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Long term relationship with Asperger partner advice

NAS70692

Hi all, I’m a NT woman in a long term partnership with my boyfriend who has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers. His diagnosis was a relief as we had a lot of issues in our relationship that caused me to end it a couple of times but we mended fences and got back together. His diagnosis caused me to be able to better understand his lack of empathy and difficulty in communicating. I also suffer from generalised anxiety disorder which meant that I was also over analysing a lot and causing myself a lot of stress over things that his diagnosis helped to explain.

Anyway, recently my partner has started suffering from depression. He is seeking professional help but over the holidays his therapist has understandably closed. He is struggling at the moment and has said some pretty hurtful things to me which I’m trying to understand is all part of his lack of empathy but with my anxiety as well I’m finding it a bit tough. 
does anyone have any advice on ways in which I can better support him through this? 
Thank you in advance.

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  • It’s really compassionate of you to see even his harsh behaviour from his POV and understand it may be coming from a place of difficulty. I’m autistic (as yet undiagnosed) and agree with what others have said in that just because your partner is autistic it doesn’t give him an excuse to say hurtful things to you. Of course, most partners get into arguments, so I’m not saying he’s awful, just that it is OK for you to call him out on what he’s said, how it made you feel and what you would prefer to happen in future. Most autistic people do have empathy, sometimes extreme empathy, but possibly your partner has less. Or it may be poor theory of mind - an inability to understand what you are thinking. Communication is vital - when I’m honest about how I’ve taken something my partner has said, and she is too, it often turns out we both interpreted something completely differently. This only works if both people are willing to communicate though, and I’ve been in relationships before where the other person is completely resistant to any serious discussion. I’m not sure if I’ve answered your question in the slightest, but hopefully it has been of some use or interest! 

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  • It’s really compassionate of you to see even his harsh behaviour from his POV and understand it may be coming from a place of difficulty. I’m autistic (as yet undiagnosed) and agree with what others have said in that just because your partner is autistic it doesn’t give him an excuse to say hurtful things to you. Of course, most partners get into arguments, so I’m not saying he’s awful, just that it is OK for you to call him out on what he’s said, how it made you feel and what you would prefer to happen in future. Most autistic people do have empathy, sometimes extreme empathy, but possibly your partner has less. Or it may be poor theory of mind - an inability to understand what you are thinking. Communication is vital - when I’m honest about how I’ve taken something my partner has said, and she is too, it often turns out we both interpreted something completely differently. This only works if both people are willing to communicate though, and I’ve been in relationships before where the other person is completely resistant to any serious discussion. I’m not sure if I’ve answered your question in the slightest, but hopefully it has been of some use or interest! 

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