Really struggling with work

Hi everyone, I haven’t been formally diagnosed yet but my initial referral to the ELFT service was accepted and I was told I would be on a 1 to 2 year waiting list. Between that time I moved house and then COVID happened which has delayed everything. I also registered with a new gp so I am assuming I need a new referral. 

The issue I have is that  I am really struggling at work. During COVID I was made redundant and then redeployed to another role in my company. This was a demotion and I feel I was cut because I wasn’t confident or social enough. In my new team I feel colleagues  tried to give me a chance at first but after our first conversation I can tell that they didn’t  like me and I must have committed some kind of social etiquette fail. I know I have social anxiety so the tone of my voice wavers and gets deep or mumbling and I think people may mistake my expression as being too frowning or negative.

In any case by the first couple minutes I know I’ve done it again and put someone off. This happened today. A lady called to introduce herself as I am supposed to help her with some work, I said I know what it’s about so can she explain what I need to do. Then the friendly tone she was using at first changed to business like. Was I supposed to make small talk before asking about the work so that she felt more comfortable working with me? I’m rubbish at small talk. At other times when I join virtual meetings there is a 5 minute small talk before the meeting starts and I am just silent. I don’t know what to say. Or if there is something I can say I miss the moment due to my pounding heart and nerves, hot flush and then it’s too late to contribute.

I really want to leave my job because the people are not nice or accepting of my personality and because it’s a temporary contract, I will have to leave eventually. In my old job, where I took minutes, colleagues  were kind to me even if I talked over them or spoke too loudly or generally stuttered and said awkward things. They were truly nice people who think might have figured out I might be autistic. This new team seem hostile and in a bad mood around me all the time. Or just dismissive of my presence at meetings.

I’m getting depressed because all job adverts I’ve seen in my skill set of ‘admin’ say things like ‘we are looking for an excellent communicator, confident communicator, someone with interpersonal skills, outgoing’ someone who can broker partnerships and resolve conflicts etc. These attributes are impossible for me. This feels like discrimination. If I am autistic this will never be me. Am I just supposed to be unemployed? I have tried playing up social at interviews in the past only to get the job and managers tell me with a frown you’re different to how you interviewed. Its unfair the world is built to cater to extroverted types. I know if I was hired for all these jobs I would give them perfect work and never miss a deadline. Instead the world seems to favour people who can socialise but work at a much slower pace. 

Does anyone have any tips on how to introduce yourself to new colleagues and act like a friendly human? What kinds of jobs do you do or what kinds of jobs are good for autistics? I liked my minuting job before I was fired. Are there any jobs I could get trained in without going back to uni. Or do apprenticeships for adults exist, can you sign post if yes?

I have observed the way people act around one another and it’s like they are all reading off the same playbook but when I try it just doesn’t work out. How do people just fall into these groups but I’m on the outside?!

I’m so depressed. I’ve never been able to relate to people, look people in the eye for too long, or find people in real life who share my interests. I’m a good listener and a loyal friend and I am always kind to people. I never bullied at school but I was bullied. I’m still single while others have 3 kids in my age group. This is another common ground I don’t have with other ‘normal’ people. I’m single and childless which is a whole other stigma. The older I get the more depressed I get about being so different from everyone else and the more I just want to stay at home because in comparison I’m missing out on so much. This is torture to be honest and sometimes I wish euthanasia was a legal opinion for me because I don’t see my life getting any better.  I’m stuck and I will always be stuck because I don’t know how to be any other way. It’s frustrating.