Gender

I wasn’t sure about replying to this but I’ve read the OPs post and the replies and I feel I should share some of my own experiences of this as it really is very personal and complex situation to be in. Very few on the outside truly understand what it’s like to be a transgender person because, well how could you? Me mum always used to say – never judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, and that’s a true saying. You don’t know what it’s like to have cancer until you’ve had it and you don’t know what it’s like to be trans until you are trans.

My name is Triniti, my friends call me T. When I started out in life I was also considered a transgender. I’ve read before that a lot of people say a child can’t know that they want to be of the opposite sex and that they’re too young to understand that, but that is not true. I am a proven point of that. I’ve never shared this with my online friends before so hopefully this won’t cost me any friends. But from early on as I can remember I never felt right as the person I was. I didn’t like boys or anything to do with them, their clothing, style and toys made me feel horrible especially when me parents kept buying them for me. Even at a very young age I felt that way. When I started school I spent all my time around the girls and tried to participate in their fun and games. No one seemed bothered by that. Then came secondary school. One word described my time there – hell! – I still spent the majority of time with the girls, participating in girl talk, it felt natural, right, for me to be with them and talking about girl stuff. Unfortunately that led to harassment and bullying from a lot of my classmates. A lot of people called me a freak, gay and other unkind and hurtful things. But I remained strong and kept the belief that I was in the right and not the wrong. As I went through my teens I started to grow out my hair, grew my nails longer and started avoiding my reflection as it made me feel depressed every time I saw it. I had two best friends, Clara Dingle and Bethany Whittle, they were and still are the best of friends and I speak to them most days. During school they were my rocks and gave me so much support at all the times I needed it. When I went over their houses on weekends and after school they let me try on their clothes, I never felt wrong for that and I never felt ashamed. The instant I tried on female clothing it felt so right how could it ever be wrong? I looked at my reflection, the clothing looked great but the person in the clothes wasn’t the real me. I knew how I should look, long hair, softer features... I confided in my best friends, told them how I felt, half expecting them to laugh and tell me how stupid I was being. But they didn’t. They supported me, hugged me and said that they thought the same. They told me they saw me as a girl. When I said I intended to have surgery one day they were overjoyed for me and said they thought it was for the best.

Telling me parents was probably the hardest thing I’d ever done. They couldn’t believe it and were the first people to give me the I don’t understand how anyone could feel or think like this speech and reaction. But I was convinced that this was the real me and I knew what I needed to do. I went to my spotlessly tidy and clean room. I always kept everything so organised, one thing out of place and it would be straightened immediately. I went to see the family therapist soon after telling my parents. She was a nice lady, caring, thoughtful and never put any pressure on me. I’d already been diagnosed with autism early on because of my organising things and also because I used to walk peculiarly and didn’t speak to anyone when I was young, even me parents. My therapist helped me along the difficult journey, the start of it at least, she asked me questions about myself and then there was the crucial question, would I have the gender reassignment surgery? I answered yes immediately because I knew it was the thing, the magic cure that would make me who I was. Mentally I was already her, Triniti, but physically me appearance let me down and that had to change. I could afford to go private and have the surgery there and then but before that I had to convince my therapist and everyone else that I was serious which meant appearing and living as a woman for a few years before they would do the surgery. I went on to meds which would soften my features and grow a proper female chest and shrink the you know what... This was had. Me parents adjusted and offered me support and love. My best friends never judged me and often we went to funfairs, out for food and drink and to the beach during the winter to avoid crowds as I hated crowded places.

Over the two years I changed in several ways. Thanks to a voice coach within a year and a half my manly voice was gone and in its place was a sweet soft woman’s voice. The voice of Triniti, my true voice. Working was hard. My colleagues were less than understanding, sneering and whispering about me. Again they didn’t understand and thought me a joke and something funny. But they truly didn’t understand how it felt to be a woman but appear as a man, to feel sick and like killing yourself every time you saw your reflection or dwelled on the fact that you had the wrong parts. After a very nasty colleague called me out at work once I did try to kill myself. Her words hit me like a knife and I was worried and scared I’d never fit in or that for some reason I wouldn’t be able to have the operation to make myself look how I should. I regret doing that. It was a selfish act and if I could I’d reverse the clock and not attempt to take my life...

