just recently realised he's likely to be autistic, although due to covid, he won't be assessed until the month I'm due to give birth.

At the moment my husband is living with his parents, ignoring my texts and is completely refusing to engage in any confession with anyone regarding a decision of if he wants to be with me or not. Apparently he says he still love me but has said he doesn't know if love is enough anymore.

After doing some reading I realised that this could be him shutting down. Although he is still going to work and engaging in his hobbies. I don't know if this means anything.

Due to him leaving, I am in an extremely bad place, worried he will forget about me or stop missing me the longer he is away, but I don't know what to do for the best. Should I keep texting him? Should I leave him and give him space?

His father tells me that once the baby is born, this may help to build bridges, but that's just his opinion and is not based on anything my husband has said.

In your opinion, what is the best thing I can do right now? Do you think there is any chance of him coming home? Should I give up all hope. If he has made a decision, why wouldn't he tell me? 

The silence is absolute torture, please help me with any information you feel may help.


Thank you in advance

Parents

  • Whilst his brain is fried to the point that he's run way to his safe space, then sending demanding texts loaded with emotion and deadlines and ultimatums will not get a response.

    Until you can calm his brain down and get him stress-stabilised, he won't engage.   If he feels that you just represent extreme stess , he'll avoid you.

    What hobbies does he have?    Is he into planes or cars?    Is there somewhere you can take him to indulge his 'hobby-brain'.   If you can, it will offset the 'stress-brain' for a while and you'll be able to chat to him - but only as long as you keep ALL emotion out of it - treat it like a business meeting.   Have a picnic - have a lovely day and let him go back to his parents afterwards - that will put a huge positive into his mind and help him reprocess what he's doing.

    He will need to have a solid plan for stability - uncertainty is unacceptable - and if he feels it's all his problem, then he'll be brain-fried and locked up.  If you can lower the stress, you'll be able to communicate easier.

    Unfortunately, the end result of all this may be that he admits he can't do it - it seemed like a good idea but he simply doesn't have the brain processing power to deal with working, being a husband, running a house and now being a dad.

    You may have to be prepared to call it a day and look after your own interests.     How well do you get on with his parents?   There's a third way of some kind of part-time relationship if it works - semi-divorced - it will work for him and the child but it will mess you up because your needs won't be met..

    There's a lot to think about.

  • in reply to Plastic

    Hi Plastic,

    Thank you again for your input.

    His main interest at the moment is gaming, which is what has caused problems in the marriage. He will go to his gaming room and spend all his time in there. This has taken over his previous obsessions such as music, something we both enjoyed together. 

    The gaming room has had to go to make space for the baby's room. This is something that he really couldn't cope with, but as we are unable to afford a bigger house, it was the only option. 

    It is only after I fell pregnant that we realised the likely hood that he is on the spectrum. Before this we assumed he had some sort of ptsd and anger issues caused by traumatic events in his early 20s. He's had therapy before but never kept up to it. I could see a difference in him for it but he always insisted it wasnt working

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  • in reply to Plastic

    Hi Plastic,

    Thank you again for your input.

    His main interest at the moment is gaming, which is what has caused problems in the marriage. He will go to his gaming room and spend all his time in there. This has taken over his previous obsessions such as music, something we both enjoyed together. 

    The gaming room has had to go to make space for the baby's room. This is something that he really couldn't cope with, but as we are unable to afford a bigger house, it was the only option. 

    It is only after I fell pregnant that we realised the likely hood that he is on the spectrum. Before this we assumed he had some sort of ptsd and anger issues caused by traumatic events in his early 20s. He's had therapy before but never kept up to it. I could see a difference in him for it but he always insisted it wasnt working

Children
  • in reply to DaveAsperg

    Choose wisely with counsellors - they will all claim to be experts in autsim but most have no clue.   They are 'normal'; people so it's like them trying to understand what motivates a dolphin - they are guessing.   Some are very good - search them out.

  • in reply to Lulu

    Maybe involve a mutually friendly 3rd person to talk.

    I have got into a similar situation with my wife who I love dearly, but we seem to now live fairly separate lives, which I regret greatly.

    The 3rd person should ideally be someone who understands autistic thinking and behaviour.

    many counsellors say they do as it is a common scenario .

  • in reply to Lulu

    Thanks for your advice Dave. 

    I have tried to find things to do that interest him. I have even played on a game console with him for 9 hours straight which I did purely for him despite him telling me that I was bad at it the whole time. Towards the end of playing on the game with me, he began checking his watch like someone needing their next fix before disappearing off for an hour and a half to play on his phone game. I was gutted. 

    How do I commuitate to him that the amount of gaming is too much? When I have previously asked him to cut down he takes it that I am being controlling and demanding he stop gaming all together.