Published on 12, July, 2020
I have always struggled in the work place.
I have worked for my current employer for two years. This is a true record for me. Usually I can hold a post for six month to a year, maximum.
My experiences in work places has been nothing short of traumatic. I deeply struggle.
I do better at reading people now in my 40's than I did in my first 30 years. My current employer isn't a terrible one. I think they are actually really good and I often tell them that I love my job and that they are the best employer I have ever had.
However, I am really struggling. I find that the deeper into a workplace I go, the more I feel out of depth. The waters seem to get muddier and I feel like I'm wading into a thick fog.
I work hard and I try my best to do things right but I always feel like disaster is just on the horizon. I will miss regular social cues and I can easily miss impending doom. However, I am also super sensitive and can at times feel when something is wrong even if every one does the usual NT thing of telling me everything is fine.
I can't do the right dance if no one will tell me what tune is playing. I am always worried that I am missing something.
A colleague recently told me that all the managers are good with me but that I need to watch my back when it comes to the big boss. This was definitely specifically about me. he wouldn't tell me anything else.
Now I feel like it's all going to fall apart and that I have no understanding or control over it. I can't tell anyone because this person shouldn't have told me this and that kind of complicated he said, she said never end well for us.
I'm devastated. I love my job. I felt valued and empowered and was so proud to be part of the team. Now I feel like it was a stupid fantasy and that I am probably not really of any value and am being watched and even plotted against.
I don't think I could face another job. I want to work but I just can't handle all the trauma that comes with it. My world feels like it's falling apart and I want so badly to withdraw and hide from this. I don't know how I am going to manage in work today. I feel like whatever I do, it will just make things worse.
I didn't know where else to go with this. It's hard to find people who understand me.
I have to go into work now and for the first time since starting there, I just don't want to go in.
Does your employer actually know of your autism? And if they do, have adjustments been put into place?
Your struggling at work reminds me of my problems. And it is just the sort of thing Access to Work can help with.
They recommended adjustments for me (and remember most adjustments are not costly or anything that is unusual. They are made to help you do the best you can, to work to your skills not your limitations. And your employer is obliged to put reasonable adjustments in place for their disabled employees. And autism can be classed as a disability if it affects your everyday life, which clearly it is doing.
Access to Work can provide training for your managers, a support worker for a couple of sessions a week, and supply funding for other adjustments if they are reasonable and your employer cannot afford them. You do not have to pay anything. My support worker was a great help, acting as an intermediary whenever problems arose and explaining what was expected. Above all she helped to explain that what sometimes appeared as insubordination was due to my autistic traits and explained to my employer how to avoid problems.
All this depends on you informing your employer of your autism, but they can do this for you if you do not know how to bring it up. Access to Work have their way of explaining things to your employer, and remember there are laws and remedial action you can take to prevent harassment, but a good employer will understand that you need help.
Above all it should be a cooperative venture and not something to worry about.
Thank you so much for your response.
I have not been diagnosed with autism. I have autistic friends and they recognise it in me. I definitely recognise it in me and my son is on the waiting list for assesment. I scored 37 on the online test. A test also suggested I lack empathy but I really don't think I do. I might lack complicated emotions but I care and relate to the feelings of others. I want to ask to be referred for diagnosis but I keep thinking they wont want to know because they are busy with covid. I worry that I won't be believed and will be dismissed.
When I was a teen, I was sent me to psychiatric hospital. It's obvious now that I was autistic but back then they literally diagnosed me with "A little bit of everything". I know, it would be laughable if these people didn't hold so much power over vulnerable people. The children were abused in that place for many years and other professionals knew about it but did nothing. Some tried but ultimately we were abandoned. I lack trust in authority, authorities and institutions because of this. Asking for referral, to me, is like poking a sleeping bear. I'm afraid to do it.
I am very fortunate in that the big boss and departmental managers are actually really good when it comes to the needs and wellbeing of the employees. They also know me and I get on well with them. They are actually really approachable. The company however will work people out of the business if they are 'not right for the role' and this is where me fears came in. I thought perhaps I had proved wrong for the business without noticing.
I have told them that I am pretty sure that I am autistic and I know that if I tell them I need something, they will genuinely do their best to accommodate me so I should know that I am more of an asset than a blight. Perhaps my fears got the better of me.
I still asked to reduce my hours and they agreed. I think the hours I chose would benefit both myself, my child and the business, so everyone should be happy. I am looking forward to when the reduction comes into effect.
Thank you