Not sure if our Neurodiverse relationship can survive? Advice appreciated

In many ways I am your partner. I really don't get sex and affection beyond the physical act. I was a very late developer I just didn't have teenage girlfriends, I just didn't get the whole thing so I ignored them. Did your man say anything about this to you? I was a virgin until I was 30, and you are the only people who know that now. I felt I needed a partner but didn't really know why . My first relationship lasted about 3 years but we stopped having sex after about a year. I had a couple of short term partners then married my wife and for about 5 years sex was ok but then has just faded out. I have thought about leaving because I don't find her attractive anymore but I do't want to start again and loose my house and lifestyle. For me I will not pick up subtle hints about wanting sex and once you stop it is difficult to get into the mindset again. Have you tried being very direct and almost jumping on him naked? Try the pure physical angle than the emotional one

With him it might be that before he knew that Saturday night=sex but on a Tuesday or what ever it never even entered his mind as that was not what he always did that day. Try and make a weekend night date night and do what you used to do together then he may equate that with sex.  I would not rush things as we arein very difficult times but clearly if by Christmas you have got nowhere it is unlikely to get better, but good luck.

As the daughter of an autistic father, I can tell you that my father was never be able to put anyone's needs before his and I expect you will always feel short-changed. If your partner is like my father, he will not be able to understand or relate to your emotional needs in the way you want and this is ultimately very difficult for someone who is not on the autistic spectrum. If you plan to have children, you may want to think very long and hard about this relationship.I can only speak from my experience, but my father was unable to be what is expected of a father in terms of caring for me, putting my needs before his, giving me the emotional support I needed, and even keeping me safe if he was focussed on one of his chosen interests. My mother stayed with him for 55 years until she died, but it came at a price to her mental health and he replaced her just 4 months after she died, like she meant nothing to him. He planned to introduce his new partner to all of mum's surviving family at a family garden party that was being held in mum's memory, on the day of what would have been their wedding anniversary. I was devastated and our relationship is beyond repair. He didn't understand why this was upsetting for us, so soon after her passing. While my mother was in hospital dying, dad had a meltdown about his haemorrhoids on the way to say our goodbyes. It made everything more difficult to deal with, although we tried to be understanding. I needed my dad to be a parent to me, in the full sense of that - i.e. someone to care and protect me - and he couldn't do that. I'm not saying your partner will be the same, but neurodiversity brings huge challenges to relationships and you will need to understand what exactly you are letting yourself in for. At the same time, many of my family are on the spectrum to some degree or another and it is my 'normal'. Hell, I'm probably on it too...

Hi there,

I don't usually reply to posts on the forums here but I had to.  I had to let you know what decision I made and why.  What you have written is like something I would have written when describing the relationship I had with my X husband.  We were married and have a child together which made the decision to leave him even more painful.  He is now married with a baby.  I am a single Mum with my daughter living with me and visiting my X.  My daughter has an Autism diagnosis on the high functioning side.  I suspect that my X husband is on the spectrum because of the nature of who he is.  I also suspect that I may be on the spectrum because of some challenges I have.  I think that's why I was attracted to my X husband in the first place.

To get to the point now.  Autism aside.  The fact with me was that I was losing my sense of self within the relationship.  I felt abandoned and unloved because of the lack of reciprocal affection.  The more I tried to reach out, the most I was faced with rejection and isolation from the very person that was meant to be there for me.  I always go by my gut instinct.  If you are feeling more painful and isolated in the relationship, it's better being single.  As much as we all crave love and acceptance within a relationship, sometimes the other person is simply not able or willing to give that.  The more you try to be close, the more they retreat from you.  This was my experience anyway.  We tried marriage counselling where I poured my heart out and my X sat silently.  It was pointless because without being able to communicate somehow, there is no way to move forward.....

