Gender

Very glad to hear you've got an appointment.  Be a brave girl, two days (probably one day by the time you read this) isn't much compared to how long it's already been.  Try and keep busy, as far as you've mentioned there isn't anything more you can usefully do until you see the therapist (other than possibly note down things you want to say to them if you happen to think of any) so you can just curl up with a nice book or whatever does it for you and try to ignore the whole question as much of the time as you can until then.  Not easy, I know.

Thought - if your family say "why can't you just be happy with being a boy", then why can't they just be happy with you being a girl?  :-)  Maybe they don't believe that (maybe they'll get there in the end), but I hope you do.

Thanks for the links chloe.

I just feel so depressed and like there's no way out of feeling this way. I've felt like it for so long and I just feel terrible with each day now, always so many dark and terrible thoughts attacking my mind day and night. I'm tired and I'm stressed, feeling depressed all the time. I have an appointment with a therapist who's coming to see me on Saturday. I just hope I can be strong enough until then. I just keep crying and feeling terrible mentally. I don't know who I am and I feel as if no one likes or loves me or ever will love me. I'll check the links, thanks <3

Hi @Rainbow, 

I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay. 

If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support.

If it’s outside your GP hours call  111  to reach the NHS 111 service:   http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/Emergencyandurgentcareservices/Pages/NHS-111.aspx 

The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org.

MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful. 

If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support.

If you need help with an autism related issue, our helpline can be emailed via webform https://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main/questions.aspx or they’re open Monday to Thursday 10am-4pm and Friday 9am-3pm on 0808 800 4104.

ChloeMod.

I'm also trans, though a non-binary gender. There's nothing wrong with being trans and there are many people who are completely accepting of us. Though it's difficult having to deal with people saying hateful things about trans people, especially from people close to you. My family weren't particularly progressive when it comes to trans, but slowly my parents and most of my siblings have come round to it.

It might be helpful to speak to your GP about your depression, if you haven't already. And might be helpful to ask your GP to refer you to a gender clinic as well. Talking to a gender therapist might help with understanding your gender dysphoria and deciding whether to transition. And if you think you might ever want hormones or surgeries in the future it's helpful to get yourself in the system as the waiting lists can be long depending on what region you're in.

In terms of dealing with gender dysphoria, some trans people find coming out and socially transitioning (clothing, hairstyle, name, pronouns, etc.) helps to deal with it. These can be done gradually if you are unsure about it, or unsure how family or others will react. Though it's a difficult decision to make, and some trans people wait until after speaking to a gender therapist.

It doesn't matter whether you're transgender, gay or bi or whatever! It's not your problem if others don't understand or agree with it. I'm Autistic and bisexual and a lot of people I know don't like it, well that's their problem. You are what you are and nothing is going to change that. Ignore the haters.

The best thing you can do is see your doctor as soon as possible to get the help you need. You’re experiencing so many emotions that it’s simply confusing you in to a muddle. Don’t worry about the future of whether or not you’re a man or a woman. It doesn’t matter right now. All that matters is that you see a professional and get help asap. Feeling the way you do is not a good way of living life, so go and see someone who can give you the help you need as you won’t get that anywhere online. Wishing you all the best for this.

I wasn’t sure about replying to this but I’ve read the OPs post and the replies and I feel I should share some of my own experiences of this as it really is very personal and complex situation to be in. Very few on the outside truly understand what it’s like to be a transgender person because, well how could you? Me mum always used to say – never judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, and that’s a true saying. You don’t know what it’s like to have cancer until you’ve had it and you don’t know what it’s like to be trans until you are trans.

My name is Triniti, my friends call me T. When I started out in life I was also considered a transgender. I’ve read before that a lot of people say a child can’t know that they want to be of the opposite sex and that they’re too young to understand that, but that is not true. I am a proven point of that. I’ve never shared this with my online friends before so hopefully this won’t cost me any friends. But from early on as I can remember I never felt right as the person I was. I didn’t like boys or anything to do with them, their clothing, style and toys made me feel horrible especially when me parents kept buying them for me. Even at a very young age I felt that way. When I started school I spent all my time around the girls and tried to participate in their fun and games. No one seemed bothered by that. Then came secondary school. One word described my time there – hell! – I still spent the majority of time with the girls, participating in girl talk, it felt natural, right, for me to be with them and talking about girl stuff. Unfortunately that led to harassment and bullying from a lot of my classmates. A lot of people called me a freak, gay and other unkind and hurtful things. But I remained strong and kept the belief that I was in the right and not the wrong. As I went through my teens I started to grow out my hair, grew my nails longer and started avoiding my reflection as it made me feel depressed every time I saw it. I had two best friends, Clara Dingle and Bethany Whittle, they were and still are the best of friends and I speak to them most days. During school they were my rocks and gave me so much support at all the times I needed it. When I went over their houses on weekends and after school they let me try on their clothes, I never felt wrong for that and I never felt ashamed. The instant I tried on female clothing it felt so right how could it ever be wrong? I looked at my reflection, the clothing looked great but the person in the clothes wasn’t the real me. I knew how I should look, long hair, softer features... I confided in my best friends, told them how I felt, half expecting them to laugh and tell me how stupid I was being. But they didn’t. They supported me, hugged me and said that they thought the same. They told me they saw me as a girl. When I said I intended to have surgery one day they were overjoyed for me and said they thought it was for the best.

