Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello I’m new here. I’m here because I strongly suspect my partner is autistic. He has a chromosome deletion which has a high prevalence of people with ASD (my son was diagnosed with this so we both had to be tested). Without the deletion however, I would strongly suspect it anyway. I’ll run through briefly what his behaviour can be like. He cannot cope with big life events/ change eg moving, the weeks after our children were born. He frequently gets into terrible moods and ignores me. When I confront him he refuses to talk about it. And gets angry if I try to insist. He never asks me how I am when it seems really obvious that he should eg feeling unwell, receiving bad news, worrying about something. He always has to be right, he cannot take criticism, he hates being asked to do things. He cannot get up in the morning for work by himself. I have to wake him several times. If I get cross at him for not getting up he gets angry with me. He hates socialising and prefers his own company. He shows no empathy for others. He is a very good father, very loving and patient though quite old fashioned sometimes. He has a very good job as an engineer and to friends and family he seems sociable, happy and friendly. At home he is a different person. I am at my wits end. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells all the time. Hoping he will be in a good mood only to say the wrong thing and him be in a bad mood. Does this sound like autistic behaviour? I honestly try to put myself in his shoes. I try to think about how he sees the world differently but sometimes it just feels too much. I’m so lonely and I don’t know what to do.
Like others have said your description is representative of autistic and non-autistic men. I am married to an autistic engineer. He's nothing like your husband, however, I wouldn't put up with your husband's behaviour. I certainly wouldn't get him up in the morning like I was his mother. if he was like this I'd have very little respect for him as a man.
If your husband is calm outside the house and then angry when he's with you, it comes across as though then he knows how to control his anger but doesn't feel the need to when communicating with you. Is this a lack of respect for you? Taught behaviour from his parent's relationship etc?
On the other hand, I do think you also struggle with communicating. Getting upset with someone because they didn't behave in a way that you wanted them to but hadn't communicated is bonkers. Your husband isn't a mind reader and is a different person, with different expectations. If you want him to do something communicate this.
If you're lonely and unhappy why are you with him? Is this the right relationship for you at this time?
You have control over you do and do not have in your life.