Empathy v sympathy

Good morning!

I score very low on the EQ/FQ test. My other half scores nearly 80 !? This seems to be another thing on her list of things that aren't working in our relationship. Last night she texts me concerned about money, I offered to pay some money into her account and this led to a whole stream of messages about how she wanted to be in a relationship with someone who took care of her and the house and that she didn't want money. She is now saying I don't understand her anymore (like a diagnosis changed me...)

I am confused. If someone has a problem (no money) and you can help doesn't that mean the problem has gone away?!

I've done a bit of reading on empathy and I'm trying to learn how to be better at it but it still seems a bit pointless at times. I could have just said "oh! That's terrible, you must be really concerned." But how does that help?!

If anyone has any suggestions on books to read or better yet an instruction manual please let me know!

Parents

aidie over 4 years ago

Jarvis said:
I could have just said "oh! That's terrible, you must be really concerned." But how does that help?!

Yes it does

because u are showing empathy and allowing she to express herself back. Did she ask for money ?
Cancel
Vote Up 0 Vote Down

Sign in to reply

Cancel
Jarvis over 4 years ago in reply to aidie

OK... so, saying she was worried about money wasn't her asking for money? Maybe she didn't ask for any. Gah. This is hard.
Cancel
Vote Up 0 Vote Down

Sign in to reply

Cancel
NAS71069 over 4 years ago in reply to Jarvis

if she's saying in her message that she wants someone to take of her and the house, but that she doesn't want money, then does she want you to make a commitment to her? Does she want you to move in together so that she doesn't have to worry about things like money or the house, because then you would be responsible for that?
Cancel
Vote Up 0 Vote Down

Sign in to reply

Cancel
Mark (NicheMarket) over 4 years ago in reply to Jarvis

Texting is not good for discussing issues, even between two NTs. Pick the phone up and chat.

There's quite a few relationship and couples books, might be worth a read?
Cancel
Vote Up 0 Vote Down

Sign in to reply

Cancel
NAS71069 over 4 years ago in reply to Jarvis

I think you can probably learn to recognise empathy and situations which require it, but I'm not sure if you can increase your own level of empathy. I would like to think you can, as with anything, by practise? I think the fact that you recognise what empathy is, and that you obviously are aware that your girlfriend is needing something, and that you are trying to work out what that is and how to give it to her, is great testament to your level of empathy Maybe 'talking' about the things she's unhappy with, rather than 'texting', would help make things clearer?
Cancel
Vote Up 0 Vote Down

Sign in to reply

Cancel

Reply

NAS71069 over 4 years ago in reply to Jarvis

I think you can probably learn to recognise empathy and situations which require it, but I'm not sure if you can increase your own level of empathy. I would like to think you can, as with anything, by practise? I think the fact that you recognise what empathy is, and that you obviously are aware that your girlfriend is needing something, and that you are trying to work out what that is and how to give it to her, is great testament to your level of empathy Maybe 'talking' about the things she's unhappy with, rather than 'texting', would help make things clearer?
Cancel
Vote Up 0 Vote Down

Sign in to reply

Cancel

Children

No Data