Finally the surgery came. I had it, as well as facial reconstruction surgery to give my face the proper feminine shape and style. And from that day on I was me. No more depression, no more anxiety about how I looked. And I’ve never had any regrets. I go to the shops, no one looks at me judgingly. No one sneers or laughs at me. They see Triniti and that’s exactly what I wanted, to be able to be me and live a happy life. Since then I have also done adoption and now have a daughter and I’m currently dating a nice man who I hopefully will be married to next summer. Life is good, no, it’s amazing! It’s everything I wanted and I couldn’t be happier with myself and with how things have turned out. All the people that said I was wrong and should have stayed as I was were entitled to their opinions but I believe they were wrong. If I’d stayed as I was I would still be miserable and depressed. I knew who I was and what I wanted and I made it all happen. It was tough but I did it and I’m so glad I did.

My health isn’t in great shapes at the moment which isn’t related to the operations I had. When I was 7 I had cancer and I’m pretty sure it’s back again which is why I am seeing specialist come August for treatment again. If it’s fatal I can at least be glad that I’ve enjoyed the last six years as the woman I knew I was and that I’ve achieved so much, I made my dreams come true, I became Triniti, I am a mum now and hopefully, I’ll be a married woman next year.

But no matter what, know this, you are never alone ever. So many people feel the way you do and that’s ok. After all this world has gone through people should be more understanding and accepting, one day they will be, until then we have to be strong and pursue what we want and make that happen. Life is too short to live it miserably. Make every second count. Enjoy your life.

OP, see your doctor, the doctor will refer you to the gender clinic and a gender therapist. They will help you through this and to choose whether or not you really do want to be of the opposite gender. There’s no shame in feeling this way. If you ever need to talk about how you’re feeling then post here or send me a pm.

T.

I wasn’t sure about replying to this but I’ve read the OPs post and the replies and I feel I should share some of my own experiences of this as it really is very personal and complex situation to be in. Very few on the outside truly understand what it’s like to be a transgender person because, well how could you? Me mum always used to say – never judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, and that’s a true saying. You don’t know what it’s like to have cancer until you’ve had it and you don’t know what it’s like to be trans until you are trans.

My name is Triniti, my friends call me T. When I started out in life I was also considered a transgender. I’ve read before that a lot of people say a child can’t know that they want to be of the opposite sex and that they’re too young to understand that, but that is not true. I am a proven point of that. I’ve never shared this with my online friends before so hopefully this won’t cost me any friends. But from early on as I can remember I never felt right as the person I was. I didn’t like boys or anything to do with them, their clothing, style and toys made me feel horrible especially when me parents kept buying them for me. Even at a very young age I felt that way. When I started school I spent all my time around the girls and tried to participate in their fun and games. No one seemed bothered by that. Then came secondary school. One word described my time there – hell! – I still spent the majority of time with the girls, participating in girl talk, it felt natural, right, for me to be with them and talking about girl stuff. Unfortunately that led to harassment and bullying from a lot of my classmates. A lot of people called me a freak, gay and other unkind and hurtful things. But I remained strong and kept the belief that I was in the right and not the wrong. As I went through my teens I started to grow out my hair, grew my nails longer and started avoiding my reflection as it made me feel depressed every time I saw it. I had two best friends, Clara Dingle and Bethany Whittle, they were and still are the best of friends and I speak to them most days. During school they were my rocks and gave me so much support at all the times I needed it. When I went over their houses on weekends and after school they let me try on their clothes, I never felt wrong for that and I never felt ashamed. The instant I tried on female clothing it felt so right how could it ever be wrong? I looked at my reflection, the clothing looked great but the person in the clothes wasn’t the real me. I knew how I should look, long hair, softer features... I confided in my best friends, told them how I felt, half expecting them to laugh and tell me how stupid I was being. But they didn’t. They supported me, hugged me and said that they thought the same. They told me they saw me as a girl. When I said I intended to have surgery one day they were overjoyed for me and said they thought it was for the best.

