High Functioning?

That's a good way of putting it, "so set in acting NT." I'm struggling with that too, and the thing that's helped me most is hanging out with someone on the spectrum in a simialr way to me. I've felt at ease enough with him that a different, more spontaneous, unmasked maybe, version of me emerges. Some of that is translating over into my other interactions. I'm hungry for more, for a full version of me to be present, but at least I've seen a bit of what ideal might look like. I'm trying to be patient and knowit's a journey and i'm going in the right direction.

Hi Peter I just got diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder 15/10/20 still waiting for the report my psychologist said about 3 weeks so 2 to go did you go private for your diagnosis I did.

Hi Peter,

I'm only on preliminary diagnosis but I am also in a job and a relationship (I gave up on a career a long time ago!) Qualified as a biochemist, worked in science for 15 years, broke down, decided I wanted to become a basic level labourer packing internet orders, but still ended up with more responsibility than I could handle!

I'm also in the position of wishing I had the time to sit and process my new 'fit' into the world, but all I can really think is can anything actually change?  I'm so set in acting NT (I'm 43) I don't see how anyone would help me if I asked, they all assume I'm perfectly competent!!

It's an odd mix of relief and despair and I guess everyones journey through it is different, but I do feel rather overwhelmed at the moment too - so I feel for you.

yes, non verbal autism, I consider to be very cruel.  But dont underestimate the fact you are on the spectrum.

@peter , @plastic , @nas69312

Hi all,

I relate to a lot of what's been written here. I had to skim a lot of it first time because it was just to painful a mirror onto my own inner world. I'm recently self diagnosed at fifty, but then quickly discovered I was given a clinical diagnosis of autism as a child.

Yes, i could really do with hand holding, but i'm struggling to get any one i know to relate to this. I'm discovering the world isn't the way I thought it was, nor are people, nor me, nor my role. It feels my pillars of making sense of everything are gone. I'm regularly feeling really vulnerable, which is a new thing for me (so good), but not knowing where to turn. I'm single, nearly always been single, and I could so do with a cuddle right now!

I struggle to reach out well. I tell people, but I don't seem to be able to garner emotional support. As my accupuncturist said I approach it in problem solving mode, appear competent, and merely get people to witness my analysis of the situation, but not my upset. I think I find it hard to access my upset even alone. Sometimes I can curl up in bed alone for 5 minutes or several hours upset, but normally I just shut down, and then later dwell on analysing and problem fixing.

Shutdowns are the biggest impact on me I think. I can never defend myself, I'm left bewildered at what i guess is NT politics, power and status games. I can see how innocent I've been. Mostly it's just been my diligence that has been taken advantage of. Sometimes someone's done a dirty on me and I've just watched it in innocence. I've mostly been able to move on, professionally I've always been in high demand, but it's often taken me ages. The worst was I got bullied for years in a company I'd founded myself by some NT after power and status, perhaps from envy. After four years or so of not knowing how to counter it I left. It was a huge huge loss. It has fortunately led me on to greater things and now founding another organisation that I feel prouder of and is much more robust in our governance and I survived a similar attack intact and they left instead. I'm learning, there's hope!

Coming to terms with all this is hard. I'm realising how profoundly lonely I've been so much of my life. I've had people around me, but something's never connected. I've kept myself busy with big special interest projects and now I wonder why. I'm trying to discern what I do cos it's genuinely good for me, and what I do because I thought that would make me happy but now I realise I've been drawing on the NT recipe book.

It's a painful learning curve, but I know life will be better the otherside.

@nas69312 - I wish everyone Was as supportive as you.

should you feel it appropriate, I’d be grateful to talk further regarding our shared experiences.

especially post diagnosis.

acceptance starts with yourself, it’s sounds like you are in a good way.

all the best in your continuing journey.

helenedione said:

it's a case of getting to know yourself and working out what sort of support would help.

I’m find this really hard, I’ve realised I’ve spent a lifetime copying people, it’s hard to know what’s me and what I’ve just copied. Hobbies, interests that I’ve pursued with passion at one point now I detest, I figured it’s because I thought people would like me more if I did that.

i found that a little heartbreaking. 

