Published on 12, July, 2020
Aspergers.
It has taken everything from me. My sister, cousins and other peers our living, loving, travelling, succeeding while I've been roting in my bedroom for 10-15 years going absolutely nowhere like a caged animal. I'm not the kind of person to go on a killing spree because it's contempable and there are still people who respect me and I wouldn't want them to spit at the mention of my name but there are many people who I would gladly see burning in hell and if you've had the same kind of experience of aspergers as I have you would understand this completely. Take the powerlessness and rage and add plenty of alcohol and you've got trouble. I've smashed *** up, broken my hand punching a wall, assaulted my family and the police and been arrested four times. That's what my aspergers has driven me to. That doesn't make me some incel killer in the making, in spite of what you might have been lead to think, it is simply humanity.
My only dream is to be a gardener but I know it's impossible. I can't even function at doing nothing. I'm coddled by my parents and claiming ESA/PIPS but so what? I'd only be barely getting by in menial jobs if I didn't have those things. Go ahead and tell me to "get out there", I have plenty of time to do that .We will see soon enough where my limitations lie.
I dream constantly about euthanasia. I would kill myself but I'm not willing to risk half-assing it and just doing permanent damage. They should actually tell people how to do it on that lost all hope website. Assisted suicide should be safe and legal like abortion. That's the socially responsible and compassionate way to go for arguably damned and hoepless people.
Aspergers, may you rot and burn in hell
May your walls fall and may I live to tell
May all the world forget, you ever stood
And may all the world regret you did no good
Aspergers, I hate every inch of you
Thank you Johnny Cash! I rememeber listening to that song the night that I first kicked off drunk and got nicked. Comment on this thread if you feel as I do like wallowing in bitterness and anger because there is f*** all else you can do.
They aren't. Don't rely on them.
If the Gods are listening I would like a word with them. They have let too many people suffer.
best comment, thank you.
I often have felt - and still feel - exactly like you. I can relate to so, so much of what you've said here...especially the part about suicide and being scared of messing that up and just leaving yourself incapacitated. You're not alone. You WILL get through this. I've been through hell and back with my mental health and although I still struggle with having Asperger's and everything that means (and NTs don't realise how horrific it can be, they just brush it off and think they understand when they don't) there are brighter moments too. I've got some amazing people in my life and have achieved some good things, and I find joy in unexpected places. It sounds cliched but I'm telling the truth. You will be OK, I promise.
Going down the pub is too important to me. I have friends down there that I can't really see anywhere else and I love the pool table. Boxing is so out of the question I don't even know where to begin. Appreciate the feeback though!
Oh i see. Fair enough. Religious man i take it?
in a fight situation, it means, if you respond emotionally your enemies will be able to provoke you into a wrong move and take advantage of that mistake. Boxing also teaches the same thing.
it is clear to me you must never drink again. But you have to convince yourself of this otherwise you will never stop. Not easy when bored but alcohol releases emotions in big swings that cause issues for all humans.
I stopped and things improved in my head big time.
I so wish I could meet u face to face there is so much u could be doing.
bottom line here is that you have done nothing wrong its not your fault you an aspie.
so take a look in the mirror and laugh at yourself, point and laugh.
what type of gardener do u mean ? designer, maintainer, labourer, employed say in a national park, growing plants in greenhouses
i spent 90% of my time cutting things with machinery ( dont really enjoy it ) --- I find planting trees a pleasure.
oh tree surgeons make good money.
last suggestion is to join a boxing club train and get into sparring to release all that anger
,
Life isn't predetermined? I strongly disagree.
Having hope is crucial to being alive. And it's rational to have hope since life isn't predetermined.
Nice, Bruce Lee, big fan, not sure what the relevance is.
We all have potential but with aspergers you will never have a chance to use it. Samaritans? Just some bunch of no nothing do gooders aren't they? I'm already getting help and it's not working.
Please call Samaritans.
I'm in the same boat, too. Having seen the Joker film last October, I can see precisely how that film reflects the 'New Normal' sound-byte.
I hid from life, at the time I was meant to discover the World. It turned me from a Potential Elon Musk to a Real-Life Ian Beale.
Thanks for the reply. I saw your thread in the health and wellbeing forum. If you want to speak to somone who f***ing hates aspergers and has suffered and lost horribly because of it, I'm your man. Tell me anything. Ask me anything. It's for my benefit as much as yours.
I'm also at home all the time as well which isn't good for my mental health really. It sucks but what can you do? I just sit waiting for things to change. Love Johnny Cash by the way!
Thanks for reading and responding to my rant. It helps to be listened to and understood.
Hope is wasted on the hopeless. Hope to me is an eternal liar that will trick me again and again until I finally reach the grave that had it not been for hope, I would have gladly arrived at 60 years of suffering ago. My life is in a very real sense, a prison and my escape plans are what keep me going. As I've said, my dream is being a gardner. I'd be employed at some place or other and maintining it's beauty would be my entire life. The beauty of nature would restore my soul and redeem me of all that I've lost. As for a girlfriend, I'm so disgruntled with the whole business that I'd like to never concern myself with it ever again if that were possible (not likely admittedly). I'd just have a dog and some cats.
but it's all bullshit folks. Hahaha!
I understand. Spend all my time alone and live at home on ESA/PIP. Recently i switched back on fb and although it can be chaotic and mess with your head, i've started to make friends again and that's given me a little bit of hope. Sometimes a little bit of hope can help you go on.