Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
Not sure how this will go down, I'm very much expecting 'it's an explanation and not an excuse, you need to face the consequences' sort of replies. But here we go.
I am a person in their 30s. I was diagnosed as being autistic last year. Obviously, getting through so much of my life without being diagnosed, I'm been pretty good at masking. Generally thought of as a bit of a weird person but not massively socially awkward in that really classic Aspergers way.
I first went down the route of looking into an autism diagnosis when a woman I slept with said that I made her feel uncomfortable and pressured. I was completely shocked- it's the worst feeling I have ever had in my life. I listened to her, and apologised, obviously, and she forgave me. But the scariest thing for me is that I had no idea. I knew that if I was in the same situation again, I just wouldn't be anymore aware.
A few months later, I had been flirting with someone. Nothing happened other than generally us both being flirting and tactile, but the next day she told me that I was too touchy feely and it made her feel uncomfortable. Unlike the other person, this person wouldn't talk to me again, or discuss the situation any further.
I began to very much worry about my behaviour. I asked some previous people I'd slept with whether I'd ever made them feel uncomfortable. One friend told me of one incident that made her feel uncomfortable, when I had masturbated in front of her. This was about 8 years previous, and I had always thought it was a completely consensual act- we had kissed, she had touched me sexually, and I thought she had implied that I should touch myself. I realised that the reason I jumped to this assumption was because this was something my ex liked me to do, and I realised that I had been judging my behaviour around sex only on how other people had reacted in the past, if that makes sense. I didn't realise you could ask people directly about sexual stuff- I was too embarrassed. I generally assumed that everyone would just say something if they didn't want to do a sexual act, or if they felt uncomfortable, and that everybody's boundaries were more or less the same.
Obviously the autism diagnosis gives me a framework through which to understand my actions, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I have no idea if I've made other people feel uncomfortable in the past, but in all probability I probably have. Obviously after realising that I made people feel uncomfortable, I started asking for very clear consent at all stages of having sex. A number of recent partners have said to me now, especially when I have spoken to them about my past, that they have never felt more sexually comfortable or safe with anyone, and that I'm extremely considerate and they always feel listened to. But it doesn't ease the awful guilt of how I've made people feel in the past.
Now it's got to the point where I can't have sex at all, and therefore can't sustain romantic relationships. I still have a sex drive, but it manifests itself as something full of guilt and horrible feelings, so I refrain from sex due to how terrible it will make me feel (and no-one wants to have sex with someone who will just cry afterwards).
This is also mixed up with feelings that people I have been inappropriate towards in the past are going to try and shame me, or make me lose my work (I work freelance) or be shunned socially, as they either don't know I'm autistic or don't see it as an 'excuse'.
I need to point out that I have never ever knowingly done anything inappropriate towards anyone, have never continued with anything sexual when someone has said they don't want to, or done anything illegal- nothing like that. Just the stuff mentioned above. I was also in a psychologically and sexually abusive relationship for a number of years (ie. i was the one abused), which has obviously made things even worse and confusing for me.
I find it hard to live like this. I can't get any therapy etc as I am on a very low income, on an NHS waiting list for CBT but doubt it will help with this particular issue. I just wondered if other people have been in a situation like this. Or if people think I'm just a bad person, how should I live my life? Should I isolate myself and not be part of any communities? I just don't understand what is expected of me, and how to ease this guilt and live normally again without the threat of someone shaming me or wanting me to suffer. I genuinely had no idea I had ever caused any of the hurt that I've caused. I know that sounds like an excuse, but it really is true. I thought I was normal.
Any help is appreciated
Hi Ash,
I'm a mid-life bisexual woman on the spectrum who grew up unaware (and uninformed) of my neurodiversity. Like piexiefox said previously, I feel like I may have a more informed perspective on this then the male responders on this thread as someone who has thought about it from both sides (NT presuming/ND). As someone who did not grow up with an understanding that I was neurodivergent I always assumed my failings were my fault and so have been very proactive when it comes to understanding and mediating my own behavior in order to get by in the normative world.