I think where I am now, is I’ve been bouncing from trigger moment to trigger moment for years, it’s so hard to take a step back and assess why that moment did that.

im trying.

thanks for your reassurance. And your clear message, lots of good points 

Hi Peter, 

As Plastic says, I'd take your time to see how autism fits with your current understanding of yourself.  The most important thing to remember is that the diagnosis doesn't change who you are, and just because something is an autistic trait doesn't mean you have to have it. 

The same goes for support - it's a case of getting to know yourself and working out what sort of support would help.

What you could do is look at previous things that have made it hard for you to do your job (or other things).  What things could have been different to make it easier?  Now that you have a diagnosis, you can tell your employer and they have to by law put in place reasonable adjustments.  It could be the way that the employer behaves towards you, for example you could ask for notice before they talk to you about important work stuff, or it could be practical support such as removing items that are overwhelming for you to see or hear (as long as they're not needed for you to do the job of course. 

In an ideal world, the above pharagraph would be all that's needed on the subject.  Unfortunately some managements might not know much about autism or be particularly helpful.  I work as a TA with autistic children, and even so I had a boss at one point who just gave me (and the kids) meltdown after meltdown by her insensitive manner.  Her attitude was autistic people need to just adjust to life and learn how not to be so sensitive.

And no, "high functioning" is not "autism lite"!  being articulate and knowledgable, people have a hard time believing you can struggle so much in other areas.  There's a tendancy instead to call you melodramatic and making a mountain out of molehills.  They might also assume you're being rude, whereas someone whos autism is very evident would be given leaway (but perhaps also patronised and automatically excluded from certain aspects of life)

Hello Plastic and @peter 

I had an assessment 4 days ago and been told they are going to recommend me for diagnosis.

It's been quite relieving to read both your experiences.  I sought referral over 2 years ago when I was in a god awful job.  Was made redundant over a year ago, changed careers, was given a chance and now feel like I'm flourishing and the assessment came a little out of the blue.  But reading about you both and thinking of my own journey, a work place and people around you can have an amazing (negative and positive) affect on you.  I'd like to never encounter my previous employer again but my current, is polar opposite!  I now work in a school and we have several ASD children, so I feel like I am understood and accepted so much better!!

I am also high functioning and in a middle management position (run the office) and it's been hard but my head teacher is amazing and really took an amazing chance on me a year ago.

I'm not married or have children, but am very grateful of my career (37year old female).

Please don't feel guilt or anything like that for your diagnosis! Also please don't let a company/employer take away your identity.  I'd never have walked from the job that was killing me so I remain grateful for the redundancy and new lease of life.

I also intend to wear my eventual diagnosis with pride and hope you will too in time.

Lx

You're much more likely to meet undiagnosed aspies in the places I mentioned - you'll instinctively know when you end up chatting for ages about all sorts of unrelated things.

What are your hobbies or interests - even from your childhood?        I do Technical Lego, RC boats, drones & cars, classic cars, plastic modelling, vintage music tech and advanced diy - currently building half a house.

Plastic said:

Are you able to pause and acknowledge how you actually feel in any given situation?      Are you able to stop and feel the excess irrational anxiety over relatively small things?

Eek. I guess humility plays a part, admitting your not ok I’ve realised already Its quite important.

its quite unnerving having someone put things as you have, youre right, it’s terrifying.

i can’t stand how irratic my responses will be to the same thing. 
you know reading your last message is overwhelming. 

im trying to reach out, To a few community Meetup groups, to be honest, I am really struggling with the idea of meeting my ASD Peers, I don’t like it. But I think it be necessary to get me out of my head.

ASDish said:

i wish some could tell me what to feel, post diagnosis it really feels like, you need someone to hold your hand, through all these unknowns.

Are you able to pause and acknowledge how you actually feel in any given situation?      Are you able to stop and feel the excess irrational anxiety over relatively small things?    Those butterflies that won't go away even for trivial things that *shouldn't* bother you?    Those face-to face meetings that make you feel so sick?      Those social events where you wish you weren't there?     Watching people breaking all the rules and getting away with it?      Those useless team members that always get good pay rises because they're mates with the boss?      Having to sort out everyone else's work because they are incompetent and it would damage your reputation?      There are so many things that you will start to realise.

