High Functioning?

Below is a quote from my ASD assessment report.

The information outlined in this assessment indicates that (me) meets the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – Fifth Edition (DSM-V) criteria for Autism Spectrum Disorder, requiring support for deficits in social communication and requiring support for restricted, repetitive behaviours, without accompanying intellectual impairment and without accompanying language impairment (has fluent speech).

This I’m told is High Functioning ASD —> It’s been two days since my assessment (23/10/2020) 

im married, and hold a job in engineering, I manage a small team, and bring home a steady wage,

But I t hit me today, quite hard, this statement reframes so much of what I had considered normal. Or just the way it is.

now I require support (how much?) 

i don’t know what to feel, I’ve read some heart breaking experiences on here of people truly suffering.

i suppose I’m grateful I lead a relatively independent life.

should I feel lucky, that I’m “just” high functioning? like it’s autism lite. 
it doesn’t feel like a fortunate thing. 

Peter

Parents
  • Hi Peter

    A couple of days is not really enough time to process what all this means to you.      What was your motivation to seek a diagnosis?       What issues are you noticing?    Are you constantly masking like crazy?

    Like you, I was married, had a child, good job - a chartered engineer - I had been in management, I was doing very well until I changed job and had a manager that was out of his depth but very good at playing the company politics game - and over the course of a couple of years, his games destroyed me.    The constant bullying and abuse damaged my health - which meant I couldn't get another job.     That, along with the rapidly changing needs of my child meant I couldn't cope any more so my ability to mask reached it's limits and my 'quirks' became too obvious to hide and I was diagnosed as Aspie.

    Unfortunately, coming out at work just made things 1000x worse - I got used and abused mercilessly from there onwards but my Aspie need to do the right thing trapped me in a catch 22 situation which eventually burned me out.

    I'd be very careful about jumping to any sudden decisions - take time to get to know yourself - it's a lot more complicated than you might think.

  • Are you a surveyor by any chance?

    my need for diagnosis has come after I got married, when all my destructive Coping mechanism behaviours that got me to the end of a day. Where stopped as my wife quite legitimately didn’t want me to keep her awake till 4am. Every night.

    what I found was, all the social anxiety I had inside of me I couldn’t hide anymore, because suddenly I couldn’t drink 3pints to forget how afraid I was.

    it came to a critical point last year, when I was placed in a difficult position at work where I had to assess to the competency and capacity of an employee to do the work. It was a nightmare, I had no guidance on the extent of my assessment, and no Remit to where I should stop.

    i really tried to do the guy a favour, but he ignored me, so I poured all my anger at his lazy and arrogant behaviour into my report, accurate but skewed by my autism, it wasn’t so objective. I let myself down.

    anyway, it came to a head on the roof of a museum when he confronted me, he started insulting me and being totally unfair, I had literally tried everything to help this guy see he was in a delicate position at work. But he started being so unkind, I’ve never been so angry in my life. I remember asking myself, I need to kill myself, But should I kill him first.

    in the end I stood there shaking in silence (a massive victory) in the end, I realised when I’m stressed my thoughts drift toward suicide and everything I see become a tool for that. So I saw a counsellor and on my first appt, she said have you considered you might be autistic.

    1 year later and £2000 poorer here I am.

  • in the end I stood there shaking in silence

    And that's the killer - being so stressed that you end up burning up inside but tongue-tied and unable to express yourself effectively.       No matter how badly you're abused, you can't fight back.    Welcome to Aspergers.

    I'm a rocket scientist / nuclear physicist - I've done some unbelievable things.    In a positive environment, I am seen as the best thing since sliced bread.       In a political environment, I'm just an easy target to be abused.      I strive so hard to be perfect and to do the right thing - no matter what the personal cost - but bullies are quick to spot people like me and will take full advantage while manipulating everyone else to make out that I am at fault for all of their ***-ups.

  • You're much more likely to meet undiagnosed aspies in the places I mentioned - you'll instinctively know when you end up chatting for ages about all sorts of unrelated things.

    What are your hobbies or interests - even from your childhood?        I do Technical Lego, RC boats, drones & cars, classic cars, plastic modelling, vintage music tech and advanced diy - currently building half a house.

  • Are you able to pause and acknowledge how you actually feel in any given situation?      Are you able to stop and feel the excess irrational anxiety over relatively small things?

    Eek. I guess humility plays a part, admitting your not ok I’ve realised already Its quite important.

    its quite unnerving having someone put things as you have, youre right, it’s terrifying.

    i can’t stand how irratic my responses will be to the same thing. 
    you know reading your last message is overwhelming. 

    im trying to reach out, To a few community Meetup groups, to be honest, I am really struggling with the idea of meeting my ASD Peers, I don’t like it. But I think it be necessary to get me out of my head.

  • i wish some could tell me what to feel, post diagnosis it really feels like, you need someone to hold your hand, through all these unknowns.

    Are you able to pause and acknowledge how you actually feel in any given situation?      Are you able to stop and feel the excess irrational anxiety over relatively small things?    Those butterflies that won't go away even for trivial things that *shouldn't* bother you?    Those face-to face meetings that make you feel so sick?      Those social events where you wish you weren't there?     Watching people breaking all the rules and getting away with it?      Those useless team members that always get good pay rises because they're mates with the boss?      Having to sort out everyone else's work because they are incompetent and it would damage your reputation?      There are so many things that you will start to realise.

    Also, I've noticed that I can spot other aspies from a mile away - they are interesting people with interesting hobbies and obvious capabilities.      They inhabit anywhere where specialist knowledge is needed - museum curators, history buffs, technical hobbies like modelling or radio control stuff & model trains, classic car nuts, falconers etc.     There are nice people to deal with and great to spend time with - so much lower stress..

  • How to feel about that. (Goes full ostrich and puts head in sand)

    I like your points. 

  • what weighs on my mind is should I feel happy these are my concerns, rather than some of our friends on here, with significant obstructions to even basic day to say living, should I feel guilty because I’m not as autistic as they are?

    You *are* as autistic as they are - it's just you developed 'coping' (faking) strategies that make it appear that you are 'normal' - most of the time.

  • PS I love your job. And it’s awesome. And it is the best thing since sliced bread.

    im a Building Surveyor (measurement not valuation)

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  • PS I love your job. And it’s awesome. And it is the best thing since sliced bread.

    im a Building Surveyor (measurement not valuation)

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