My x married me and didn't make love to me on our wedding night.  This hurt beyond belief and he knew when he arrived drunk to our room in the hotel that I was upset.  He said I'd never forgive him.  He had been downstairs with his friends all night while I was waiting in the room for him.  I had dressed myself in beautiful lingerie and was standing waiting for him.  He came to the room, briefly looked at me and said he had to go back downstairs.  I changed into comfy jammies and went to bed.  He came to bed and said we could "Do stuff" in the morning when he wasn't so tired.  I was devastated.  I stayed in the marriage for 10 years thinking that I could live with little sex and no affection or communication.  I couldn't.  I left when my daughter was young enough that she would not be too affected by it if that is possible.  I broke her heart and mine but it's better being where we are now than in a marriage of rejection and feeling invisible.

I have been honest because I want you to see the hurt that can happen when a partner is not willing or perhaps not able to "do" a relationship.  I am still single.  My X has been married for two years.  His new wife is a psychologist so I hope she can function in a relationship like that.  I hope she has the tools to deal with what I couldn't and I hope that my X has learned that sex, affection and communication are important in keeping a relationship together.

I have completely lost trust in my belief that there is anyone out there that won't hurt me.  I'd rather be alone than feel how I felt with my X.  He has moved on to another marriage when he couldn't/wouldn't make an effort with me.  That still hurts as I have to be in contact with him for the sake of our daughter.

I hope me sharing my experience will help you make the decision that will make you and your partner happy.  You can show him my response if you think that'll help him and help you move forward together or apart.

Take care of yourself.

:-)

Isn't part of loving someone, knowing when to let them go?

He sounds like he has ASD.  Diagnosis isnt relevant.  But he sounds like he has it and probably quite badly.  What you see with him is what you get.  it will probably always be like that.  He wont adapt all that much, at least i dont think he will.  The counting while being hugged, lack of physical connection all say he barely tolerates it and more than likely finds it an invasion of his space.  Saying that he may also love you back, but he will probably never tell you, he probably doesnt even feel it in the same way you do and may not atatch emotion to it at all.

I could make a long reply, but the fact you posted on here tells me you already know some of the answers.  If you want to try and make it work, then you both need to sit down and work out personal boundaries and what he is comfortable doing and not doing.  Sex is pleasurable, it creates a reaction that produces endorphins and other chemicals.  Hugging, IMO, doesnt.  A hug for me creates no pleasurable response, its simply a coping mechanism for people with low self esteem, or at least thats how I see it (but I do hug people, but attach no emotion to the act and see it as something the other person needs more than me).  From what i've seen of friends on the spectrum in relationships, they rarely hug.  If you are someone that has to do physical contact all the time  then you have to accept he may not reciprocate at all.

What he does with his children isnt necessarily an emotional act.  More than likely its a learnt response.  At the same time they've known him all their life.  They will also probably know he has some level of ASD, depending on their age.  They will just accept that.

I dont have any real advice.  NT and ND relationships are beyond tricky.  I've been there in the past.  Depending on how high or low functioning the person is they can sometimes be impossible. YMMV.

Pre-lockdown your relationship took place in a completely different environment and this worked for you both. You've now found out that your not compatible living together. This happens to many couples whether their PNT or NT. I've had relationships with men, where our sex life was great when we where simply dating. When we moved in together I found them to be incredibly needy. As someone who prefers strong, independent characters my libido plummeted. This is normal, I know many couples whose spark goes due to the way one or the other, or both behave. The issue isn't neurotype is about whether you're compatible in different scenarios. Would you be happy living apart? If not, is living together going to work for both of you - it doesn't seem that way.

I could be one of 'those ladies' but from another side, bitter and resentful that I stayed in relationships with NT men when they didn't fulfil my needs. I'm not going to do that though as I accept as an adult I am able to choose who I do and don't have in my life. It was my choice to stay with those men as long as I did.

From your post it doesn't sound like you're the one making the compromises, it sounds like your putting pressure on your OH to behave in a way he isn't comfortable with to fulfil your own needs at the sake of his MH. Your behaviour is currently making a grown man feel so uncomfortable he's doing anything to avoid you and he has to count out loud to be able to get through physical contact with you. If the boot was on the other foot and it was a man who was making you feel this way how would you feel? What would you say to a friend if their partner was making them feel uncomfortable and pressuring them into having physical intimate contact when they didn't want to?

