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He's refusing to make a decision

Lulu

Hi all,

My undiagnosed autistic husband left me and removed all his things from our family home a few days ago, things have been difficult for a while, I'm currently pregnant and we have only just recently realised he's likely to be autistic, although due to covid, he won't be assessed until the month I'm due to give birth.

At the moment my husband is living with his parents, ignoring my texts and is completely refusing to engage in any confession with anyone regarding a decision of if he wants to be with me or not. Apparently he says he still love me but has said he doesn't know if love is enough anymore.

After doing some reading I realised that this could be him shutting down. Although he is still going to work and engaging in his hobbies. I don't know if this means anything.

Due to him leaving, I am in an extremely bad place, worried he will forget about me or stop missing me the longer he is away, but I don't know what to do for the best. Should I keep texting him? Should I leave him and give him space?

His father tells me that once the baby is born, this may help to build bridges, but that's just his opinion and is not based on anything my husband has said.

In your opinion, what is the best thing I can do right now? Do you think there is any chance of him coming home? Should I give up all hope. If he has made a decision, why wouldn't he tell me? 

The silence is absolute torture, please help me with any information you feel may help.


Thank you in advance

Parents

  • Hi all,

    He is still sending money for bills etc but has offered nothing towards preparing for babys arrival.

    He came to see me last night, told me he still loves me but doesn't know if he can be with me or any relationship or if he will be living his life alone. He has told me to focus on myself and baby while he is  off taking time out to sort out his mental health and deciding if he wants to be with me or not. 

    I appreciate that he has finally come to speak to me instead of ignoring me completely, leaving me begging his disinterested parents for answers. But the fact I have to just wait around to see what my future holds is making me ill. 

    Do autistic partners miss their spouse? The longer he is away, is it more likely he will just become detached from me and never come home? I want to give him space but at the same time fear that if I do this he will forget about me. 

Reply

  • Hi all,

    He is still sending money for bills etc but has offered nothing towards preparing for babys arrival.

    He came to see me last night, told me he still loves me but doesn't know if he can be with me or any relationship or if he will be living his life alone. He has told me to focus on myself and baby while he is  off taking time out to sort out his mental health and deciding if he wants to be with me or not. 

    I appreciate that he has finally come to speak to me instead of ignoring me completely, leaving me begging his disinterested parents for answers. But the fact I have to just wait around to see what my future holds is making me ill. 

    Do autistic partners miss their spouse? The longer he is away, is it more likely he will just become detached from me and never come home? I want to give him space but at the same time fear that if I do this he will forget about me. 

Children
  • in reply to Lulu

    Are his parent interested in being grandparents?? How odd.

    This feels like an emotional nightmare. As a mentor to younger women I would say you need to Leave Him Be. Delete him from your phone, put ALL past emails in to a folder so they're not present and check out for a moment. This takes a good deal of possibly crying him out of your system right now. Assume he's not returning. He may, but you cannot live in a state of: Indefinite Postponement.

    After you get past this hard part, create a fantasy/vision of the most enjoyable life you can think of. Repaint the walls if you want. buy a nice cooking pan. Throw out an ugly blanket. Nuances of change in our environment can help accept unbearable changing realities. As someone with social issues, I learned a great deal by studying Ethics. By learning about Boundaries. These rules of relationships were what I found to be the only thing stable and reliable in an ever-changing world.

    Regardless of him being or not being attached while gone, YOU have needs and are worth being kind/considerate toward. The more you put your life on hold for someone who is not investing their FAIR share into the partnership, the more you will eventually resent him and that doesn't help.

    We cannot control the other and this is a hard reality. Love requires diligence and respect from both parties. It requires us to allow the other person their imperfections. But it also can require a consequence of creating appropriate boundaries. If I allow another to be selfish and careless toward me, again that love will turn to resentment. 

    I would start planning my life on my terms with my friends. I would make my routine and start finding help raising my child and if the father wants to fit himself in to a life I've created, he can but on my terms. Basic needs need to be met: food, shelter, finances, trust. Many things can be negotiable, but respect is not one of them. 

    Right now you need to make yourself cookies. And binge watch something and research how to be the best mum in the world. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I've had to go through something similar but decided to grow into a better human and I cannot tell you how grateful I am for it. It took me a week to get past the shock, and then I started to find I really enjoyed doing what ever I want how ever I want when ever I wanted. If a friend or a sibling can move in with you for the time, please make this happen. It would do a world a good. You shouldn't go through this alone.