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Not sure if our Neurodiverse relationship can survive? Advice appreciated

NAS67742

Hi,

I don't know how to put everything just into a few short paragraphs but I'll have a go. I've been dating a man with undiagnosed Asperger's for just over a year now. It's been long distance but I moved in with him for Covid lockdown - I'm now back at work so back in my own place again. 

I'm struggling so much. I love him so much and I desperately want it to work. Prior to living together during Covid, he was always affectionate when we saw each other and the sex was really great. Almost immediately after I moved in he announced he isn't that into sex which was a devastating blow to me. I've always loved the physical side of our relationship but now it feels like it was all a lie and he never was really enjoying it. He said it wasn't an issue before because we only saw each other every so often. He also stopped almost all physical contact and I literally had to beg him for hugs and kisses. When he did hug me he'd count out loud and/or try to do something else at the same time - it was so upsetting. Kisses just became little pecks and only when I nagged him for them. It literally feels like the whole first year was a lie and I've been tricked into falling in love with someone who wasn't real. He has never told me he loves me and says he's not sure if he ever will be able to. As the weeks went on, I got more and more frustrated because he would spend his time doing anything but being with me - he would literally do anything other than come and sit with me - gardening, washing dishes, cutting the grass etc etc. I tried to discuss things so many times & explain how I was feeling, but having a serious conversation would be impossible as he would either completely close down or just tell me to stop stressing and that everything would be fine. I'm torn because in so many ways he's my perfect man. He's so funny, smart, kind and loyal. But I feel like if we are going to work out, it will be me that has to make all the compromises and, selfishly, I don't think that is fair. I say 'selfishly' because I know he can't help how he is and he's not intentionally trying to upset me so I don't have a right to be angry at him for things out of his control. 

The thought of spending the rest of my life in a relationship with hardly any sex or physical affection is devastating but at the same time, I love him so much. He doesn't want to get a diagnosis as he doesn't want to be 'labelled', which I completely understand and respect, but I feel like we need some professional help if our relationship can survive this. I want to be able to fulfil his needs as much as I need him to fulfil mine. What is so frustrating is that he has no issue expressing his feelings (verbally or physically) to his children, and whilst I don't begrudge that at all, it really hurts that he can't do the same with me. He just says it's different because they are his kids.

I think the crux of it is that, in my head, he only needs to do very basic things for this relationship to work much better. I know they're basic to me but not to him. All I need are hugs and kisses that I don't have to beg for, him asking how I am and seeming genuinely interested in my answers, sending me messages to wish me a good morning or a good night. Those little things (little in my head because they seem like totally natural things to do) would make all the difference to me but I'm not sure he's capable of them. He tries and it might last a day (or two at the most) and then it's back to normal.

I don't even really know what I'm asking. I just need to speak to other people who understand it and have been through what I'm going through. I don't want to look back and wish I'd walked away sooner - I've read so many stories from ladies bitter who feel like they've had their lives stolen in some way. But equally I don't want to give up on someone who I'm crazy about because I know how rare it is to meet someone that you fall in love with.  Any thoughts/experience/advice would be welcomed. Thank you 

  • In many ways I am your partner. I really don't get sex and affection beyond the physical act. I was a very late developer I just didn't have teenage girlfriends, I just didn't get the whole thing so I ignored them. Did your man say anything about this to you? I was a virgin until I was 30, and you are the only people who know that now. I felt I needed a partner but didn't really know why . My first relationship lasted about 3 years but we stopped having sex after about a year. I had a couple of short term partners then married my wife and for about 5 years sex was ok but then has just faded out. I have thought about leaving because I don't find her attractive anymore but I do't want to start again and loose my house and lifestyle. For me I will not pick up subtle hints about wanting sex and once you stop it is difficult to get into the mindset again. Have you tried being very direct and almost jumping on him naked? Try the pure physical angle than the emotional one

    With him it might be that before he knew that Saturday night=sex but on a Tuesday or what ever it never even entered his mind as that was not what he always did that day. Try and make a weekend night date night and do what you used to do together then he may equate that with sex.  I would not rush things as we arein very difficult times but clearly if by Christmas you have got nowhere it is unlikely to get better, but good luck.

  • As the daughter of an autistic father, I can tell you that my father was never be able to put anyone's needs before his and I expect you will always feel short-changed. If your partner is like my father, he will not be able to understand or relate to your emotional needs in the way you want and this is ultimately very difficult for someone who is not on the autistic spectrum. If you plan to have children, you may want to think very long and hard about this relationship.I can only speak from my experience, but my father was unable to be what is expected of a father in terms of caring for me, putting my needs before his, giving me the emotional support I needed, and even keeping me safe if he was focussed on one of his chosen interests. My mother stayed with him for 55 years until she died, but it came at a price to her mental health and he replaced her just 4 months after she died, like she meant nothing to him. He planned to introduce his new partner to all of mum's surviving family at a family garden party that was being held in mum's memory, on the day of what would have been their wedding anniversary. I was devastated and our relationship is beyond repair. He didn't understand why this was upsetting for us, so soon after her passing. While my mother was in hospital dying, dad had a meltdown about his haemorrhoids on the way to say our goodbyes. It made everything more difficult to deal with, although we tried to be understanding. I needed my dad to be a parent to me, in the full sense of that - i.e. someone to care and protect me - and he couldn't do that. I'm not saying your partner will be the same, but neurodiversity brings huge challenges to relationships and you will need to understand what exactly you are letting yourself in for. At the same time, many of my family are on the spectrum to some degree or another and it is my 'normal'. Hell, I'm probably on it too...

