Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I haven’t been formally diagnosed yet but my initial referral to the ELFT service was accepted and I was told I would be on a 1 to 2 year waiting list. Between that time I moved house and then COVID happened which has delayed everything. I also registered with a new gp so I am assuming I need a new referral.
The issue I have is that I am really struggling at work. During COVID I was made redundant and then redeployed to another role in my company. This was a demotion and I feel I was cut because I wasn’t confident or social enough. In my new team I feel colleagues tried to give me a chance at first but after our first conversation I can tell that they didn’t like me and I must have committed some kind of social etiquette fail. I know I have social anxiety so the tone of my voice wavers and gets deep or mumbling and I think people may mistake my expression as being too frowning or negative.
In any case by the first couple minutes I know I’ve done it again and put someone off. This happened today. A lady called to introduce herself as I am supposed to help her with some work, I said I know what it’s about so can she explain what I need to do. Then the friendly tone she was using at first changed to business like. Was I supposed to make small talk before asking about the work so that she felt more comfortable working with me? I’m rubbish at small talk. At other times when I join virtual meetings there is a 5 minute small talk before the meeting starts and I am just silent. I don’t know what to say. Or if there is something I can say I miss the moment due to my pounding heart and nerves, hot flush and then it’s too late to contribute.
I really want to leave my job because the people are not nice or accepting of my personality and because it’s a temporary contract, I will have to leave eventually. In my old job, where I took minutes, colleagues were kind to me even if I talked over them or spoke too loudly or generally stuttered and said awkward things. They were truly nice people who think might have figured out I might be autistic. This new team seem hostile and in a bad mood around me all the time. Or just dismissive of my presence at meetings.
I’m getting depressed because all job adverts I’ve seen in my skill set of ‘admin’ say things like ‘we are looking for an excellent communicator, confident communicator, someone with interpersonal skills, outgoing’ someone who can broker partnerships and resolve conflicts etc. These attributes are impossible for me. This feels like discrimination. If I am autistic this will never be me. Am I just supposed to be unemployed? I have tried playing up social at interviews in the past only to get the job and managers tell me with a frown you’re different to how you interviewed. Its unfair the world is built to cater to extroverted types. I know if I was hired for all these jobs I would give them perfect work and never miss a deadline. Instead the world seems to favour people who can socialise but work at a much slower pace.
Does anyone have any tips on how to introduce yourself to new colleagues and act like a friendly human? What kinds of jobs do you do or what kinds of jobs are good for autistics? I liked my minuting job before I was fired. Are there any jobs I could get trained in without going back to uni. Or do apprenticeships for adults exist, can you sign post if yes?
I have observed the way people act around one another and it’s like they are all reading off the same playbook but when I try it just doesn’t work out. How do people just fall into these groups but I’m on the outside?!
I’m so depressed. I’ve never been able to relate to people, look people in the eye for too long, or find people in real life who share my interests. I’m a good listener and a loyal friend and I am always kind to people. I never bullied at school but I was bullied. I’m still single while others have 3 kids in my age group. This is another common ground I don’t have with other ‘normal’ people. I’m single and childless which is a whole other stigma. The older I get the more depressed I get about being so different from everyone else and the more I just want to stay at home because in comparison I’m missing out on so much. This is torture to be honest and sometimes I wish euthanasia was a legal opinion for me because I don’t see my life getting any better. I’m stuck and I will always be stuck because I don’t know how to be any other way. It’s frustrating.
Plastic said:A good trick for aspies is to apply to small, techy / nerdy companies
That's quite ironic, as from 1997-2002, I had been working as a programmer at one such "small, techy company", a software supplier, but they weren't "nerdy". Many were really "alpha-male" where I wasn't, as they had things in common which I didn't, the boss criticised me for "not fitting in", "you're not one of the lads are you", "you don't play football with them" etc etc and that it was entirely me who "had to improve my communication". I doubted if anything would have been said to the people in the cliques as it was the pack mentality.
mrs.snooks said:those descriptions of "good team player"
Team player is such a subjective descriptor. I believe the objective definition should be that a person can courteously co-operate with team colleagues and share knowledge in a working context, however the subjectivities creep in such as measuring a person "fitting in" as above, participating in certain types of "team building exercises" and seasonal things like Christmas meals and Secret Santa.
Yes they are really annoying. Get. To. The. Point. I don't care how people are today and I don't want to tell them how I am. And why should I be pleased to meet someone when I don't know their true personality yet?
