Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I don't know how to put everything just into a few short paragraphs but I'll have a go. I've been dating a man with undiagnosed Asperger's for just over a year now. It's been long distance but I moved in with him for Covid lockdown - I'm now back at work so back in my own place again.
I'm struggling so much. I love him so much and I desperately want it to work. Prior to living together during Covid, he was always affectionate when we saw each other and the sex was really great. Almost immediately after I moved in he announced he isn't that into sex which was a devastating blow to me. I've always loved the physical side of our relationship but now it feels like it was all a lie and he never was really enjoying it. He said it wasn't an issue before because we only saw each other every so often. He also stopped almost all physical contact and I literally had to beg him for hugs and kisses. When he did hug me he'd count out loud and/or try to do something else at the same time - it was so upsetting. Kisses just became little pecks and only when I nagged him for them. It literally feels like the whole first year was a lie and I've been tricked into falling in love with someone who wasn't real. He has never told me he loves me and says he's not sure if he ever will be able to. As the weeks went on, I got more and more frustrated because he would spend his time doing anything but being with me - he would literally do anything other than come and sit with me - gardening, washing dishes, cutting the grass etc etc. I tried to discuss things so many times & explain how I was feeling, but having a serious conversation would be impossible as he would either completely close down or just tell me to stop stressing and that everything would be fine. I'm torn because in so many ways he's my perfect man. He's so funny, smart, kind and loyal. But I feel like if we are going to work out, it will be me that has to make all the compromises and, selfishly, I don't think that is fair. I say 'selfishly' because I know he can't help how he is and he's not intentionally trying to upset me so I don't have a right to be angry at him for things out of his control.
The thought of spending the rest of my life in a relationship with hardly any sex or physical affection is devastating but at the same time, I love him so much. He doesn't want to get a diagnosis as he doesn't want to be 'labelled', which I completely understand and respect, but I feel like we need some professional help if our relationship can survive this. I want to be able to fulfil his needs as much as I need him to fulfil mine. What is so frustrating is that he has no issue expressing his feelings (verbally or physically) to his children, and whilst I don't begrudge that at all, it really hurts that he can't do the same with me. He just says it's different because they are his kids.
I think the crux of it is that, in my head, he only needs to do very basic things for this relationship to work much better. I know they're basic to me but not to him. All I need are hugs and kisses that I don't have to beg for, him asking how I am and seeming genuinely interested in my answers, sending me messages to wish me a good morning or a good night. Those little things (little in my head because they seem like totally natural things to do) would make all the difference to me but I'm not sure he's capable of them. He tries and it might last a day (or two at the most) and then it's back to normal.
I don't even really know what I'm asking. I just need to speak to other people who understand it and have been through what I'm going through. I don't want to look back and wish I'd walked away sooner - I've read so many stories from ladies bitter who feel like they've had their lives stolen in some way. But equally I don't want to give up on someone who I'm crazy about because I know how rare it is to meet someone that you fall in love with. Any thoughts/experience/advice would be welcomed. Thank you
Hi there,
I don't usually reply to posts on the forums here but I had to. I had to let you know what decision I made and why. What you have written is like something I would have written when describing the relationship I had with my X husband. We were married and have a child together which made the decision to leave him even more painful. He is now married with a baby. I am a single Mum with my daughter living with me and visiting my X. My daughter has an Autism diagnosis on the high functioning side. I suspect that my X husband is on the spectrum because of the nature of who he is. I also suspect that I may be on the spectrum because of some challenges I have. I think that's why I was attracted to my X husband in the first place.
To get to the point now. Autism aside. The fact with me was that I was losing my sense of self within the relationship. I felt abandoned and unloved because of the lack of reciprocal affection. The more I tried to reach out, the most I was faced with rejection and isolation from the very person that was meant to be there for me. I always go by my gut instinct. If you are feeling more painful and isolated in the relationship, it's better being single. As much as we all crave love and acceptance within a relationship, sometimes the other person is simply not able or willing to give that. The more you try to be close, the more they retreat from you. This was my experience anyway. We tried marriage counselling where I poured my heart out and my X sat silently. It was pointless because without being able to communicate somehow, there is no way to move forward.....
My x married me and didn't make love to me on our wedding night. This hurt beyond belief and he knew when he arrived drunk to our room in the hotel that I was upset. He said I'd never forgive him. He had been downstairs with his friends all night while I was waiting in the room for him. I had dressed myself in beautiful lingerie and was standing waiting for him. He came to the room, briefly looked at me and said he had to go back downstairs. I changed into comfy jammies and went to bed. He came to bed and said we could "Do stuff" in the morning when he wasn't so tired. I was devastated. I stayed in the marriage for 10 years thinking that I could live with little sex and no affection or communication. I couldn't. I left when my daughter was young enough that she would not be too affected by it if that is possible. I broke her heart and mine but it's better being where we are now than in a marriage of rejection and feeling invisible.
I have been honest because I want you to see the hurt that can happen when a partner is not willing or perhaps not able to "do" a relationship. I am still single. My X has been married for two years. His new wife is a psychologist so I hope she can function in a relationship like that. I hope she has the tools to deal with what I couldn't and I hope that my X has learned that sex, affection and communication are important in keeping a relationship together.
I have completely lost trust in my belief that there is anyone out there that won't hurt me. I'd rather be alone than feel how I felt with my X. He has moved on to another marriage when he couldn't/wouldn't make an effort with me. That still hurts as I have to be in contact with him for the sake of our daughter.
I hope me sharing my experience will help you make the decision that will make you and your partner happy. You can show him my response if you think that'll help him and help you move forward together or apart.
Take care of yourself.
:-)