Published on 12, July, 2020
Aspergers.
It has taken everything from me. My sister, cousins and other peers our living, loving, travelling, succeeding while I've been roting in my bedroom for 10-15 years going absolutely nowhere like a caged animal. I'm not the kind of person to go on a killing spree because it's contempable and there are still people who respect me and I wouldn't want them to spit at the mention of my name but there are many people who I would gladly see burning in hell and if you've had the same kind of experience of aspergers as I have you would understand this completely. Take the powerlessness and rage and add plenty of alcohol and you've got trouble. I've smashed *** up, broken my hand punching a wall, assaulted my family and the police and been arrested four times. That's what my aspergers has driven me to. That doesn't make me some incel killer in the making, in spite of what you might have been lead to think, it is simply humanity.
My only dream is to be a gardener but I know it's impossible. I can't even function at doing nothing. I'm coddled by my parents and claiming ESA/PIPS but so what? I'd only be barely getting by in menial jobs if I didn't have those things. Go ahead and tell me to "get out there", I have plenty of time to do that .We will see soon enough where my limitations lie.
I dream constantly about euthanasia. I would kill myself but I'm not willing to risk half-assing it and just doing permanent damage. They should actually tell people how to do it on that lost all hope website. Assisted suicide should be safe and legal like abortion. That's the socially responsible and compassionate way to go for arguably damned and hoepless people.
Aspergers, may you rot and burn in hell
May your walls fall and may I live to tell
May all the world forget, you ever stood
And may all the world regret you did no good
Aspergers, I hate every inch of you
Thank you Johnny Cash! I rememeber listening to that song the night that I first kicked off drunk and got nicked. Comment on this thread if you feel as I do like wallowing in bitterness and anger because there is f*** all else you can do.
I often have felt - and still feel - exactly like you. I can relate to so, so much of what you've said here...especially the part about suicide and being scared of messing that up and just leaving yourself incapacitated. You're not alone. You WILL get through this. I've been through hell and back with my mental health and although I still struggle with having Asperger's and everything that means (and NTs don't realise how horrific it can be, they just brush it off and think they understand when they don't) there are brighter moments too. I've got some amazing people in my life and have achieved some good things, and I find joy in unexpected places. It sounds cliched but I'm telling the truth. You will be OK, I promise.
best comment, thank you.