I agree with the poster above that said "there’s simply no way on earth, with a clear conscience, that I would ever subject a man to this kind of treatment. I’d be ashamed, and would apologise and leave him to get on with his life, to find a loving, fulfilling, and meaningful life with someone else"

What will probably work to get more hugs and kisses is telling him that this is exactly what you want, kind of programming it into his agenda. 

You may be surprised how this could actually become better than expected since if he's prepared for it, and knows it's something that makes you happy, it won't be like having a robot programmed.

Probably it would be better for the relationship if you would not live together. A bit of distance can do a relationship good. He has children, they probably also make it difficult for him, asking lots of attention. You probably have his undivided attention when you're just the two of you? There is hope, children tend to grow up and move out of the house, so you could still enjoy a life together in the future... 

If he's been in a previous relationship then he's probably let that person get close and they've hurt him badly.       He will have extreme difficulty putting his mask down to let another in as close.   He was doing what was expected of him to be accepted as normal (masking) but it's extremely tiring to do.

He will be fine with his kids because they have grown up seeing the true him - they are automatically on the inside of his mask from birth.       You are seeing the edge of the mask - behaving one way with some people and completely differently with others.      You viewpoint is unique, but very confusing for you, seeing him totally switch personalities before your eyes - you see it - he might deny it.

If he's not able  to admit to himself that he's probably on the spectrum then he's still stuck in the denial stage where we try to use pure muscle power to cope with the day's stress - until we can't manage it any more and we burn out.      The total detachment from you might because of external stresses taking up all of his processing power so there's literally nothing left for you at the end of the day - except that he might download on you to vent the stress.

If he's unable to speak honestly and clearly with you then you're probably on to a loser - the amount of effort needed on your part to put up with this and bend to his ways will just deprive you of a fulfilled life.    You'll learn to hate him.    If you need to talk to him, any frustration or emotion or sarcasm on your part will confuse him - too much conflicting information at once to work out what to do - you'll get either silence or a rant in return.   You might get more satisfaction from an exchange over e-mail where he can formulate a response without the pressure to reply immediately.       If you explain it all to him in writing, he just might 'get it'.

If you're thinking of counselling, be aware that most counsellors have no clue about autism and will offer weak platitudes about communication.   He will agree to everything for a quiet life but internally he will have judged and dismissed their advice so nothing will change.

btw - I'm an aspie guy - married to NT wife for over 30 years.

Hi - I’m feeling pretty upset on your behalf at this man. Seriously, this is plain and simple manipulation. I shared what you’ve written with two other AS men I know of, and they were just as upset. As a woman on the spectrum, I can tell you that there’s simply no way on earth, with a clear conscience, that I would ever subject a man to this kind of treatment. I’d be ashamed, and would apologise and leave him to get on with his life, to find a loving, fulfilling, and meaningful life with someone else, if I genuinely, out of the blue, realised I didn’t or couldn’t reciprocate, give my partner what he needs. There is simply no excuse. You will face so many nights of tears and frustration, feeling like you don’t matter, and you do! It takes two to make a relationship work. Love means putting your partner above all else. Wanting to make them as happy as possible. Both of you need to feel that way, not just one of you. Unfortunately, when it comes to autism, it temds to be the case that either we are in control or you are. He is currently controlling everything that seems to matter right now, and you aren’t being given a voice. You do have a choice. As sad as this situation is, and it’s seriously heartbreaking, you need to make a decision, and the sooner, the better. There almost certainly will be resentment, a whole lot of pain and hurt in your future, if things continue on as you’ve described. He should have been honest with himself and with you from the outset. xx

You've expressed things well and it sounds like you're clear what would make things satisfying for you is spontaneous displays of affection. As an autistic man, I'd say that can be difficult when you're in a separate mental space. I'm also 'alexithymic' meaning that I don't even know what I'm feeling, and if I do, find it hard to express. This may well be true of your boyfriend.

Hopefully you're both willing to work at meeting in the middle. If you do get relationship counselling (which I guess happens online at the moment), it may be useful to find a counsellor who is autistic or at least autism-accepting - you don't need to 'pathologise' certain 'distant' behaviours, just realise they are part of someone's character. Hope that makes sense.