Published on 12, July, 2020
I have always struggled in the work place.
I have worked for my current employer for two years. This is a true record for me. Usually I can hold a post for six month to a year, maximum.
My experiences in work places has been nothing short of traumatic. I deeply struggle.
I do better at reading people now in my 40's than I did in my first 30 years. My current employer isn't a terrible one. I think they are actually really good and I often tell them that I love my job and that they are the best employer I have ever had.
However, I am really struggling. I find that the deeper into a workplace I go, the more I feel out of depth. The waters seem to get muddier and I feel like I'm wading into a thick fog.
I work hard and I try my best to do things right but I always feel like disaster is just on the horizon. I will miss regular social cues and I can easily miss impending doom. However, I am also super sensitive and can at times feel when something is wrong even if every one does the usual NT thing of telling me everything is fine.
I can't do the right dance if no one will tell me what tune is playing. I am always worried that I am missing something.
A colleague recently told me that all the managers are good with me but that I need to watch my back when it comes to the big boss. This was definitely specifically about me. he wouldn't tell me anything else.
Now I feel like it's all going to fall apart and that I have no understanding or control over it. I can't tell anyone because this person shouldn't have told me this and that kind of complicated he said, she said never end well for us.
I'm devastated. I love my job. I felt valued and empowered and was so proud to be part of the team. Now I feel like it was a stupid fantasy and that I am probably not really of any value and am being watched and even plotted against.
I don't think I could face another job. I want to work but I just can't handle all the trauma that comes with it. My world feels like it's falling apart and I want so badly to withdraw and hide from this. I don't know how I am going to manage in work today. I feel like whatever I do, it will just make things worse.
I didn't know where else to go with this. It's hard to find people who understand me.
I have to go into work now and for the first time since starting there, I just don't want to go in.
I know how you feel, I too have been through these problems. Are there any others jobs you would like to do, where you would be working more on your own? That's what I do now, and I get more time to myself and can go through things in my head and almost recharge ready my next social interaction.
I'm sorry you have experienced times like this. It can be traumatic.
I'm really glad you have found a way that works for you.
My employer has decided not to move me! They have decided to jiggled a few people around and they had a rethink about me. I think perhaps the person that told me had omitted a few details that totally changes the feel of it. Initially it was clear it was directed at me specifically but clearly they were either not privy to all the info or they just didn't think to mention others were being considered for reassignment too. Now that I have more info, I can see the plan in my mind and I think I understand the workings of it.
I don't mind moving if it is beneficial to the company. I'm bendable if I am working WITH someone. My distress was at the thought that I was on the cusp of realising I was being moved because I had failed somehow and no one could tell/help/direct me first.
I am so used to bad employers and nasty colleagues and being made a target of that being led to think I had been targeted again, secretly, really affected me. I guess that technically it was on over reaction like Raspberrypie said, although not if the info given had been correct in full.
I thought I must have been missing some obvious signs. It's awful when you are happy and suddenly you realise it wasn't actually happy for anyone else. You start getting paranoid when you feel happy. It's easy to feel like a failure when this happens and you get scared of being happy or content because you think the cycle will repeat.
If I ever need another job I would probably look at factory/assembly line work. I do really well when left to my own devices with a hands on task. My favourite job previously was packing boxes at a printers. I excelled at it too, although I didn't know hat until someone told me. I never watched how others worked or progressed. My boss hated women though so I resigned because I was utterly miserable under his rule.. He ended up in jail for beating his girlfriend.
Thank you for your response. It is always helpful and comforting to know you are not alone in your experiences.