Published on 12, July, 2020
I have just turned 40 and I am seeking a diagnosis. I have been in a relationship for a long time, do well at work and have a family. On the outside I am a success. But I feel like I am being false all the time - like I am acting. I know how to get along with people on a superficial level, but it almost always feels forced and is all learned behaviour. It never feels natural. A lot of the time I feel emotionally empty and I wonder if I obsess over things to fill that void. For example I know I love my wife, but I cannot describe how or why in any emotional sense - but I can describe why on a logical level. I fall out with people often because I either upset them or misinterpret what they mean. I haven't made a new, substantial friend in over 20 years, but would love to build new relationships - but then I think it would be too hard work and it would stress me out. I have hidden 'tics' (controlled breathing, small thumb and finger movements, neck stretches, etc.) and feel like everything has to be balanced or divided by an even number, except if it involves my favourite number, which for some reason is five. Routine is vital, order is paramount and controlling situations is especially important. In the heat of an argument - usually as a result of an action I took because of my behaviour - I have been called "nasty" amongst many other negative labels, yet inside I know I am not a bad person. I hope I am not looking for a new label (aspergers/autistic) as an excuse, but knowing that I am would provide the biggest relief imaginable. Sorry for the long post.
Hi, I am 43, diagnosed last year. Your story rings so many bells with me. I also really was fine through childhood, although in retrospect always different! More recently many things have happened to me and I also felt people thought I was nasty, leading to work problems and also suggestions I was a bad parent. Diagnosis is slowly helping me realise I am not bad or nasty, just different!
I have to say it sounds to me like you are autistic, for what opinion matters!
Thank you. I am pretty convinced too. Did you start by conducting the standard test online? I scored 43 which surprised me, as it seems pretty high. I do think if I said I'm autistic to most of the people I know except perhaps my wife and maybe my brother, most would be surprised or in disbelief.
I did a screening test but can't remember which one.
Most people wouldn't believe I was autistic (my own family included) but my diagnosis makes so much sense to me! But many autistics become so good at 'masking'; I know I did. But I am slowly getting to discover the true me beneath that mask now.
"Masking" is definitely it. I feel like I have become very good at it, so much so that my wife complains that I am not this way at work, so why am I with her.