Telling me parents was probably the hardest thing I’d ever done. They couldn’t believe it and were the first people to give me the I don’t understand how anyone could feel or think like this speech and reaction. But I was convinced that this was the real me and I knew what I needed to do. I went to my spotlessly tidy and clean room. I always kept everything so organised, one thing out of place and it would be straightened immediately. I went to see the family therapist soon after telling my parents. She was a nice lady, caring, thoughtful and never put any pressure on me. I’d already been diagnosed with autism early on because of my organising things and also because I used to walk peculiarly and didn’t speak to anyone when I was young, even me parents. My therapist helped me along the difficult journey, the start of it at least, she asked me questions about myself and then there was the crucial question, would I have the gender reassignment surgery? I answered yes immediately because I knew it was the thing, the magic cure that would make me who I was. Mentally I was already her, Triniti, but physically me appearance let me down and that had to change. I could afford to go private and have the surgery there and then but before that I had to convince my therapist and everyone else that I was serious which meant appearing and living as a woman for a few years before they would do the surgery. I went on to meds which would soften my features and grow a proper female chest and shrink the you know what... This was had. Me parents adjusted and offered me support and love. My best friends never judged me and often we went to funfairs, out for food and drink and to the beach during the winter to avoid crowds as I hated crowded places.

Over the two years I changed in several ways. Thanks to a voice coach within a year and a half my manly voice was gone and in its place was a sweet soft woman’s voice. The voice of Triniti, my true voice. Working was hard. My colleagues were less than understanding, sneering and whispering about me. Again they didn’t understand and thought me a joke and something funny. But they truly didn’t understand how it felt to be a woman but appear as a man, to feel sick and like killing yourself every time you saw your reflection or dwelled on the fact that you had the wrong parts. After a very nasty colleague called me out at work once I did try to kill myself. Her words hit me like a knife and I was worried and scared I’d never fit in or that for some reason I wouldn’t be able to have the operation to make myself look how I should. I regret doing that. It was a selfish act and if I could I’d reverse the clock and not attempt to take my life...

Finally the surgery came. I had it, as well as facial reconstruction surgery to give my face the proper feminine shape and style. And from that day on I was me. No more depression, no more anxiety about how I looked. And I’ve never had any regrets. I go to the shops, no one looks at me judgingly. No one sneers or laughs at me. They see Triniti and that’s exactly what I wanted, to be able to be me and live a happy life. Since then I have also done adoption and now have a daughter and I’m currently dating a nice man who I hopefully will be married to next summer. Life is good, no, it’s amazing! It’s everything I wanted and I couldn’t be happier with myself and with how things have turned out. All the people that said I was wrong and should have stayed as I was were entitled to their opinions but I believe they were wrong. If I’d stayed as I was I would still be miserable and depressed. I knew who I was and what I wanted and I made it all happen. It was tough but I did it and I’m so glad I did.

My health isn’t in great shapes at the moment which isn’t related to the operations I had. When I was 7 I had cancer and I’m pretty sure it’s back again which is why I am seeing specialist come August for treatment again. If it’s fatal I can at least be glad that I’ve enjoyed the last six years as the woman I knew I was and that I’ve achieved so much, I made my dreams come true, I became Triniti, I am a mum now and hopefully, I’ll be a married woman next year.

But no matter what, know this, you are never alone ever. So many people feel the way you do and that’s ok. After all this world has gone through people should be more understanding and accepting, one day they will be, until then we have to be strong and pursue what we want and make that happen. Life is too short to live it miserably. Make every second count. Enjoy your life.

OP, see your doctor, the doctor will refer you to the gender clinic and a gender therapist. They will help you through this and to choose whether or not you really do want to be of the opposite gender. There’s no shame in feeling this way. If you ever need to talk about how you’re feeling then post here or send me a pm.

