Just turned 40. Don't want to spend rest of life undiagnosed

Speaking of comorbidities! --- Below is a generalisation of interest.

7 Signs of Hypocrites & The People They Target | Narcissist, Sociopath, and Psychopath Abuse Recovery (psychopathfree.com)

It's comforting (for me anyway) to read others say they have similar experiences. I spoke to a private GP this evening and he said he'd refer me to a psychiatrist, so let's see what happens next.

When you say you feel like a fraud comparing yourself to others' struggles, what do you mean? Is it that you feel it isn't as severe as how others have experienced it? Because I agree, it seems I am relatively 'normal' compared to other sufferers. Yes it isn't easy all the time, the struggle is internal mainly and it's my family who gets the brunt of my neuroses. Other than the daily anxiety from wanting order and the feeling of fight or flight every time there's a minor crisis, I don't think I have any other comorbidities. 

Good luck on your journey!

Hi, I feel as though I could have written your post or you have written it about me. I am 45 and I am waiting from for my referral. Although with everything that is going on I am trying to get my GP to refer me to a private company who do on line assessments. I feel like a fraud sometimes, reading some of the struggles that people have had throughout their live, in other posts. But, I need to do this for me and it feels right. Good luck

I saw in another thread that there's a service called 'Healios' that offers online diagnoses. The NHS are using them in some regions.

I know of one NHS contractor/private team practice that has carried on diagnosing and offering various therapeutic services during this crisis. (And that also means that there are several people, including admin & housekeeping, who are not struggling to make a living.) Yes, they are using some videoconferencing, but the building they work in is sufficiently spacious and practical to allow them to carry on with just a bit more distance; but they also don't skimp on creating an informal atmospbere. As far as I know, that is allowable under government guidelines, as they are essentially running a multi-partner practice, in much the same way as one's local GP practice continues to serve. Naturally, they are taking the same precautions as other 'open' practices.

You've waited so long to get a diagnosis! Not looking forward to the long game once I go down this route. I spoke to my local GP and he said wait for things to calm down in a few months, so I am speaking to a private GP through my work health plan. I'm not sure I can wait that long. How did you start on this path - was it with the online test?

As for my 'tics'/stims, the more I think about it, the more I have had over the years. Biting the inside of my lower lip, 'gurning', grinding my teeth, quiet noises under my breath... the ones I mentioned before are the main ones now. I also do all those things in a balanced way - alternating them left and right, and the same amount on each side. It's weird.

My marriage has been far from plain sailing. Over the years I've got a bit better, but I seem to keep making the same mistakes again and again. Lockdown hasn't helped as I struggle to have my own time and space from my child too, as I have fewer opportunities to remove myself from being overly stimulated by noise.

Good luck!

Wow...your post could have been written about me.

I'm 49, have been married for 20yrs, have a daughter, have always thought I've done OK at work - I was never interested in a 'career' but have always struggled with figuring out why I've never been able to climb the corporate ladder even when I've tried my hardest to do so (and other people I see as less capable have done it with apparent ease).  Pretty much everything in your post rings true with me.  My favourite number is also 5...how weird is that?  The 'tics' you refer to are almost certainly stims and I've only recently realised that I have them myself.  I bite one of my index fingers without even realising it, to the point that I'll often look at my hand and notice teeth marks.

I began my road to getting a diagnosis about 2yrs ago and am currently on my local ASD diagnostic service's waiting list for an assessment...I've already waited 8mths and was initially told I might get a date in August 2020 but who knows what it'll be now, post-Coronavirus.  I've been researching and reading as much as I can about Autism Spectrum Disorders and  Asperger's and have joined several online discussion groups/forums.  The more I learn, the more I'm utterly convinced that I'm undiagnosed Asperger's (and several other comorbidities)...most of the things I'm learning are a relief because they explain why I am the way I am and I can apply those to the last 40yrs of my life.

I've masked for a very long time and my marriage has really struggled because of it.  I've been depressed so many times over the years and have considered myself a total failure at life because, well, that's the only explanation, right?  I mean, I'm just useless...what other reason is there? (that was sarcasm)  Life has been like a game of cards where not only have I got a pretty sh*tty hand, but I'm not even playing with the correct deck.

For me, an official diagnosis will confirm what I pretty much know myself, and it'll be a huge part of the puzzle that's been my life over the last 40yrs.  I'm hoping that I'll help me to give myself a little break and go some way towards diluting that 'failure' feeling I seem to have all the time.

