Published on 12, July, 2020
I have just turned 40 and I am seeking a diagnosis. I have been in a relationship for a long time, do well at work and have a family. On the outside I am a success. But I feel like I am being false all the time - like I am acting. I know how to get along with people on a superficial level, but it almost always feels forced and is all learned behaviour. It never feels natural. A lot of the time I feel emotionally empty and I wonder if I obsess over things to fill that void. For example I know I love my wife, but I cannot describe how or why in any emotional sense - but I can describe why on a logical level. I fall out with people often because I either upset them or misinterpret what they mean. I haven't made a new, substantial friend in over 20 years, but would love to build new relationships - but then I think it would be too hard work and it would stress me out. I have hidden 'tics' (controlled breathing, small thumb and finger movements, neck stretches, etc.) and feel like everything has to be balanced or divided by an even number, except if it involves my favourite number, which for some reason is five. Routine is vital, order is paramount and controlling situations is especially important. In the heat of an argument - usually as a result of an action I took because of my behaviour - I have been called "nasty" amongst many other negative labels, yet inside I know I am not a bad person. I hope I am not looking for a new label (aspergers/autistic) as an excuse, but knowing that I am would provide the biggest relief imaginable. Sorry for the long post.
Wow...your post could have been written about me.
I'm 49, have been married for 20yrs, have a daughter, have always thought I've done OK at work - I was never interested in a 'career' but have always struggled with figuring out why I've never been able to climb the corporate ladder even when I've tried my hardest to do so (and other people I see as less capable have done it with apparent ease). Pretty much everything in your post rings true with me. My favourite number is also 5...how weird is that? The 'tics' you refer to are almost certainly stims and I've only recently realised that I have them myself. I bite one of my index fingers without even realising it, to the point that I'll often look at my hand and notice teeth marks.
I began my road to getting a diagnosis about 2yrs ago and am currently on my local ASD diagnostic service's waiting list for an assessment...I've already waited 8mths and was initially told I might get a date in August 2020 but who knows what it'll be now, post-Coronavirus. I've been researching and reading as much as I can about Autism Spectrum Disorders and Asperger's and have joined several online discussion groups/forums. The more I learn, the more I'm utterly convinced that I'm undiagnosed Asperger's (and several other comorbidities)...most of the things I'm learning are a relief because they explain why I am the way I am and I can apply those to the last 40yrs of my life.
I've masked for a very long time and my marriage has really struggled because of it. I've been depressed so many times over the years and have considered myself a total failure at life because, well, that's the only explanation, right? I mean, I'm just useless...what other reason is there? (that was sarcasm) Life has been like a game of cards where not only have I got a pretty sh*tty hand, but I'm not even playing with the correct deck.
For me, an official diagnosis will confirm what I pretty much know myself, and it'll be a huge part of the puzzle that's been my life over the last 40yrs. I'm hoping that I'll help me to give myself a little break and go some way towards diluting that 'failure' feeling I seem to have all the time.
You've waited so long to get a diagnosis! Not looking forward to the long game once I go down this route. I spoke to my local GP and he said wait for things to calm down in a few months, so I am speaking to a private GP through my work health plan. I'm not sure I can wait that long. How did you start on this path - was it with the online test?
As for my 'tics'/stims, the more I think about it, the more I have had over the years. Biting the inside of my lower lip, 'gurning', grinding my teeth, quiet noises under my breath... the ones I mentioned before are the main ones now. I also do all those things in a balanced way - alternating them left and right, and the same amount on each side. It's weird.
My marriage has been far from plain sailing. Over the years I've got a bit better, but I seem to keep making the same mistakes again and again. Lockdown hasn't helped as I struggle to have my own time and space from my child too, as I have fewer opportunities to remove myself from being overly stimulated by noise.
Good luck!
I know of one NHS contractor/private team practice that has carried on diagnosing and offering various therapeutic services during this crisis. (And that also means that there are several people, including admin & housekeeping, who are not struggling to make a living.) Yes, they are using some videoconferencing, but the building they work in is sufficiently spacious and practical to allow them to carry on with just a bit more distance; but they also don't skimp on creating an informal atmospbere. As far as I know, that is allowable under government guidelines, as they are essentially running a multi-partner practice, in much the same way as one's local GP practice continues to serve. Naturally, they are taking the same precautions as other 'open' practices.
I saw in another thread that there's a service called 'Healios' that offers online diagnoses. The NHS are using them in some regions.