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Empathy v sympathy

Jarvis

Good morning! 

I score very low on the EQ/FQ test. My other half scores nearly 80 !? This seems to be another thing on her list of things that aren't working in our relationship. Last night she texts me concerned about money, I offered to pay some money into her account and this led to a whole stream of messages about how she wanted to be in a relationship with someone who took care of her and the house and that she didn't want money. She is now saying I don't understand her anymore (like a diagnosis changed me...) 

I am confused. If someone has a problem (no money) and you can help doesn't that mean the problem has gone away?! 

I've done a bit of reading on empathy and I'm trying to learn how to be better at it but it still seems a bit pointless at times. I could have just said "oh! That's terrible, you must be really concerned." But how does that help?! 

If anyone has any suggestions on books to read or better yet an instruction manual please let me know! 

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  • I think this is actually more or a male/female thing rather than an autism thing. It happens to neurotypicals as well.

    When a woman complains about something to you, she doesn't want you to to solve it. That's the natural reaction of a man: you have a problem, you fix it. What she wants is sympathy, which is basically listening to her complain and saying things like "that sucks" and "I'm sorry". This is very effective and she will feel better afterwards for getting it off her chest and feeling like somebody cares.

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  • I think this is actually more or a male/female thing rather than an autism thing. It happens to neurotypicals as well.

    When a woman complains about something to you, she doesn't want you to to solve it. That's the natural reaction of a man: you have a problem, you fix it. What she wants is sympathy, which is basically listening to her complain and saying things like "that sucks" and "I'm sorry". This is very effective and she will feel better afterwards for getting it off her chest and feeling like somebody cares.

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