Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello I’m new here. I’m here because I strongly suspect my partner is autistic. He has a chromosome deletion which has a high prevalence of people with ASD (my son was diagnosed with this so we both had to be tested). Without the deletion however, I would strongly suspect it anyway. I’ll run through briefly what his behaviour can be like. He cannot cope with big life events/ change eg moving, the weeks after our children were born. He frequently gets into terrible moods and ignores me. When I confront him he refuses to talk about it. And gets angry if I try to insist. He never asks me how I am when it seems really obvious that he should eg feeling unwell, receiving bad news, worrying about something. He always has to be right, he cannot take criticism, he hates being asked to do things. He cannot get up in the morning for work by himself. I have to wake him several times. If I get cross at him for not getting up he gets angry with me. He hates socialising and prefers his own company. He shows no empathy for others. He is a very good father, very loving and patient though quite old fashioned sometimes. He has a very good job as an engineer and to friends and family he seems sociable, happy and friendly. At home he is a different person. I am at my wits end. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells all the time. Hoping he will be in a good mood only to say the wrong thing and him be in a bad mood. Does this sound like autistic behaviour? I honestly try to put myself in his shoes. I try to think about how he sees the world differently but sometimes it just feels too much. I’m so lonely and I don’t know what to do.
It definitely sounds like he is autistic to me. I am in a very similar situation though I am in a relationship but not married to him. I understand exactly how you feel, my partner can be thoughtless, show no empathy, get angry very easily and not talk for days. I am new on here an going to join in on a zoom meeting tonight for partners of autistic people, you may also benefit from it. I know what you mean when you say walking on egg shells as that is a term I have also used today. I have asked my partner to go to go see his GP and get properly diagnosed then he could have therapy which is not a cure but can help, also the two of you could go for therapy together but with someone who is experienced in autism, that is the path I am hoping to take though currently he isn't talking to me.
Like others have said your description is representative of autistic and non-autistic men. I am married to an autistic engineer. He's nothing like your husband, however, I wouldn't put up with your husband's behaviour. I certainly wouldn't get him up in the morning like I was his mother. if he was like this I'd have very little respect for him as a man.
If your husband is calm outside the house and then angry when he's with you, it comes across as though then he knows how to control his anger but doesn't feel the need to when communicating with you. Is this a lack of respect for you? Taught behaviour from his parent's relationship etc?
On the other hand, I do think you also struggle with communicating. Getting upset with someone because they didn't behave in a way that you wanted them to but hadn't communicated is bonkers. Your husband isn't a mind reader and is a different person, with different expectations. If you want him to do something communicate this.
If you're lonely and unhappy why are you with him? Is this the right relationship for you at this time?
You have control over you do and do not have in your life.
I think the illness is causing him to be stressed. Its not good to take anger out on each other, but we should always be honest and open and show true feelings always. Only then can truly be helpful.
I hope writing this out has helped a bit to begin with. It sounds like you've been going through a lot over a period of time and it's good to share that.
The question I have is what attracted you to him?
This isn't an unkind question, it's to genuinely ask, what were all those good points you saw/see in him?
If he's very good socially outside of the home, possibly he's all drained out when he is home. This is one of the frustrating things about society for people with ASD (as well as for some people without ASD who have similar struggles); there's a lot of effort going in to fitting in with society and so, in our personal space, some of us need to balance that out with alone time or in other ways that might make us seem more distant/less aware.
It's hard for even a psychologist to state if someone has autism from a post, so unfortunately the answer here is: yes, people with autism can be like this but so can people without autism too.
I'm sorry things are feeling so tough on you.
If you were to find out if he was or was not autistic, what would the next step be? Is it that you want to understand him better? And therefore find ways to work with him and also make things easier on yourself as well? (which sounds pretty healthy to me)
Best wishes