First, I’d recommend having conversations with your partner(s) about consent (what both of your boundaries are and what you like) before you are intimate with them. I've struggled with understanding these signals in the moment myself my whole life, but as a female presenting person this has typically been taken as awkwardness instead of shifty intentions. I grew up with two brothers and had mostly male friends in my adolescent and early adult life, so I understand that your concern is coming from a genuine place, and that your emotional life is just as complex as anyone else’s. Unfortunately male presenting people are typically educated into understanding themselves and their role in heteronormative relationships/society as less emotional and more rational and dominating. That version of “male” identity is as constructed & fraught with the problematics of biological determinism/genetic determinism as the conversation around people on the autism spectrum being inherently “disorder”ed instead of our diversity being embraced as one of the many valid representations of the human experience.
For me writing has been a very helpful to organize my thoughts around things that are emotionally overwhelming or confusing in the moment. Perhaps you could propose to future partners a preliminary conversation in which you both express your boundaries and preferences. You could do this in written form or in conversation with a some simple bullet pointed notes for yourself to reference in the moment if you feel you're forgetting or missing something important (this happens to me a lot). I think it's particularly important for you to talk about the ways in which being on the spectrum informs the communication limitations (and increased capacity to connect fully once you get past this first stage, in my experience) you may have once you’re in the moment, so that your partner knows how to communicate in order to have their needs heard and met and how to do the same for you.
It's important to understand that multiple things are happening at once here, and that while your pain and confusion is 100% valid, so are the concerns and reservations of the women you are intimate with. It’s not one or the other. I have my own experiences with sexual manipulation and abuse, but I am also aware that most (not just some) of the NT women in my family and social circle have at least one very real and traumatic experience of sexual assault or abuse. This means that in the moment they may also be unable to communicate their boundaries clearly- trauma scrambles the brain in the moment it is reactivated- and for someone who has experienced sexual trauma there may be some level of disassociation activated every time they engage in sexual activity. Without establishing where you’re coming from before you are in a moment of intimacy you may both end up acting in harmful ways towards each other.
Even if women haven't had these experiences themselves, we are raised in a world that tells us to act as if we're responsible for bringing on the abuse we suffer through the way we present ourselves, while at the same time being told (and being shown very real consequences in professional and social realms) that if we do not meet normative aesthetic and social standards (which require a high level of harmful internalized objectification) we will be targeted as insubordinate and/or problematic and socially ostracized. This is not a theory, it’s a description of my life as I have experienced it, and I know at this point in my life that this experience is the rule, not the exception. I hope that this feeling can resonate across experience and that some of the responders in this thread can hear the abuse they are regurgitating as people who have suffered marginalization themselves. Please consider this intersectional experience of marginalization as a way of being able to find more intimacy (the kind of intimacy you actually want instead of the kind men are told they want- and that is up to you to define) with your partners rather than limiting your options for sexual connection.
There has been a lot of good public discussion around this in recent years, discussions that offer alternative ways of engaging in sexual communication for males who are given little to no information on this under the patriarchal norms of NT society, or who are treated as weak or overly sensitive when they ask questions. But the more you understand about the perspective of the people you’re being intimate with the easier it will be to interpret their needs, boundaries and limitations in the moment. You’re not weak at all, you’re strong for having the gall to ask publicly when the consequences are so apparent. If more men would make themselves vulnerable for the sake of understanding and respecting the experiences of those who have divergent perspectives we would live in a world that was kinder to all of us.
I’m linking a few articles that I think may be of use- no single source that I’ve found addresses your question directly, but together these are a good start.
When You’re On The Autistic Spectrum, Consent Is Complicated
https://theestablishment.co/when-youre-on-the-autistic-spectrum-consent-is-complicated-81b16663a43d/index.html
the Savage Love show (dating, sex and relationship advice from a hetero-divergent perspective- lot’s of conversations about consent, tools for communicating about it, and the different ways people negotiate it)
https://www.savagelovecast.com/
How to talk about consent
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent/how-do-i-talk-about-consent
(this source is very NT biased in terms of advice, haven’t found any that aren’t, but I think it could be helpful to start with this model and use it to think about how writing or other forms of communication could be incorporated or substituted to meet your specific needs)
How trauma functions in the brain
https://labblog.uofmhealth.org/lab-report/a-traumatic-memory-can-be-near-impossible-to-shake
ps:
The most advanced conversations around consent I’ve found come from grassroots queer communities. Tune into more queer culture sources (writers, educators, artists, etc.) for expanded perspectives on sexuality and community care across divergent experiences.
This is a really really good reply