Perhaps birth difficulties, infantile illness (near fatal). traumatic childhood experiences and even a bit later on some accidents. Even some later life experiences, working with clearly disturbed colleagues. My childhood was in some ways idyllic, with a stable and affectionate home background. My education and employment were a real mess. There is no obvious intellectual impairment, but I would say some learning difficulties, with some ADD and dyspraxia. But I can also see how it might be partly genetic. I even wonder if the childhood illness was related to my living near a known pollution hotspot. (I predate the vaccine that a few people believe might be to blame. That's NOT a notion I subscribe too.)

Your difficult childhood is probably highly significant.

"Masking" is definitely it. I feel like I have become very good at it, so much so that my wife complains that I am not this way at work, so why am I with her.

Thank you for the detailed response. You mentioned PTSD. Are you suggesting your autism may be in part due to environmental experiences, probably at a very young age? I had a difficult childhood.

Partly! I was diagnosed at 61, having self-identified a couple of years earlier.

To be honest, I went so well-prepared for the assessment that the diagnosis was over quite quickly and decisively.  But the diagnostician just labelled it as Asperger's/ ASD, saying that it might be counterproductive to list too many co-morbidities Well, I already had a very good idea what those comorbidities might be. Let's just say though that despite almost constant daily doubts on my side, in the last three years, I still always feel at the end of each day that the diagnosis got it about right. And I keep discovering new aspects of those comorbidities. For instance, I can see now Attention Deficit is almost certainly is a factor; although not usually in conjunction with hyperactivity. And recently, some researchers have begun to think that ADD (and ADHD) could possibly soon be considered an integral part of the spectrum with some people. Now that is something i was aware might happen when i first self-identified.. And I was told at the assessment that it was quite a distinct possibility. I also thought there might be some elements of PTSD. Again, the diagnostician thought that possible, and even lightly explored the events that might have led up to it.. ( I think you will generally find these days that diagnosticians will  avoid the revisiting of any details in depth that might be distressing. I found the whole experience to be constructive, and even enjoyable at times.) I still feel a light degree of PTSD could be an integral part of the mix, and this week I have seen some confirming research.

Well let's just say that with such a complex mix, it is hardly surprising that most diagnosis doesn't go entirely to plan; particularly when one's own doubts are daily. But it also sounds like your concerns are very appropriate. Regardless of what the diagnosis eventually says, I imagine you will almost certainly find it worthwhile to pursue diagnosis, It almost always turns out to be a positive and constructive experience; even if the doubts are sometimes slow to go away.. The diagnostician will almost certainly explain that there is a cycle of acceptance and rejection that tends to go with the condition. With some that might last only about a year. In my case, I still get it on an almost daily basis. But it is manageable, as the acceptance side is always quite deep. Life does look brighter!. :-)

Perhaps it might be better for me if i took the diagnostician's cue and desisted from exploring comorbidities. I can only say that I believe that when I am in my daily wave of doubt, (about being on the spectrum at all) that it is further exploration of the complexities of those comorbidities that enable my inevitable swing back to acceptance. Something for me is significantly adrift, for sure. But I'm definitely now able to draw some comfort from my experience..

I did a screening test but can't remember which one.

Most people wouldn't believe I was autistic (my own family included) but my diagnosis makes so much sense to me! But many autistics become so good at 'masking'; I know I did. But I am slowly getting to discover the true me beneath that mask now.

Thank you. You mention about the diagnosis potentially not happening as envisaged. Is this from personal experience?

Thank you. I am pretty convinced too. Did you start by conducting the standard test online? I scored 43 which surprised me, as it seems pretty high. I do think if I said I'm autistic to most of the people I know except perhaps my wife and maybe my brother, most would be surprised or in disbelief. 

Hi, I am 43, diagnosed last year. Your story rings so many bells with me. I also really was fine through childhood, although in retrospect always different! More recently many things have happened to me and I also felt people thought I was nasty, leading to work problems and also suggestions I was a bad parent. Diagnosis is slowly helping me realise I am not bad or nasty, just different! 

I have to say it sounds to me like you are autistic, for what opinion matters!

Hi, I am 43, diagnosed last year. Your story rings so many bells with me. I also really was fine through childhood, although in retrospect always different! More recently many things have happened to me and I also felt people thought I was nasty, leading to work problems and also suggestions I was a bad parent. Diagnosis is slowly helping me realise I am not bad or nasty, just different! 

I have to say it sounds to me like you are autistic, for what opinion matters!

Congratulations, Bennsky! It sounds like both yourself and others feel that some sort of action is necessary. Be encouraged by the thought that if the diagnosis doesn't happen quite as envisaged, that there is obviously still a significant issue that remains to be addressed. This feeling like an imposter is something which I believe many posters here can relate too. And when your diagnosis happens, it will be a relief; but perhaps not quite as dramatic as with other people, as you are probably quite well mentally prepared already.