T.

Rainbow said:

terrible depression

Rainbow said:

I feel so alone and suicidal

Rainbow said:

feel miserable and hate myself

I can't and shouldn't guess how much of that is gender dysphoria, and how much from other things like an oppressive environment or isolation, but the depression is something you should look at in any case. Have you had any general counselling or CBT? The GP is the best starting point both for depression (general dysphoria) and gender dysphoria.

I have trans friends and trans autistic friends, and while they are happier after transitioning, it's a long way from solving all their problems. I just happened to be watching a rather good lecture by Tony Attwood and he injects a note of caution about reasons for wanting to change to a different gender (30 mins in):

I can mostly relate to what you have said.

Although I do not know exactly when I first knew I had gender dysphoria, it was when I was at school.  My first memory of it though was of me already knowing my body was wrong without any question or doubt about it.  Unfortunately because this was in the 1980s so I did not know this was something which happened to other people or that anything could be done about it.  And because of the way my autism affects my social imagination I find it difficult to think into the future, so even when I was aware of transgender people and being able to transition I did not realize that was an option for me.  So there was never any reason for me to tell anyone as I did not think anything could be done about it.

After a long time of trying I got to see an autism specialist for a short amount of time in 2017.  And because I wanted to make it work I told them about my dysphoria, the first time I told anyone, just so I could be explain more precisely how I was feeling.  However in doing so it made me realize that transitioning was an option for me, and even though it now feels too late it would still be better than continuing to struggle to cope.  So I immediately asked my G.P. to refer me to a gender clinic, which they did but because of the waiting list I only had my first appointment in February.  Unfortunately the way the N.H.S. works they do not do help immediately and make you wait another year for a second appointment.

I never knew how my family would react.  Until the gender clinic appointment though I did not want to tell them in case they said they would not help me.  Change to how people see and react to me is something I find very difficult, so I did not want to put myself in that position for nothing.  My mam died last summer so I never got to tell her, and I wanted to tell mum sister in person just before the lockdown, but she would not let me visit.  So I sent her a letter and talked about if after online and she said she was okay with it, and so would be my niece and nephew.  That was also the first time I told anyone else what my name was.

My dad had a stoke last year, so before the lockdown I used to visit him every few weeks.  I do not know how he will react or even how to tell him.  I told my sister first so she could help me with that.  He has never said anything about transgender issues in general as far as I have heard, but he is not homophobic so I do not think he would react badly in that way.  The problem is more likely him not understanding it.

The big problem for me right now is that I have physical problems so have had to shield, which means I have not been outside and not seen anyone since the middle of March.  I now feel very anxious and afraid of going outside and people seeing me in the wrong body.  I always suffered anxiety because of that, but I think the timing of telling my sister about me has made it worse.  I needed to tell her as it was making me anxious but doing that meant I could think of myself more properly in my real identity.  But not having had to deal with anyone else I lost the ability to keep pretending to be the wrong identity.

Although some people do hate transgender people, that does not bother me as having to pretend to be someone else is worse.  I can never be the person who other people see and I have done that all my life.  So if I do not transition I will never be happy, but if I do then maybe I can even if some people will abuse me because of it.  I have also always been suicidal and attempted it before, that is why I am not trying now as I need a way that I can guarantee will be successful as I do not want to be hospitalized.  And I cannot do anything that will hurt anyone else.  It is especially bad at the moment though because if the anxiety I have about ending isolation.  But also because I am still not sure that gender clinic will help me.  They said in the assessment that they think transitioning will be good for me, but they need people to live in their chosen gender before helping them to do that.  Which is obviously impossible to do with the help.  And unfortunately I cannot afford to go private where they do not have those requirements.

But other than our family's being different, I also do not relate to you saying you feel alive inside.  Because my autism was not diagnosed as a child I never got any help growing up so have social phobia and difficulty knowing how to relate to people to be able to easily make friends and maintain relationships.  When I came out about my dysphoria it made me realize how much of an effect it too had on me.  That all my social contact includes me feeling like I am lying because I am not what people see when they look at my body, and that anxiety will also have made me socially phobic too.  Because I have been told there is no N.H.S. help for adults with autism I am left hoping that transitioning alone will make things easier for me.  So maybe then I can be happy and form relationships.  But I have no basis for optimism, so it is just pragmatic blind hope.

I would recommend you talk to a G.P. and try to get referred to a gender clinic.  There would be no commitment to transition if you really do not want to, but they will be able to help you understand yourself and how to deal with your family.  But it will take several years before you can see anyone, so if you do want to transition it will be better to get on the queue now, unless you can afford private treatment.