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Empathy v sympathy

Jarvis

Good morning! 

I score very low on the EQ/FQ test. My other half scores nearly 80 !? This seems to be another thing on her list of things that aren't working in our relationship. Last night she texts me concerned about money, I offered to pay some money into her account and this led to a whole stream of messages about how she wanted to be in a relationship with someone who took care of her and the house and that she didn't want money. She is now saying I don't understand her anymore (like a diagnosis changed me...) 

I am confused. If someone has a problem (no money) and you can help doesn't that mean the problem has gone away?! 

I've done a bit of reading on empathy and I'm trying to learn how to be better at it but it still seems a bit pointless at times. I could have just said "oh! That's terrible, you must be really concerned." But how does that help?! 

If anyone has any suggestions on books to read or better yet an instruction manual please let me know! 

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  • in reply to Jarvis

    Texting is not good for discussing issues, even between two NTs. Pick the phone up and chat.

    There's quite a few relationship and couples books, might be worth a read?

  • in reply to Jarvis

    I think you can probably learn to recognise empathy and situations which require it, but I'm not sure if you can increase your own level of empathy. I would like to think you can, as with anything, by practise? I think the fact that you recognise what empathy is, and that you obviously are aware that your girlfriend is needing something, and that you are trying to work out what that is and how to give it to her, is great testament to your level of empathy Slight smile Maybe 'talking' about the things she's unhappy with, rather than 'texting', would help make things clearer? 

  • in reply to NAS71069

    Possibly. I lived with her pre-diagnosis and it didn't go so well so we spend time separately. Which works for me but then makes her say she is in an estranged relationship. I am finding it very difficult to read between the lines. We get drawn into texting back and forth too which doesn't help. 

    I'm thinking we should have counselling together but then that hasn't worked for me individually before. 

    So as well as an instruction manual I will gladly take recommendations on therapies that people have tried. 

    Can you increase your empathy? Can it be measured? Is Baron-Cohen a good authority on it. 

    So many questions... Rofl

  • in reply to Jarvis

    Slight smile if she's saying in her message that she wants someone to take of her and the house, but that she doesn't want money, then does she want you to make a commitment to her? Does she want you to move in together so that she doesn't have to worry about things like money or the house, because then you would be responsible for that?