Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello.
I have not been diagnosed, but I have been reading the threads on here and the following apply to me:
obsessive exercise regime and feeling guilt for eating certain ‘bad’ foods that have a high calorie content.
routines that are detrimental and have resulted in lack of experimentation and exposure to more of what life might have to offer.
eating the same foods all the time.
a breakdown in communication with most of my family.
a lack of general care for the welfare of other humans.
an inability to express feelings or emotions about my fiancé.
obsessing over topics such as animal care, car construction and, for example, reading these threads.
reading over what I have written in an email over and over again.
repeatedly feeling like I say the wrong things in conversation and others feel awkward. looking away from others when I have to talk during a conversation.
obsessively picking at my fingertips and making them bleed. This is to ensure that there are no loose bits of skin.
being very sensitive or angry when I hear someone whistling, cutlery scraping on plates and people clearing their throats.
repeatedly being called “blunt” by colleagues.
in childhood:
taking toy cars and pretending to park them in designated spaces on a mat repeatedly.
I don’t remember much else about my childhood because I may have blocked it out due to sexual abuse by my father.
I am a 38 year old female teacher. How can I have got this far into life and only just realised that I might be autistic?
Also, I hate saying good morning or afternoon to people because most people don’t really care what the response is.
I get really wound up about too many emails in my inbox and I prioritise work over my personal life too.
I love your list! These are great observations that resonate so much. I feel like your twin.
I do all these things and I've just spent the last two days trying to recover from emails that made me extremely agitated. Then tomorrow it starts all over again...
I've posted on here about eating disorders before but it seems its a relatively new connection with autism. Mine got worse during lockdown.
Do you find that you care less and less about human relationships as you get older?
Thank you. I do see what you mean.
I'm in my early fifties. You know, this thing with high standards and black and white. On a good day I call it the need to be authentic.
All the things you think as weaknesses are strengths too. A weakness is just a strength that needs tuning or is spilling over too much to fit the situation.
I'm really sorry about the abuse. I can't think of what to say without sounding crass. Except deep down, I really believe people know what they've done.