Telling me parents was probably the hardest thing I’d ever done. They couldn’t believe it and were the first people to give me the I don’t understand how anyone could feel or think like this speech and reaction. But I was convinced that this was the real me and I knew what I needed to do. I went to my spotlessly tidy and clean room. I always kept everything so organised, one thing out of place and it would be straightened immediately. I went to see the family therapist soon after telling my parents. She was a nice lady, caring, thoughtful and never put any pressure on me. I’d already been diagnosed with autism early on because of my organising things and also because I used to walk peculiarly and didn’t speak to anyone when I was young, even me parents. My therapist helped me along the difficult journey, the start of it at least, she asked me questions about myself and then there was the crucial question, would I have the gender reassignment surgery? I answered yes immediately because I knew it was the thing, the magic cure that would make me who I was. Mentally I was already her, Triniti, but physically me appearance let me down and that had to change. I could afford to go private and have the surgery there and then but before that I had to convince my therapist and everyone else that I was serious which meant appearing and living as a woman for a few years before they would do the surgery. I went on to meds which would soften my features and grow a proper female chest and shrink the you know what... This was had. Me parents adjusted and offered me support and love. My best friends never judged me and often we went to funfairs, out for food and drink and to the beach during the winter to avoid crowds as I hated crowded places.

Over the two years I changed in several ways. Thanks to a voice coach within a year and a half my manly voice was gone and in its place was a sweet soft woman’s voice. The voice of Triniti, my true voice. Working was hard. My colleagues were less than understanding, sneering and whispering about me. Again they didn’t understand and thought me a joke and something funny. But they truly didn’t understand how it felt to be a woman but appear as a man, to feel sick and like killing yourself every time you saw your reflection or dwelled on the fact that you had the wrong parts. After a very nasty colleague called me out at work once I did try to kill myself. Her words hit me like a knife and I was worried and scared I’d never fit in or that for some reason I wouldn’t be able to have the operation to make myself look how I should. I regret doing that. It was a selfish act and if I could I’d reverse the clock and not attempt to take my life...

Finally the surgery came. I had it, as well as facial reconstruction surgery to give my face the proper feminine shape and style. And from that day on I was me. No more depression, no more anxiety about how I looked. And I’ve never had any regrets. I go to the shops, no one looks at me judgingly. No one sneers or laughs at me. They see Triniti and that’s exactly what I wanted, to be able to be me and live a happy life. Since then I have also done adoption and now have a daughter and I’m currently dating a nice man who I hopefully will be married to next summer. Life is good, no, it’s amazing! It’s everything I wanted and I couldn’t be happier with myself and with how things have turned out. All the people that said I was wrong and should have stayed as I was were entitled to their opinions but I believe they were wrong. If I’d stayed as I was I would still be miserable and depressed. I knew who I was and what I wanted and I made it all happen. It was tough but I did it and I’m so glad I did.

My health isn’t in great shapes at the moment which isn’t related to the operations I had. When I was 7 I had cancer and I’m pretty sure it’s back again which is why I am seeing specialist come August for treatment again. If it’s fatal I can at least be glad that I’ve enjoyed the last six years as the woman I knew I was and that I’ve achieved so much, I made my dreams come true, I became Triniti, I am a mum now and hopefully, I’ll be a married woman next year.

But no matter what, know this, you are never alone ever. So many people feel the way you do and that’s ok. After all this world has gone through people should be more understanding and accepting, one day they will be, until then we have to be strong and pursue what we want and make that happen. Life is too short to live it miserably. Make every second count. Enjoy your life.

OP, see your doctor, the doctor will refer you to the gender clinic and a gender therapist. They will help you through this and to choose whether or not you really do want to be of the opposite gender. There’s no shame in feeling this way. If you ever need to talk about how you’re feeling then post here or send me a pm.

T.