Published on 12, July, 2020
I have just turned 40 and I am seeking a diagnosis. I have been in a relationship for a long time, do well at work and have a family. On the outside I am a success. But I feel like I am being false all the time - like I am acting. I know how to get along with people on a superficial level, but it almost always feels forced and is all learned behaviour. It never feels natural. A lot of the time I feel emotionally empty and I wonder if I obsess over things to fill that void. For example I know I love my wife, but I cannot describe how or why in any emotional sense - but I can describe why on a logical level. I fall out with people often because I either upset them or misinterpret what they mean. I haven't made a new, substantial friend in over 20 years, but would love to build new relationships - but then I think it would be too hard work and it would stress me out. I have hidden 'tics' (controlled breathing, small thumb and finger movements, neck stretches, etc.) and feel like everything has to be balanced or divided by an even number, except if it involves my favourite number, which for some reason is five. Routine is vital, order is paramount and controlling situations is especially important. In the heat of an argument - usually as a result of an action I took because of my behaviour - I have been called "nasty" amongst many other negative labels, yet inside I know I am not a bad person. I hope I am not looking for a new label (aspergers/autistic) as an excuse, but knowing that I am would provide the biggest relief imaginable. Sorry for the long post.
Hi, I feel as though I could have written your post or you have written it about me. I am 45 and I am waiting from for my referral. Although with everything that is going on I am trying to get my GP to refer me to a private company who do on line assessments. I feel like a fraud sometimes, reading some of the struggles that people have had throughout their live, in other posts. But, I need to do this for me and it feels right. Good luck
It's comforting (for me anyway) to read others say they have similar experiences. I spoke to a private GP this evening and he said he'd refer me to a psychiatrist, so let's see what happens next.
When you say you feel like a fraud comparing yourself to others' struggles, what do you mean? Is it that you feel it isn't as severe as how others have experienced it? Because I agree, it seems I am relatively 'normal' compared to other sufferers. Yes it isn't easy all the time, the struggle is internal mainly and it's my family who gets the brunt of my neuroses. Other than the daily anxiety from wanting order and the feeling of fight or flight every time there's a minor crisis, I don't think I have any other comorbidities.
Good luck on your journey!