Empathy v sympathy

This is what I do for almost all human interaction! Analyse how others behave and come up with some rules.

I score 24

I've got good at sympathy, I've systematised it! Badically learnt the rules of what you're supposed to do and say by reading, watching, listen to what people say to me, etc.

Texting is not good for discussing issues, even between two NTs. Pick the phone up and chat.

There's quite a few relationship and couples books, might be worth a read?

I think this is actually more or a male/female thing rather than an autism thing. It happens to neurotypicals as well.

When a woman complains about something to you, she doesn't want you to to solve it. That's the natural reaction of a man: you have a problem, you fix it. What she wants is sympathy, which is basically listening to her complain and saying things like "that sucks" and "I'm sorry". This is very effective and she will feel better afterwards for getting it off her chest and feeling like somebody cares.

This is something I've had thousands of talks/discussions with my wife about - before we were aware of my autism

I score very low on EQ/FQ tests as well. I guess that's why I've never understood my impact on the world around me. I've always felt like I was more of an observer to what was going on. 

However, I've learned now to check in occasionally and respond with "I understand - it must be difficult" when my wife is emotionally upset for one reason or another. In other words, I accept that I don't understand and make an effort to do what she needs. It's very much like trying to adapt to a foreign culture to fit in with it. 

So far, it has worked really well :) 

I think you can probably learn to recognise empathy and situations which require it, but I'm not sure if you can increase your own level of empathy. I would like to think you can, as with anything, by practise? I think the fact that you recognise what empathy is, and that you obviously are aware that your girlfriend is needing something, and that you are trying to work out what that is and how to give it to her, is great testament to your level of empathy Maybe 'talking' about the things she's unhappy with, rather than 'texting', would help make things clearer? 

Possibly. I lived with her pre-diagnosis and it didn't go so well so we spend time separately. Which works for me but then makes her say she is in an estranged relationship. I am finding it very difficult to read between the lines. We get drawn into texting back and forth too which doesn't help. 

I'm thinking we should have counselling together but then that hasn't worked for me individually before. 

So as well as an instruction manual I will gladly take recommendations on therapies that people have tried. 

Can you increase your empathy? Can it be measured? Is Baron-Cohen a good authority on it. 

So many questions...

if she's saying in her message that she wants someone to take of her and the house, but that she doesn't want money, then does she want you to make a commitment to her? Does she want you to move in together so that she doesn't have to worry about things like money or the house, because then you would be responsible for that?

OK... so, saying she was worried about money wasn't her asking for money? Maybe she didn't ask for any. Gah. This is hard. 

Jarvis said:

I could have just said "oh! That's terrible, you must be really concerned." But how does that help?! 

Yes it does

because u are showing empathy and allowing she to express herself back. Did she ask for money ?