Gender

I can mostly relate to what you have said.

Although I do not know exactly when I first knew I had gender dysphoria, it was when I was at school.  My first memory of it though was of me already knowing my body was wrong without any question or doubt about it.  Unfortunately because this was in the 1980s so I did not know this was something which happened to other people or that anything could be done about it.  And because of the way my autism affects my social imagination I find it difficult to think into the future, so even when I was aware of transgender people and being able to transition I did not realize that was an option for me.  So there was never any reason for me to tell anyone as I did not think anything could be done about it.

After a long time of trying I got to see an autism specialist for a short amount of time in 2017.  And because I wanted to make it work I told them about my dysphoria, the first time I told anyone, just so I could be explain more precisely how I was feeling.  However in doing so it made me realize that transitioning was an option for me, and even though it now feels too late it would still be better than continuing to struggle to cope.  So I immediately asked my G.P. to refer me to a gender clinic, which they did but because of the waiting list I only had my first appointment in February.  Unfortunately the way the N.H.S. works they do not do help immediately and make you wait another year for a second appointment.

I never knew how my family would react.  Until the gender clinic appointment though I did not want to tell them in case they said they would not help me.  Change to how people see and react to me is something I find very difficult, so I did not want to put myself in that position for nothing.  My mam died last summer so I never got to tell her, and I wanted to tell mum sister in person just before the lockdown, but she would not let me visit.  So I sent her a letter and talked about if after online and she said she was okay with it, and so would be my niece and nephew.  That was also the first time I told anyone else what my name was.

My dad had a stoke last year, so before the lockdown I used to visit him every few weeks.  I do not know how he will react or even how to tell him.  I told my sister first so she could help me with that.  He has never said anything about transgender issues in general as far as I have heard, but he is not homophobic so I do not think he would react badly in that way.  The problem is more likely him not understanding it.

The big problem for me right now is that I have physical problems so have had to shield, which means I have not been outside and not seen anyone since the middle of March.  I now feel very anxious and afraid of going outside and people seeing me in the wrong body.  I always suffered anxiety because of that, but I think the timing of telling my sister about me has made it worse.  I needed to tell her as it was making me anxious but doing that meant I could think of myself more properly in my real identity.  But not having had to deal with anyone else I lost the ability to keep pretending to be the wrong identity.

Although some people do hate transgender people, that does not bother me as having to pretend to be someone else is worse.  I can never be the person who other people see and I have done that all my life.  So if I do not transition I will never be happy, but if I do then maybe I can even if some people will abuse me because of it.  I have also always been suicidal and attempted it before, that is why I am not trying now as I need a way that I can guarantee will be successful as I do not want to be hospitalized.  And I cannot do anything that will hurt anyone else.  It is especially bad at the moment though because if the anxiety I have about ending isolation.  But also because I am still not sure that gender clinic will help me.  They said in the assessment that they think transitioning will be good for me, but they need people to live in their chosen gender before helping them to do that.  Which is obviously impossible to do with the help.  And unfortunately I cannot afford to go private where they do not have those requirements.

But other than our family's being different, I also do not relate to you saying you feel alive inside.  Because my autism was not diagnosed as a child I never got any help growing up so have social phobia and difficulty knowing how to relate to people to be able to easily make friends and maintain relationships.  When I came out about my dysphoria it made me realize how much of an effect it too had on me.  That all my social contact includes me feeling like I am lying because I am not what people see when they look at my body, and that anxiety will also have made me socially phobic too.  Because I have been told there is no N.H.S. help for adults with autism I am left hoping that transitioning alone will make things easier for me.  So maybe then I can be happy and form relationships.  But I have no basis for optimism, so it is just pragmatic blind hope.

I would recommend you talk to a G.P. and try to get referred to a gender clinic.  There would be no commitment to transition if you really do not want to, but they will be able to help you understand yourself and how to deal with your family.  But it will take several years before you can see anyone, so if you do want to transition it will be better to get on the queue now, unless you can afford private treatment.

