Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't know if this has any links to my autism, or is an off-shoot because of anxiety, or feelings of being lost sometimes. I'm not suicidal; let me make that clear. What I do is think about death, which is quite different to thinking about suicide.
I'm in my fifties, but even at much earlier ages, I've always thought about things like; should I be buried or cremated, or what song should play at my funeral etc. I think about things like this on a daily basis, but definitely when I'm more anxious and not coping. I get very emotional when I hear about death on the news etc. It's just a subject I can't ignore. The prospect of dying scares me. I also have an empathy with musicians who write songs of that generally sad leaning.
When at work, I will look down the stairwell from the top and whilst I repeat I'm not suicidal, I do think about what it would be like to fall.
Just curious if this fits with anyone else. Apologies for raising this, but felt I needed to express my thoughts.
I think this is classic 'loss of control' reasoning. Death is the one big thing that will happen to all of us and we don't have a lot of control over it - it commands us as to when our life is over - and we don't know when or how that might happen. We don't work well with unknowns - it causes stress and anxiety so it becomes an unsolvable problem for us - which will rattle around our brain forever as we try to solve it. Suicidal thoughts give some kind of control over this random event - but it's not healthy to ruminate over it all.
I'm seriously ill - multiple problems that each could end my life suddenly - I am always aware of my body and trying to measure the amount of pain or type of symptoms I'm suffering from day to day to try to measure if I'm on an 'up' or a 'down' path. It's hard because the nasty meds all give horrible side effects too - so the pattern is very complex. I try to make sure all of my projects are in a position where I could probably get them done or pay someone to finish them if things take a turn for the worse. I make sure I don't spend money on frivolous things that cannot be sold after I'm gone. I make sure there's enough money to tidy up after myself if things go downhill fast.
It's the engineer in me that wants to leave a clean slate with minimal hassle for anyone if things change suddenly.
Thinking of you Plastic, sorry you have these challenges. So finite this life of ours but rest assured you've made a difference to lots of people's lives through this forum at least