  • Isn't part of loving someone, knowing when to let them go?

    He sounds like he has ASD.  Diagnosis isnt relevant.  But he sounds like he has it and probably quite badly.  What you see with him is what you get.  it will probably always be like that.  He wont adapt all that much, at least i dont think he will.  The counting while being hugged, lack of physical connection all say he barely tolerates it and more than likely finds it an invasion of his space.  Saying that he may also love you back, but he will probably never tell you, he probably doesnt even feel it in the same way you do and may not atatch emotion to it at all.

    I could make a long reply, but the fact you posted on here tells me you already know some of the answers.  If you want to try and make it work, then you both need to sit down and work out personal boundaries and what he is comfortable doing and not doing.  Sex is pleasurable, it creates a reaction that produces endorphins and other chemicals.  Hugging, IMO, doesnt.  A hug for me creates no pleasurable response, its simply a coping mechanism for people with low self esteem, or at least thats how I see it (but I do hug people, but attach no emotion to the act and see it as something the other person needs more than me).  From what i've seen of friends on the spectrum in relationships, they rarely hug.  If you are someone that has to do physical contact all the time  then you have to accept he may not reciprocate at all.

    What he does with his children isnt necessarily an emotional act.  More than likely its a learnt response.  At the same time they've known him all their life.  They will also probably know he has some level of ASD, depending on their age.  They will just accept that.

    I dont have any real advice.  NT and ND relationships are beyond tricky.  I've been there in the past.  Depending on how high or low functioning the person is they can sometimes be impossible. YMMV.

  • What will probably work to get more hugs and kisses is telling him that this is exactly what you want, kind of programming it into his agenda. 

    You may be surprised how this could actually become better than expected since if he's prepared for it, and knows it's something that makes you happy, it won't be like having a robot programmed.

    Probably it would be better for the relationship if you would not live together. A bit of distance can do a relationship good. He has children, they probably also make it difficult for him, asking lots of attention. You probably have his undivided attention when you're just the two of you? There is hope, children tend to grow up and move out of the house, so you could still enjoy a life together in the future... 

  • If he's been in a previous relationship then he's probably let that person get close and they've hurt him badly.       He will have extreme difficulty putting his mask down to let another in as close.   He was doing what was expected of him to be accepted as normal (masking) but it's extremely tiring to do.

    He will be fine with his kids because they have grown up seeing the true him - they are automatically on the inside of his mask from birth.       You are seeing the edge of the mask - behaving one way with some people and completely differently with others.      You viewpoint is unique, but very confusing for you, seeing him totally switch personalities before your eyes - you see it - he might deny it.

    If he's not able  to admit to himself that he's probably on the spectrum then he's still stuck in the denial stage where we try to use pure muscle power to cope with the day's stress - until we can't manage it any more and we burn out.      The total detachment from you might because of external stresses taking up all of his processing power so there's literally nothing left for you at the end of the day - except that he might download on you to vent the stress.

    If he's unable to speak honestly and clearly with you then you're probably on to a loser - the amount of effort needed on your part to put up with this and bend to his ways will just deprive you of a fulfilled life.    You'll learn to hate him.    If you need to talk to him, any frustration or emotion or sarcasm on your part will confuse him - too much conflicting information at once to work out what to do - you'll get either silence or a rant in return.   You might get more satisfaction from an exchange over e-mail where he can formulate a response without the pressure to reply immediately.       If you explain it all to him in writing, he just might 'get it'.

    If you're thinking of counselling, be aware that most counsellors have no clue about autism and will offer weak platitudes about communication.   He will agree to everything for a quiet life but internally he will have judged and dismissed their advice so nothing will change.

    btw - I'm an aspie guy - married to NT wife for over 30 years.

  • Hi - I’m feeling pretty upset on your behalf at this man. Seriously, this is plain and simple manipulation. I shared what you’ve written with two other AS men I know of, and they were just as upset. As a woman on the spectrum, I can tell you that there’s simply no way on earth, with a clear conscience, that I would ever subject a man to this kind of treatment. I’d be ashamed, and would apologise and leave him to get on with his life, to find a loving, fulfilling, and meaningful life with someone else, if I genuinely, out of the blue, realised I didn’t or couldn’t reciprocate, give my partner what he needs. There is simply no excuse. You will face so many nights of tears and frustration, feeling like you don’t matter, and you do! It takes two to make a relationship work. Love means putting your partner above all else. Wanting to make them as happy as possible. Both of you need to feel that way, not just one of you. Unfortunately, when it comes to autism, it temds to be the case that either we are in control or you are. He is currently controlling everything that seems to matter right now, and you aren’t being given a voice. You do have a choice. As sad as this situation is, and it’s seriously heartbreaking, you need to make a decision, and the sooner, the better. There almost certainly will be resentment, a whole lot of pain and hurt in your future, if things continue on as you’ve described. He should have been honest with himself and with you from the outset. xx

  • You've expressed things well and it sounds like you're clear what would make things satisfying for you is spontaneous displays of affection. As an autistic man, I'd say that can be difficult when you're in a separate mental space. I'm also 'alexithymic' meaning that I don't even know what I'm feeling, and if I do, find it hard to express. This may well be true of your boyfriend.

    Hopefully you're both willing to work at meeting in the middle. If you do get relationship counselling (which I guess happens online at the moment), it may be useful to find a counsellor who is autistic or at least autism-accepting - you don't need to 'pathologise' certain 'distant' behaviours, just realise they are part of someone's character. Hope that makes sense.