Long term relationship with Asperger partner advice

It’s really compassionate of you to see even his harsh behaviour from his POV and understand it may be coming from a place of difficulty. I’m autistic (as yet undiagnosed) and agree with what others have said in that just because your partner is autistic it doesn’t give him an excuse to say hurtful things to you. Of course, most partners get into arguments, so I’m not saying he’s awful, just that it is OK for you to call him out on what he’s said, how it made you feel and what you would prefer to happen in future. Most autistic people do have empathy, sometimes extreme empathy, but possibly your partner has less. Or it may be poor theory of mind - an inability to understand what you are thinking. Communication is vital - when I’m honest about how I’ve taken something my partner has said, and she is too, it often turns out we both interpreted something completely differently. This only works if both people are willing to communicate though, and I’ve been in relationships before where the other person is completely resistant to any serious discussion. I’m not sure if I’ve answered your question in the slightest, but hopefully it has been of some use or interest! 

Hi, that makes such great sense, yes! And thanks for sharing what that doctor said to you, that’s really helpful for me to remember. I hope you’re having a super day. :-)

You are so welcome, my friend! I’m totally sending both of you lots of support across the miles. I am here in Canada. :-)

Hi Elizabeth, Speaking from my perspective with ASC and with chronic depression I agree with the comments that you firstly need to look after yourself. Having a had a close friendship with a doctor she said that as a Doctor she was told that unless she was fit to look after herself she was no real help to others long term! With being on the spectrum I do try to "logically understand emotions" which can be problematic and has lead some some "interesting" discussions (to say the least)! So my suggestion would be to explain you have your own needs and what they are and I would hope you parter would then understand? Certainly I do find it difficult to pick-up emotions and do find it helpful to have them explained, but this may just be me?

Thank you Elizabeth, you are so kind! To be honest I felt a bit emotional after reading it as it was so unbelievably kind. Thank you. Honestly I hadn’t really thought of myself as being a rock for him but it does make sense. 
I will definitely try those strategies that you have advised, however I do feel that with his current mental health it might be a bit too much to start the talks but it is something I will put to him when he is feeling more up to it.

It has been a roller coaster for us so far but I’m hoping that with his diagnosis we will be able to learn some strategies that will help to attain some kind of stability for us both.

Thank you again and I truly appreciate your response. :)

Thank you for your reply Bean! I’m getting better at discussing distress and needs with him and he is being more receptive to it as well. I think where we have gone wrong in the past is that I had been so angry with him because I just thought he was being a jerk haha (this is pre diagnosis) so learning to be calm in our communication for me has been a learning curve but I think we are getting there. 

Hello!

I am dictating this with dictation software so please forgive any mistakes. You sound like a very caring person and it’s amazing that you are so loving and supportive for what sounds like it might’ve been a lengthy period of time. Your partners very fortunate to have you  

As an adult with Asperger syndrome, I want to let you know that you are very likely the absolute centre of your partners world. That being said, He needs to treat you with the same love and care and respect that you would receive from a partner without Asperger syndrome, and I want to tell you that he can probably learn how to that, if he chooses to.

I’m not saying that it will be easy, and it’s very possible he will need assistance from an outside third-party to learn those skills, but in the end, at no point should a partner of someone with Asperger syndrome be treated In a way that is not appropriate and safe and loving. The onus really is on him to learn the skills to treat you and the way you deserve, and deep down I suspect he knows that.

Right now with the holidays and outside resources not being as available, that must be difficult for you. I’m so glad you reached out on this forum so that we can offer you support and validation.

What I would recommend for you at this point, and I say this as someone who’s also been in a relationship with someone with Asperger’s who experienced similar difficulties, as that, if you feel comfortable Doing it, you speak very openly and lovingly but clearly with your partner about how much you love him and one or two very simple and clear things he could do for you right now, that would make this difficult time easier.

It may surprise you to hear that the things you suggest might not have been obvious to him, though they might be obvious to most people. If, for example, you would like to ask him to not say things to you about how you are “not supporting him enough“ that is an absolutely fair request.

Alternatively, or perhaps in addition, you could also ask him to agree that at a certain time each day you will sit down for five or 10 minutes with a cup of tea and each of you will be able to express how you were feeling about your relationship for a few minutes, without the other person interrupting and just listening supportively.

He might find the scheduled, brief nature of this interaction is actually comforting to him, and he could let you know ahead of time if he wanted to, for example, sit on a different couch, hold your hand or not during the conversation, etc. If he’s able to know ahead of time how the conversation would look, And have input  into it, that could help.

I just want to emphasize, again, that you are probably a/the rock and stability and safe place for him in his life. That doesn’t mean there is any pressure on you to accept treatment that is anything less than absolutely respectful and appropriate. However I share that with you just to give you a sense of how motivated he might end up being, to make some simple yet effective changes right now in the short term, to help you both.

The one caveat to this would be that if his depression and or any other situations he is dealing with cloud his thinking, or have completely depleted him of energy, then he simply might not be able to participate in any sort of a process or discussion with you here, For legitimate health reasons. Please be sensitive to that - you sound like a very sensitive person – and take care of yourself in whatever way is necessary, given the circumstances.

I am thinking of you and you just sound like a wonderful person and I’m wishing you all the best in your journey, here.

Signed,

Someone who thinks you are a wonderful

It's important to look after your own feelings as well. Have you communicated that you've found some of the things he's said hurtful and explained why? As an NT person myself, I find that it's unhelpful to try to support my partner without also finding ways for her to meet my needs. If she's done or said something that's caused distress, I sit down calmly and talk it through with her.