Another annoying thing:
Someone will say: 'I found out this really interesting fact about seahorses the other day.'
Me: 'Oh yes, I love seahorses!'
Someone: 'well, I was walking down the road, it was a sunny day and I looked at my watch and it said 11am, so I-'
Me: 'but what's the fact about seahorses?'
Someone: 'Hold on! I'm getting to that. I was looking at my watch and it was 11am, so I went into a cafe...'
By this time I've lost interest. Get. To. The. Fkg. Point.
I just noticed that you said you were really depressed and thinking of euthanasia. I often feel like that as my life is boring and pointless, I would happily take a chance to have only six more months of it.
But it sounds like you need help, can you go to your doctor and say you're depressed? I don't know what it's like where you live but maybe you could have a video call with them or phone call if you can't go in person. Just say that 'doctor, I'm feeling really depressed and thinking of ending it all.' That will get their attention that you need help.
I hate wasting time with all those verbal 'headers and footers' that NTs seem to need. I'm only interested in the meat - the facts - the rest is just jaw-ache.
But I'll play the game if I need to get something from them.
I would still apply for the jobs you like the look of - many companies use a generic type of advert with all the trendy buzzwords that may bare no relation to the actual job. Big yourself up - don't be afraid of failure.
I can do a 'performance' for the interview - I'm the best person on the planet - temporarily - I use any interviews to try to figure out what the real job is and what sort of morons I would be working with / for.. It puts the ball into my court to make the decision - not theirs.
Often, I've found the job is really menial or you're expected to cover for everyone whilst no-one will be covering for you - or you'll be the target when everything goes wrong.. Walk away.
It doesn't matter if your performance fails - it's practice for the next one and who knows, it might pay off - but if you don't apply, you have already failed the interview.
A good trick for aspies is to apply to small, techy / nerdy companies - they are not big enough for HR depts so it's likely the owner (who is probably aspie) will see you. Aspie to aspie conversations are dead easy - you will succeed.
Just wanted to say that I remember those stupid job adverts. They used to say 'bubbly personality' 'motivated self-starter' in the descriptions. What on earth are those? Certainly not me. The motivated self-starter sounds like a car!
Yes I think you are meant to make small talk with people before getting to the important bit. e.g. with that lady on the phone you mention. Try saying things like 'how are you today?' at the beginning when you first meet them. And at the end, say 'nice to meet you'. This seems to reassure people. I don't like those phrases but non autistic people seem to feel more relaxed by them.
NAS71993 said:all job adverts I’ve seen in my skill set of ‘admin’ say things like ‘we are looking for an excellent communicator, confident communicator, someone with interpersonal skills, outgoing’ someone who can broker partnerships and resolve conflicts etc
New here and finding the same thing as ‘admin’ is such a broad job description. I have computer and numeracy skills so would be well suited to a 'back office' role with a lot of spreadsheet / database / finance work but roles are combined with reception / telephone / customer / public elements that I did not do well at when I had tried in the past, for a long time having tried to muddle through employment without declaring Aspergers, but finding I would have to in future after being told to "improve at communication skills" in appraisals.
NAS71993 said:I have tried playing up social at interviews in the past only to get the job and managers tell me with a frown you’re different to how you interviewed
I've seldom managed to even 'play up social' at my interviews, they do suck as a sole means of assessment as they are so heavily based on first impressions, body language and "selling oneself". I was able to start my last long term job in 2011 as an agency temp when it was just a case of '(Employer XXX) need help with some data entry can you turn up and start next week', for a while it was rolling weekly temping but eventually I got a fixed-term contract and was later made permanent. Was really good until upper management decided to 'Outsource' several departments and I was made redundant November 2019.
It feels like being in such a deep abyss between being nowhere near impaired enough to be deemed an ESA/PIP case, yet too impaired to be employers' first choice.
Best of luck to everyone on the thread.
I too am struggling at my job and with my mental health. And I am looking at new jobs but just sigh when I read those descriptions of "good team player" and "excellent communication skills".
I would go and see your new GP as soon as you can about your referral, and also about how your mental health is.
Take care and stay safe.
What's a local autism team? Didn't know there was such a thing.
You had a job that worked for you, so it is possible to find another that suits you the same. I'd start off with speaking to your new GP to find out about your referral needs and go from there. I've had a lot of support from my local autism team whilst waiting for assessment because they see my difficulties with work, so you may be able to send them an email once referred and explain your need for support ASAP.