Also, I've noticed that I can spot other aspies from a mile away - they are interesting people with interesting hobbies and obvious capabilities.      They inhabit anywhere where specialist knowledge is needed - museum curators, history buffs, technical hobbies like modelling or radio control stuff & model trains, classic car nuts, falconers etc.     There are nice people to deal with and great to spend time with - so much lower stress..

How to feel about that. (Goes full ostrich and puts head in sand)

I like your points. 

ASDish said:

what weighs on my mind is should I feel happy these are my concerns, rather than some of our friends on here, with significant obstructions to even basic day to say living, should I feel guilty because I’m not as autistic as they are?

You *are* as autistic as they are - it's just you developed 'coping' (faking) strategies that make it appear that you are 'normal' - most of the time.

PS I love your job. And it’s awesome. And it is the best thing since sliced bread.

im a Building Surveyor (measurement not valuation)

I’ve been bullied so much in my life, I sort of miss it now. It’s the frame I look through for most of my interactions.

i did feel upper management might not suit me for the reasons you’ve stated above. I’m trying to keep a handle on things. 

it’s like I said in my OP, what weighs on my mind is should I feel happy these are my concerns, rather than some of our friends on here, with significant obstructions to even basic day to say living, should I feel guilty because I’m not as autistic as they are?

i wish some could tell me what to feel, post diagnosis it really feels like, you need someone to hold your hand, through all these unknowns.

ASDish said:

in the end I stood there shaking in silence

And that's the killer - being so stressed that you end up burning up inside but tongue-tied and unable to express yourself effectively.       No matter how badly you're abused, you can't fight back.    Welcome to Aspergers.

I'm a rocket scientist / nuclear physicist - I've done some unbelievable things.    In a positive environment, I am seen as the best thing since sliced bread.       In a political environment, I'm just an easy target to be abused.      I strive so hard to be perfect and to do the right thing - no matter what the personal cost - but bullies are quick to spot people like me and will take full advantage while manipulating everyone else to make out that I am at fault for all of their ***-ups.

Are you a surveyor by any chance?

my need for diagnosis has come after I got married, when all my destructive Coping mechanism behaviours that got me to the end of a day. Where stopped as my wife quite legitimately didn’t want me to keep her awake till 4am. Every night.

what I found was, all the social anxiety I had inside of me I couldn’t hide anymore, because suddenly I couldn’t drink 3pints to forget how afraid I was.

it came to a critical point last year, when I was placed in a difficult position at work where I had to assess to the competency and capacity of an employee to do the work. It was a nightmare, I had no guidance on the extent of my assessment, and no Remit to where I should stop.

i really tried to do the guy a favour, but he ignored me, so I poured all my anger at his lazy and arrogant behaviour into my report, accurate but skewed by my autism, it wasn’t so objective. I let myself down.

anyway, it came to a head on the roof of a museum when he confronted me, he started insulting me and being totally unfair, I had literally tried everything to help this guy see he was in a delicate position at work. But he started being so unkind, I’ve never been so angry in my life. I remember asking myself, I need to kill myself, But should I kill him first.

in the end I stood there shaking in silence (a massive victory) in the end, I realised when I’m stressed my thoughts drift toward suicide and everything I see become a tool for that. So I saw a counsellor and on my first appt, she said have you considered you might be autistic.

1 year later and £2000 poorer here I am.

Hi Peter

A couple of days is not really enough time to process what all this means to you.      What was your motivation to seek a diagnosis?       What issues are you noticing?    Are you constantly masking like crazy?

Like you, I was married, had a child, good job - a chartered engineer - I had been in management, I was doing very well until I changed job and had a manager that was out of his depth but very good at playing the company politics game - and over the course of a couple of years, his games destroyed me.    The constant bullying and abuse damaged my health - which meant I couldn't get another job.     That, along with the rapidly changing needs of my child meant I couldn't cope any more so my ability to mask reached it's limits and my 'quirks' became too obvious to hide and I was diagnosed as Aspie.

Unfortunately, coming out at work just made things 1000x worse - I got used and abused mercilessly from there onwards but my Aspie need to do the right thing trapped me in a catch 22 situation which eventually burned me out.

I'd be very careful about jumping to any sudden decisions - take time to get to know yourself - it's a lot more complicated than you might think.