Long term relationship with Asperger partner advice

Hello!

I am dictating this with dictation software so please forgive any mistakes. You sound like a very caring person and it’s amazing that you are so loving and supportive for what sounds like it might’ve been a lengthy period of time. Your partners very fortunate to have you  

As an adult with Asperger syndrome, I want to let you know that you are very likely the absolute centre of your partners world. That being said, He needs to treat you with the same love and care and respect that you would receive from a partner without Asperger syndrome, and I want to tell you that he can probably learn how to that, if he chooses to.

I’m not saying that it will be easy, and it’s very possible he will need assistance from an outside third-party to learn those skills, but in the end, at no point should a partner of someone with Asperger syndrome be treated In a way that is not appropriate and safe and loving. The onus really is on him to learn the skills to treat you and the way you deserve, and deep down I suspect he knows that.

Right now with the holidays and outside resources not being as available, that must be difficult for you. I’m so glad you reached out on this forum so that we can offer you support and validation.

What I would recommend for you at this point, and I say this as someone who’s also been in a relationship with someone with Asperger’s who experienced similar difficulties, as that, if you feel comfortable Doing it, you speak very openly and lovingly but clearly with your partner about how much you love him and one or two very simple and clear things he could do for you right now, that would make this difficult time easier.

It may surprise you to hear that the things you suggest might not have been obvious to him, though they might be obvious to most people. If, for example, you would like to ask him to not say things to you about how you are “not supporting him enough“ that is an absolutely fair request.

Alternatively, or perhaps in addition, you could also ask him to agree that at a certain time each day you will sit down for five or 10 minutes with a cup of tea and each of you will be able to express how you were feeling about your relationship for a few minutes, without the other person interrupting and just listening supportively.

He might find the scheduled, brief nature of this interaction is actually comforting to him, and he could let you know ahead of time if he wanted to, for example, sit on a different couch, hold your hand or not during the conversation, etc. If he’s able to know ahead of time how the conversation would look, And have input  into it, that could help.

I just want to emphasize, again, that you are probably a/the rock and stability and safe place for him in his life. That doesn’t mean there is any pressure on you to accept treatment that is anything less than absolutely respectful and appropriate. However I share that with you just to give you a sense of how motivated he might end up being, to make some simple yet effective changes right now in the short term, to help you both.

The one caveat to this would be that if his depression and or any other situations he is dealing with cloud his thinking, or have completely depleted him of energy, then he simply might not be able to participate in any sort of a process or discussion with you here, For legitimate health reasons. Please be sensitive to that - you sound like a very sensitive person – and take care of yourself in whatever way is necessary, given the circumstances.

I am thinking of you and you just sound like a wonderful person and I’m wishing you all the best in your journey, here.

Signed,

Someone who thinks you are a wonderful

Thank you Elizabeth, you are so kind! To be honest I felt a bit emotional after reading it as it was so unbelievably kind. Thank you. Honestly I hadn’t really thought of myself as being a rock for him but it does make sense. 
I will definitely try those strategies that you have advised, however I do feel that with his current mental health it might be a bit too much to start the talks but it is something I will put to him when he is feeling more up to it.

It has been a roller coaster for us so far but I’m hoping that with his diagnosis we will be able to learn some strategies that will help to attain some kind of stability for us both.

Thank you again and I truly appreciate your response. :)

You are so welcome, my friend! I’m totally sending both of you lots of support across the miles. I am here in Canada. :-)

You are so welcome, my friend! I’m totally sending both of you lots of support across the miles. I am here in Canada. :-)