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Just turned 40. Don't want to spend rest of life undiagnosed

Midlands Monkey
over 3 years ago

I have just turned 40 and I am seeking a diagnosis. I have been in a relationship for a long time, do well at work and have a family. On the outside I am a success. But I feel like I am being false all the time - like I am acting. I know how to get along with people on a superficial level, but it almost always feels forced and is all learned behaviour. It never feels natural. A lot of the time I feel emotionally empty and I wonder if I obsess over things to fill that void. For example I know I love my wife, but I cannot describe how or why in any emotional sense - but I can describe why on a logical level. I fall out with people often because I either upset them or misinterpret what they mean. I haven't made a new, substantial friend in over 20 years, but would love to build new relationships - but then I think it would be too hard work and it would stress me out. I have hidden 'tics' (controlled breathing, small thumb and finger movements, neck stretches, etc.) and feel like everything has to be balanced or divided by an even number, except if it involves my favourite number, which for some reason is five. Routine is vital, order is paramount and controlling situations is especially important. In the heat of an argument - usually as a result of an action I took because of my behaviour - I have been called "nasty" amongst many other negative labels, yet inside I know I am not a bad person. I hope I am not looking for a new label (aspergers/autistic) as an excuse, but knowing that I am would provide the biggest relief imaginable. Sorry for the long post.

Parents
  • over 3 years ago

    Congratulations, Bennsky! It sounds like both yourself and others feel that some sort of action is necessary. Be encouraged by the thought that if the diagnosis doesn't happen quite as envisaged, that there is obviously still a significant issue that remains to be addressed. This feeling like an imposter is something which I believe many posters here can relate too. And when your diagnosis happens, it will be a relief; but perhaps not quite as dramatic as with other people, as you are probably quite well mentally prepared already.

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  • over 3 years ago

    Congratulations, Bennsky! It sounds like both yourself and others feel that some sort of action is necessary. Be encouraged by the thought that if the diagnosis doesn't happen quite as envisaged, that there is obviously still a significant issue that remains to be addressed. This feeling like an imposter is something which I believe many posters here can relate too. And when your diagnosis happens, it will be a relief; but perhaps not quite as dramatic as with other people, as you are probably quite well mentally prepared already.

Children