I can mostly relate to what you have said.

Although I do not know exactly when I first knew I had gender dysphoria, it was when I was at school.  My first memory of it though was of me already knowing my body was wrong without any question or doubt about it.  Unfortunately because this was in the 1980s so I did not know this was something which happened to other people or that anything could be done about it.  And because of the way my autism affects my social imagination I find it difficult to think into the future, so even when I was aware of transgender people and being able to transition I did not realize that was an option for me.  So there was never any reason for me to tell anyone as I did not think anything could be done about it.

After a long time of trying I got to see an autism specialist for a short amount of time in 2017.  And because I wanted to make it work I told them about my dysphoria, the first time I told anyone, just so I could be explain more precisely how I was feeling.  However in doing so it made me realize that transitioning was an option for me, and even though it now feels too late it would still be better than continuing to struggle to cope.  So I immediately asked my G.P. to refer me to a gender clinic, which they did but because of the waiting list I only had my first appointment in February.  Unfortunately the way the N.H.S. works they do not do help immediately and make you wait another year for a second appointment.

I never knew how my family would react.  Until the gender clinic appointment though I did not want to tell them in case they said they would not help me.  Change to how people see and react to me is something I find very difficult, so I did not want to put myself in that position for nothing.  My mam died last summer so I never got to tell her, and I wanted to tell mum sister in person just before the lockdown, but she would not let me visit.  So I sent her a letter and talked about if after online and she said she was okay with it, and so would be my niece and nephew.  That was also the first time I told anyone else what my name was.

My dad had a stoke last year, so before the lockdown I used to visit him every few weeks.  I do not know how he will react or even how to tell him.  I told my sister first so she could help me with that.  He has never said anything about transgender issues in general as far as I have heard, but he is not homophobic so I do not think he would react badly in that way.  The problem is more likely him not understanding it.

The big problem for me right now is that I have physical problems so have had to shield, which means I have not been outside and not seen anyone since the middle of March.  I now feel very anxious and afraid of going outside and people seeing me in the wrong body.  I always suffered anxiety because of that, but I think the timing of telling my sister about me has made it worse.  I needed to tell her as it was making me anxious but doing that meant I could think of myself more properly in my real identity.  But not having had to deal with anyone else I lost the ability to keep pretending to be the wrong identity.

Although some people do hate transgender people, that does not bother me as having to pretend to be someone else is worse.  I can never be the person who other people see and I have done that all my life.  So if I do not transition I will never be happy, but if I do then maybe I can even if some people will abuse me because of it.  I have also always been suicidal and attempted it before, that is why I am not trying now as I need a way that I can guarantee will be successful as I do not want to be hospitalized.  And I cannot do anything that will hurt anyone else.  It is especially bad at the moment though because if the anxiety I have about ending isolation.  But also because I am still not sure that gender clinic will help me.  They said in the assessment that they think transitioning will be good for me, but they need people to live in their chosen gender before helping them to do that.  Which is obviously impossible to do with the help.  And unfortunately I cannot afford to go private where they do not have those requirements.

But other than our family's being different, I also do not relate to you saying you feel alive inside.  Because my autism was not diagnosed as a child I never got any help growing up so have social phobia and difficulty knowing how to relate to people to be able to easily make friends and maintain relationships.  When I came out about my dysphoria it made me realize how much of an effect it too had on me.  That all my social contact includes me feeling like I am lying because I am not what people see when they look at my body, and that anxiety will also have made me socially phobic too.  Because I have been told there is no N.H.S. help for adults with autism I am left hoping that transitioning alone will make things easier for me.  So maybe then I can be happy and form relationships.  But I have no basis for optimism, so it is just pragmatic blind hope.

I would recommend you talk to a G.P. and try to get referred to a gender clinic.  There would be no commitment to transition if you really do not want to, but they will be able to help you understand yourself and how to deal with your family.  But it will take several years before you can see anyone, so if you do want to transition it will be better to get on the queue now, unless you can afford private treatment.